Popular jokes (1351 to 1365)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
You Might Be a Cop if...
You Might Be a Cop if...
1. People shout, "I didn't do it!" when you walk into a room.
2. Your idea of a good time is an armed robbery at shift change.
3. You disbelieve 90% of what you hear and 75% of what you see.
4. You believe the government should require a permit to reproduce.
5. You believe prozac should be added regularly to the water system.
6. When you mention vegetables, you're not referring to the food group.
7. You want to hold a seminar entitled "Suicide - getting it right the first time."
8. You call for a criminal record check on anyone who seems friendly toward you.
9. You believe anyone who says, "I only had two beers" is going to blow over 150.
10. You walk into places and people think it's high comedy to seize a co-worker and shout, "They've come to get you...".
Dilbert's Salary Theorem
Dilbert's "Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers and scientists can never earn as much as business executives and sales people."This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:
As every engineer knows: Power = Work / Time
Since:
Knowledge = Power
Time = Money
Knowledge = Work/Money.
Solving for Money, we get:
Money = Work / Knowledge.
Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.
Conclusion:
The less you know, the more you make.
A man calls home to his wife a...
A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends.We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting. Would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."
The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife that she is, she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good.
The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish.
He says, "Yes! Lot's of Walleye, some Bluegill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"
The wife replied, "I did, they were in your tackle box."
Trying To Fix A Clock
Harvey's grandfather clock suddenly stops working right one day, so he loads it into his van and takes it to a clock repair shop. In the shop is a little old man who insists he is Swiss, and has a heavy German accent. He asks Harvey, "Vat sims to be ze problem?"
Harvey says, "I'm not sure, but it doesn't go 'tick-tocktick -tock' anymore. Now it just goes 'tick...tick...tick.'"
The old man says, "Mmm-Hm!" and steps behind the counter, where he rummages around a bit. He emerges with a huge flashlight and walks over the grandfather clock.
He turns the flashlight on, and shines it directly into the clocks face. Then he says in a menacing voice, "Ve haf vays of making you tock!"
Hospital Trolley
A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor operation. She's laid on a hospital trolley bed with nothing on, except a sheet over her. The nurse pushes the trolley down the corridor towards the operating theatre, where she leaves the girl on the trolley outside, while she goes in to check whether everything is ready. A young man wearing a white coat approaches, lifts the sheet up and starts examining her naked body. He puts the sheet back and then walks away and talks to another man in a white coat. The second man comes over, lifts the sheet and does the same examinations. When a third man does the same thing, but more closely, she grows impatient and says: "All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?"
The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders: "I have no idea. We're just painting the corridor."
Balcony Life
Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 10-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot,"
he said. "An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed.
"Looks like the Anderson's have company," he called out. "Matt`s riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex."
Mom and dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.
"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.
Dozen of Nothing
My wife asked me why I call her 12?
Dozen cook, dozen clean, dozen do anything...
All the farmers for a hundred
All the farmers for a hundred miles around were attending the wedding of a young Australian couple.Waiting for things to get started, they were somewhat shocked to see the bride's father storm up the aisle, jacket off, sleeves rolled up, and obviously very angry.
"The weddin's off," he shouted, "Everybody bugger off!"
Dismayed and muttering, the guests repaired to the parking lot, grumbling about their missed opportunity for free beer.
One guest, a friend of the bride's father, held back, and approached him. "What's the problem?" he asked.
"Someone stole a keg of beer, and some bastard fucked the bride!" exclaimed the father.
The guest, taken aback, and rendered speechless, left the church, joining the other farmers.
A few minutes later, the father reappeared and yelled, "All right! Everyone back inside! The weddin's on again!"
As the farmers filed back into the church, the friend again approached the father of the bride, and asked, "What happened to make you change your mind?"
Grinning sheepishly, he replied, "Oh, well, we... uh... we found the keg of beer."
Enjoy the little things in life
Enjoy the little things in life because one day you will look back and realize they were the big things. 
Flea Jokes 01
What is the most faithful insect?
A flea, once they find someone they like they stick to them!
What insect runs away from everything?
A flee!
What is the difference between a flea and a wolf?
One prowls on the hairy and the other howls on the prairie!
What to you call a Russian flea?
A Moscow-ito!
Two fleas where running across the top of a cereal packet?
"Why are we running so fast?
" said one
Because it says "Tear along the dotted line"
What do you call a flea that lives in an idiots ear?
A space invader!
What do you get if you cross a rabbit and a flea?
Bugs Bunny!
How do you start an insect race?
One, two, flea - go!
How do you find where a flea has bitten you?
Start from scratch!
What is a flea's favorite book?
The itch-hikers guide to the galaxy!
