Popular jokes (11371 to 11385)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Business One-liners 75
In every work of genius we recognize our rejected thoughts.
In order to get a loan, you must first prove you don't need it.
In spite of all evidence to the contrary, the entire universe is composed of only two basic substances: magic and lies.
In the fight between you and the world, back the world.
Incompetence is a double-edged banana.
Influence is like a savings account. The less you use it, the more you've got. - Andrew Young, American politician
Inspiration and perspiration are related by more than rhyme.
Intelligence is a tool to be used towards a goal, and goals are not always chosen intelligently. - Larry Niven 'Protector'
Interchangable parts won't.
Incompetence knows no barriers of time or place.
It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
Engineers Vs Accountants
Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy a ticket and watch as the three engineers only buy one ticket."How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant.
"Watch and you'll see," answered an engineer.
They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a rest room and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Tickets, please!" The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The accountants see this and agree it is a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money.
When they get to the station, they buy one ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant.
"Watch and you'll see," answered an engineer.
When they board the train all three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.
Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Tickets, please!"
When I mistook the piece of cr
When I mistook the piece of crap for the sausage, my day immediately took a turd for the wurst.Did you hear about the guy who
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.Question Answer 05
Our team is doing so badly that "Manager of the Month" isn't an award.
It's an appointment!
Did you hear about the football team who ate too much pudding?
They got jellygated!
Which insect didn't play well in goal?
The fumble bee!
What did the bumble bee striker say?
Hive scored!
What is black and white and black and white and black and white?
A Newcastle fan rolling down a hill!
What are Brazilian fans called?
Brazil nuts!
Why did a footballer take a piece of rope onto the pitch?
He was the skipper!
How do hens encourage their football teams?
They egg them on!
What's your name?
A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"
She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."
Name that bird...
Joe, a college student, was taking a course in ornithology, the study of birds. The night before the biggest test of the semester, Joe spent all night studying. He had the textbook nearly memorized. He knew his class notes backward and forward. Joe was ready.
The morning of the test, Joe entered the auditorium and took a seat in the front row. On the table in the front was a row of ten stuffed birds. Each bird had a sack covering its body, and only the legs were showing. When class started, the professor announced that the students were to identify each bird by looking at its legs and give its common name, species, habitat, mating habits, etc.
Joe looked at each of the birds' legs. They all looked the same to him. He started to get angry. He had stayed up all night studying for this test and now he had to identify birds by their LEGS? The more he thought about the situation, the angrier he got.
Finally he reached his boiling point. He stood up, marched up to the professor's desk, crumpled up his exam paper and threw it on the desk. "What a ridiculous test!" he told the prof. "How could anyone tell the difference between these birds by looking at their legs? This exam is the biggest rip-off I've ever seen!"
With that, Joe turned and stormed toward the exit. The professor was a bit shocked, and it took him a moment to regain his composure. Then, just as Joe was about to walk out the door, the prof shouted out, "Wait a minute, young man, what's your name?"
Joe turned around, pulled up his pant legs and hollered, "You tell me, prof! You tell me!"
Olive
A blonde was hunched over the bar, toothpick in hand, spearing futilely at the olive in her drink. A dozen times the olive eluded her. Finally, another patron, who had been watching intently from the next stool, became exasperated and grabbed the toothpick.
"Here, this is how you do it." he said, as he easily skewered the olive.
"Big Deal," muttered the blonde. "I already had him so tired out, he couldn't get away."
Really funny jokes-Never say no to customer
The customer leaves and the manager walks over to give him a telling off. ‘Never tell a customer we can't get them something,' he says. ‘Whatever they want we can always get it on order and deliver it. D'you understand?'
The nurseryman nods.
‘So what did he want?' asks the manager.
‘Rain,' replies the nurseryman.
The curiosity of the passenger
The curiosity of the passenger was excited by the fact that his seat mate had his right arm in a sling, and the following dialogue occurred:"You broke your arm, didn't you?"
"Well, yes, I did."
"Had an accident, I suppose?"
"Not exactly. I did it in trying to pat myself on the back."
"My land! On the back! Now, whatever did you want to pat yourself on the back for?"
"Just for minding my own business."
A blonde woman in Georgia boug
A blonde woman in Georgia bought a magnolia tree from a local nursery but, after only a few months, its leaves shrivelled and it appeared to be on its last legs. She took some leaf samples back to the nursery and demanded an explanation."Oh, I know exactly what's wrong with your magnolia tree, ma'am," said the manager.
"Good," she replied. "What is it?"
"Autumn!" he said.
Fish Jokes 06
Why are gold fish orange?
The water makes them rusty!
Who held the baby octopus to ransome?
Squidnappers!
What part of a fish weighs the most?
It's scales!
What fish do road-menders use?
Pneumatic krill!
What happens when sharks take their clothes off?
They go sharkers!
What game do fish like playing the most?
Name that tuna!
What do naked fish play with?
Bare-a-cudas!
What do you get if you cross a big fish with an electricity pylon?
An electric shark!
Who sleeps at the bottom of the sea?
Jack the kipper!
What is a dolphin's favorite TV show?
Whale of fortune!
Out of the Mouths of Babes...
An old doctor went way out to the boon-docks to deliver a baby. It was so far out that there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5 year old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so, the mother pushed, and after a little while, the doctor lifted the new born baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.
"Hit him again," the child said.
"He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!!!"
Guide: "I welcome you all to N
Guide: "I welcome you all to Niagara Falls. These are the world's largest waterfalls and the sound intensity of the waterfall is so high, even 20 supersonic planes passing by can't be heard...Now may I request the ladies to keep quite so that we can hear the Niagara Falls?"
