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Popular jokes (11386 to 11400)

Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system.

In the words of Julius Caesar,...

In the words of Julius Caesar, "Veni, Vidi, Vici, Chuck Norris". Translation: I came, I saw, and I was roundhouse-kicked in the face.
Joke | Source: Daily Chuck - Daily Chuck Norris Fact
  • Currently 6.10/10

Rating: 6.1/10 (10)

Funny jokes-Learning customs

Sun Wen from China decides to move to Australia after having spent most of his life in China. He moves to a small Australian town in the countryside.

Shaun, the Aussie guy next door decides to welcome him, so he walks up the drive but finds Sun Wen running around his front yard chasing some hens. Thinking it must be some Chinese custom and not wanting to interrupt, he decides to welcome his neighbor some other time.

After two days, he thinks of trying again, but before ringing the bell, he looks through the window and sees Sun Wen urinate into a mug and then drink it. A little dazed and not meaning to interrupt another, 'Chinese custom', he decides to give it a try after a couple of days.

Another two days go by, and Shaun feels it's high time that the new neighbor be given a warm welcome. So he goes next door, only to find Sun Wen leading a bull under a tree and drawing his face really close to the bull's back side.

Shaun can't contain himself anymore, so he goes up to Sun Wen and says, "Mate, you sure have some strange customs in China. I came to welcome you thrice - each time I found you doing strange things. First, you were chasing some hens, then I saw you p*issing in a mug and drinking it and today, I find you drawing your face so close to the bull's hind side, I was afraid it would crap on you."

Sun Wen is surprised and says, "Pardon me sir, you no understand, these not Chinese customs, these Australian Customs."

"What?" says Shaun, "How on earth can these be Australian customs?"

Sun Wen replied, "Of course they are. Travel agency man tell me if I want to become true Australian, I must be good at chasing chicks, drinking p*ss (booze) and listening to bull-sh*t."
#joke #animal #bull
Joke | Source: Really Funny Jokes - Really Funny jokes, adult jokes, Good jokes, short funny jokes, teacher jokes, affair jokes, kids jokes, doctor jokes, funny pictures
  • Currently 4.40/10

Rating: 4.4/10 (5)

Visiting Grandma...

A grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson, who is coming to visit with his wife:

"You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in apartment 14T. There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow push button 14T. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow hit 14. When you get out I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell".

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow"?

"You're coming empty handed"?

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 9.13/10

Rating: 9.1/10 (16)

Apple pie....

Little Johnny and his family lived in the country, and as a result seldom had guests. He was eager to help his mother after his father appeared with two dinner guests from the office.

When the dinner was nearly over, Little Johnny went to the kitchen and proudly carried in the first piece of apple pie, giving it to his father who passed it to a guest.

Little Johnny came in with a second piece of pie and gave it to his father, who again gave it to a guest.

This was too much for Little Johnny, who said, "It's no use, Dad. The pieces are all the same size."

#joke #fruit #apple #food #dinner #pie #mother #father
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 8.12/10

Rating: 8.1/10 (17)

Oxymorons

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
10. Why are they called " stands" when they are made for sitting?
11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?
21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?
27. Christmas - What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?
28. Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway ? I dunno, why do we?
#joke #christmas
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 2.67/10

Rating: 2.7/10 (3)

“The two pianists had...

“The two pianists had a good marriage. They always were in a chord.”

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous jokes on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 5.50/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (6)

 Yo Mama Is So Greasy


Yo mama so greasy she used bacon as a band-aid!
Yo mama so greasy she sweats Crisco!
Yo mama so greasy Texaco buys Oil from her

#joke #short #yomama #food #bacon
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 4.25/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (4)

The Post Turtle

While suturing up a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, whose hand had been caught in the gate while working his cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Hone Hawariwa and how he got to be an MP.
The  old farmer said, "Well, ya know, Hone is just a Post Tortoise."
Now not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked,
What's a "Post Tortoise?"
The old farmer said, "When you're driving down a  country road and you come across a fence post with a Tortoise balanced on top, that's a post Tortoise."
http://farm6.static.flickr.com/5058/5458305028_545352daea.jpg

The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he sure as hell isn't goin' anywhere, and you just wonder what prick put him there in the first place."

#joke #doctor #animal #turtle
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Originally taken from site that work no more - Get Frank - NZ's Online Men's Lifestyle Magazine for Fashion, Health, Lifestyle, Recreation Articles & Reviews, Funny jokes and photos updated daily
  • Currently 4.44/10

Rating: 4.4/10 (9)

Old Mrs. Pierpoint...

Worried that they hadn't heard anything for days from the widow in the apartment next door, the mother said to her son, "Tony, would you go next door and see how old Mrs. Pierpoint is?"

A few minutes later, Tony returned.

"Well, is she all right?" asked the mother.

"She's fine, but she's rather annoyed with you," remarked Tony.

"At me?" the mother exclaimed. "Whatever for?"

Tony replied, "Mrs. Pierpoint said it's none of your business how old she is."

#joke #mother
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 5.67/10

Rating: 5.7/10 (3)

When I see acne it makes me vo

When I see acne it makes me vomit. It's a cyst-emetic reaction.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

Crazy Coincidence

Question:

What do a blonde and a car have in common?

Answer:

They can both drive you crazy!

Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 4.75/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (4)

Myra was going to the Christma

Myra was going to the Christmas office party but needed a new party dress.
In the clothing store she asked, "May I try on that dress in the window, please?"
"Certainly not, madam," responded the salesgirl, "You'll have to use the fitting room like everyone else."
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 7.50/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (2)

 Hilarious Jokes About The Irish


Two Irish friends greeted each other while waiting their turn at the bank window. "This reminds me of Finnegan," remarked one.
"What about Finnegan?" inquired the other.
"'Tis a story that Finnegan died, and when he greeted St. Peter, he said: 'It's a fine job you've had here for a long time.' 'Well, Finnegan,' said St. Peter, 'here we count a million years as a minute and a million dollars as a cent.' 'Ah!' said Finnegan, 'I'm needing cash. Lend me a cent.' 'Sure,' said St. Peter, 'just wait a minute.'"
Shamrock
Hennessy wasn't a very good looking fellow to start with. Now his business had failed, and his wife and family had left him. Depressed and distracted, he was standing near the edge of the bridge, contemplating suicide. Suddenly, he sensed that someone was behind him, and turning around he saw an ugly little old leprechaun.
"Don't jump," she said, and I'll grant you three wishes."
"Right," he said. "my first wish is to have $100,000."
She said, "When you check your account, you will find that you are in credit to that amount."
He then said, "My second wish is to have my wife and children back."
She said, "They will be there when you get home."
He said, "My third wish is to be tall and handsome."
She said, When you look in the mirror, you will find that your wish has been granted." Then she added, "I want you to do something in return for me. I want you to kiss me."
He looked at her and shuddered at the thought. But under the circumstances he thought he should do as she wanted. He took her in his arms and kissed her again and again.
She said, "What age are you?"
He replied, "I'm forty."
She said, "Don't you think that you're a bit too old to be believing in leprechauns?"

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 8.33/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (3)

I took some friends out to din

I took some friends out to dinner last week, and I noticed a spoon in the shirt pocket of our waiter as he handed us the menus. It seemed a little odd, but I dismissed it as a random thing. Until our busboy came with water & tableware. He too, sported a spoon in his breast pocket. I looked around the room, and all the waiters, waitresses, busboys, etc. had spoons in their pockets. When our waiter returned to take our order, I just had to ask, "Why the spoons?"
"Well," he explained, "our parent company recently hired some consulting efficiency experts to review all our procedures, and after months of statistical analyses, they concluded that our patrons drop spoons on the floor 73% more often than any other utensil; at a frequency of 3 spoons per hour per workstation.By preparing all our workers for this contingency in advance, we can cut our trips to the kitchen down and save time . . . nearly 1.5 extra man-hours per shift."
Just as he concluded, a "ch-ching" came from the table behind him, and he quickly replaced a fallen spoon with the one from his pocket."I'll grab another spoon the next time I'm in the kitchen instead of making a special trip," he proudly explained. I was impressed.
"Thanks. I had to ask."
"No problem," he answered, then he continued to take our orders.
As the members of my dinner party took their turns, my eyes darted back and forth from each person ordering and my menu. That's when, out of the corner of my eye, I spotted a thin, black thread protruding from our waiter's fly.Again, I dismissed it; yet I had to scan the room and, sure enough, there were other waiters and busboys with strings hanging out of their trousers. My curiosity overrode discretion at this point, so before he could leave I had to ask."Excuse me, but . . . uh . . . why, or what . . . about that string?"
"Oh, yeah" he began in a quieter tone. "Not many people are that observant.That same efficiency group found we could save time in the men's room, too."
"How's that?"
"You see, by tying a string to the end of our, eh, selves, we can pull it out at the urinals literally hands-free and hereby eliminate the need to wash our hands, cutting time spent in the restroom by over 93%!"
"Oh, that makes sense," I said, but then thinking through the process, I asked, "Hey, wait a minute.If the string helps you pull it out, how do you get it back in?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the other guys,but I use my spoon."
#joke #food #dinner
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 8.44/10

Rating: 8.4/10 (9)

A couple were having a picnic ...

A couple were having a picnic in a jungle. Suddenly a crocodile appears and attacks the husband. He cries, "Shoot it, quick!" "I can't!" says his wife. "I'm out of film!"
#joke #short #animal #crocodile
Joke | Source: Click The City - Philippine's Leading Lifestyle and Entertainment Guide.
  • Currently 4.50/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (2)

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