Popular jokes (11371 to 11385)

Don't knock lazy people.

Don't knock lazy people. They are the most into-resting.

A couple from the kids...

A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, 'There were 2 boy kittens and 2 girl kittens.' 'How did you know?' his mother asked. 'Daddy picked them up and looked underneath,' he replied. 'I think it's printed on the bottom.'

A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table. 'What are you doing?' his mother asked. 'The box says not to eat them if the seal is broken' the boy explained. 'I'm looking for the seal.'

I bought a faulty bamboo tobog

I bought a faulty bamboo toboggan from a panda. The panda ripped me off. Now I feel bamboosled.

Things you don't want to hear from tech support...

'Do you have a sledgehammer or a brick handy?'

'...that's right, not even McGyver could fix it.'

'So... what are you wearing?'

'Duuuuuude! Bummer!'

'Press 1 for Support. Press 2 if you're with 60 Minutes. Press 3 if you're with the FTC.'

'We can fix this, but you're gonna need a butter knife, a roll of duct tape, and a car battery.'

'In layman's terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect.'

'Hold on a second... Mom! Timmy's hitting me!'

'Okay, turn to page 523 in your copy of Dianetics.'

'Please hold for Mr. Gates' attorney.'

My sister explained to my neph

My sister explained to my nephew how his voice would eventually change as he grew up.
Tyler was exuberant at the prospect.
"Cool!" he said. "I hope I get a German accent."

Married the Longest

At my granddaughter's wedding reception, the DJ polled the guests to see who had been married longest. It turned out to be my husband and me. The DJ asked us, "What advice would you give to the newly married couple?"
I said, "The three most important words in a marriage are, 'You're probably right.'"
Everyone then looked at my husband. He said, "She's probably right."

Good news and bad news....

A doctor enters into a patient's room and informs the patient that he has good news and bad news. He then asks the patient which news he would like to hear.

The patient responds, "Doctor, give me the good news."

The doctor says, "Well we are gonna name a disease after you."

Oklahoma Crazy Law

It is illegal to have the hind legs of farm animals in your boots.

Dogs must have a permit signed by the mayor in order to congregate in groups of three or more on private property.

It is illegal to wear your boots to bed.

Fish may not be contained in fishbowls while on a public bus.

Tissues are not to be found in the back of one's car.

Oklahoma will not tolerate anyone taking a bite out of another's hamburger.

No one may spit on a sidewalk.

Females are forbidden from doing their own hair without being licensed by the state.

Cars must be tethered outside of public buildings. (Repealed)

Anyone arrested for soliciting a hooker must have their name and picture shown on television.

It is against the law to read a comic book while operating a motor vehicle.

Whaling is illegal.

Violators can be fined, arrested or jailed for making ugly faces at a dog.

Tattoos are banned.

Residents are taxed for the furniture in their homes, and any other personal belongings. (Repealed 1998)

People who make "ugly faces" at dogs may be fined and/or jailed.

Ada

If you wear New York Jets clothing, you may be put in jail.

Clinton

Molesting an automobile is illegal.

Hawthahorne

It is unlawful to put any hypnotized person in a display window.

Oklahoma City

No one may walk backwards downtown while eating a hamburger.

Schulter

Women may not gamble in the nude, in lingerie, or while wearing a towel.

Tulsa

You may not open a soda bottle without the supervision of a licensed engineer.

Elephants are not to be taken into the downtown area.

Wynona

One's mode of transportation must be tied up while not attended.

Mules may not drink out of bird baths.

Clothes may not be washed in bird baths.

Yukon

It is illegal to tie a horse in front of city hall.

While passing another vehicle, you must honk your horn.

#joke #animal #dog #horse #bird #mule #elephant #fish #food #eating

A New Set of Golf Clubs

Bob: "I just got a new set of golf clubs for my wife."

Jim: "Great trade!"

Thoughts To Ponder

Thoughts To Ponder
1. How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
2. Why do you have to "put your two cents in", but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
3. Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
4. What disease did cured ham actually have?
5. How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
6. Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
7. If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
8. Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
9. Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
10. Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

 The Preacher Buys A Parrot

A preacher is buying a parrot.
"Are you sure it doesn't scream, yell, or swear?" asked the preacher.
"Oh absolutely. It's a religious parrot," the storekeeper assures him.
"Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he recites the lord's prayer, and when you pull on the left he recites the 23rd Psalm."
"Wonderful!" says the preacher, "but what happens if you pull both strings?"
"I fall off my perch, you stupid fool!" screeched the parrot.

A lady goes to the doctor and

A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that. About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the table!" The doctor says, "I’m sorry, we didn’t realize the pill was that strong! The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages." "Nah," she says, "that's okay. We're never going back to that restaurant anyway."

Some Things You Just Can't Explain

A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So what happened that's so horrible?
Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket.
Man: Ok, but that's not so bad.
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So what happened then?
Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.
Man: and then?
Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.
Man: Again?
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So, what did you do then?
Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.
Man: and then?
Farmer: Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.
Man: Hmmm
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So, what did you do?

Farmer: Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in...

 A Very Happy Psychic

I am not a believer in seances, but I went to one just to see what they are like. The psychic was doing his thing and grinning from ear to ear. I assumed his merriment was due to the fact that he was fooling a gullible public and gave him a poke in the nose. You can probably guess the rest. I was arrested for striking a happy medium.

The vet...

There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist.

Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income.

He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying, "Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy -- Either way, you get your dog back!"