Popular jokes (1231 to 1245)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
A tall blonde
A tourist had lost his way on a back road and stopped at a farmhouse to ask if he could be stay there for the night.
“Well, we’re mighty crowded since there’s already someone in the spare room,” replied the farmer. “But I guess you can stay if you don’t mind sharing the bed with a tall blonde.”
The tourist puffed out his chest and replied, “That’s fine by me and in case you’re worried, I want you to know I’m a gentleman.”
“Well,” mused the farmer, “as far as I can tell, so is the tall blonde.”
Joke Found on Starts at 60
Photo by Sharon McCutcheon on Unsplash
A guy is stranded on a desert...
A guy is stranded on a desert island all alone for ten years. One day he sees a speck on the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.
She comes up to the guy and she says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years!" he says.
She reaches over, unzips this waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.
He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"
Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"
He replies, "Ten years!"
She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on the right, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.
He takes a long swig and says, "Wow! That's fantastic!"
Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?"
And the man replies, "Oh my! Don't tell me you've got a computer in there!"
The # 1 April Fools Prank of All Time - The Swiss Spaghetti Harvest
April 1, 1957: The respected BBC news show Panorama announced that thanks to a very mild winter and the virtual elimination of the dreaded spaghetti weevil, Swiss farmers were enjoying a bumper spaghetti crop.
It accompanied this announcement with footage of Swiss peasants pulling strands of spaghetti down from trees. Huge numbers of viewers were taken in.
Many called the BBC wanting to know how they could grow their own spaghetti tree. To this the BBC diplomatically replied, 'place a sprig of spaghetti in a tin of tomato sauce and hope for the best.'
Even the director-general of the BBC later admitted that after seeing the show he checked in an encyclopedia to find out if that was how spaghetti actually grew (but the encyclopedia had no information on the topic).
The broadcast remains, by far, the most popular and widely acclaimed April Fool's Day hoax ever, making it an easy pick for number one. #1: The Swiss Spaghetti Harvest
Lost boots
There was a little boy in kindergarten. At the end of one cold winter day, when all the other children were leaving, the teacher found him crying, so she asked him what was wrong.
He sobbed, "I can't find my boots."
The teacher looked around the classroom and saw a pair of boots. "Are these yours?"
"No, they're not mine," said the little boy, shaking his head.
The teacher and the boy searched all over the classroom for his boots.
Finally, the teacher gave up, "Are you SURE those boots are not yours?"
"I'm sure," the boy sobbed, "mine had snow on them."
Chuck Norris got shot. We are ...
Chuck Norris got shot. We are now in the hospital, where the bullet is in critical condition. Chelsea Handler: AA Meetings
Have you ever been to an AA meeting? No wonder these people are alcoholics -- Ive never needed a drink more badly in my life. Another 14 Dad jokes, be ready for Father's Day
Get your Dad jokes ready on time! Third Sunday of June is Father's Day, have fun with these!
1. Scientists say that one day, it may be possible to live on Mars.
I tried it for a month, gained nearly 3 stone in weight and developed type 2 diabetes!
2. I think I want a job cleaning mirrors.
I could really see myself doing it.
3. What did the kid Pirate say to the Mom Pirate?
Arrrn’t you glad you met Dad?
4. How do astronomers organise a party?
They planet!
5. I made a soup entirely from ingredients extracted from the atmosphere…
It was a broth of fresh air!
6. When does a regular joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
7. It wasn’t much fun when I broke my neck last year.
But now I can look back and laugh.
8. Anyone remember that chiropractor joke I shared?
It was about a weak back.
9. I recently visited the "World's Tiniest Wind Turbine" exhibit.
Honestly, not a big fan.
10. I can’t bring my dog to the pond anymore. The ducks keep attacking him.
Guess that’s what I get for getting a pure bread dog.
11. I only seem to get sick on weekdays.
I must have a weekend immune system.
12. What did the triangle say to the circle?
You’re pointless.
13. Hey, Dad, did you get a haircut?
Nope, I got them all cut
14. Where do pigs like to relax?
In hammocks
Grocery store worker...
“Grocery store workers must let the customer decide if they want paper or plastic because baggers can't be choosers.”
White hairs
One day, a girl walks to her mother and look at her mother's hair and sadly said: "Why are some of your hair white mom?"
The mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.
The girl thought about this revelation a while, and then said, "Momma, how come *all* of grandma's hairs are white?"
Spell A Word To Get Into Heaven
A guy goes to the gates of heaven where he meets St. Peter. St. Peter says to him "God has looked at your book of life and you are welcome in heaven under one condition"
The man say "What's that?"
St. Peter says "You must spell the word 'Love'." So he does and he is let in to heaven. As he gets in, St. Peter's beeper goes off. He tells the man to watch the gate until he returns, and reminds him that he must ask whoever comes to spell the word. Next thing you know, his wife show up at the gate and he asks her what she is doing there?
She says that on the way home from the funeral, there was an accident and she died. The husband says alright, but you do have to spell one word first before you come in to heaven.
She asks "What's that?"
He says "Spell Czechoslovakia"
