Popular jokes (1426 to 1440)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Stolen Car
A drunk phoned the police to report that thieves had broken in to his car.
"They've stolen the dashboard, steering wheel, break pedal, even the accelerator," he cried out.
However, before the police investigation could get under way the phone rang a second time, with the same voice came over the line. "Never mind," said the drunk with a hiccup, "I got in the backseat by mistake."
Goat for Dinner
The young couple invited their aged pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having. "Goat," the little boy replied. "Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?"
"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Pa say to Ma, 'Might as well have the old goat for dinner today as any other day.'"
10 funny one-liners from North West comedians
"I think animal testing is a terrible idea - they get all nervous and give the wrong answers." - Peter Kay
"A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals." - Peter Kay
"So this bloke says to me, 'Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?' I thought, "'That's all I need - a Je-hoover's witness.'" - Peter Kay
"So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, I thought, 'That's a turtle disaster.'- Peter Kay
"We've had to get a live-in nanny, 'cos that dead one wasn't working out." - Lee Mack
"I’m in a relationship at the moment. Sorry girls... it’s going to have to be your place." - Lee Mack
"I went to see a handwriting expert last week, she could tell I was laid-back, gullible and well-off just from a signature on a cheque." - Lee Mack
"I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it." - Ken Dodd
"My Dad always knew I was going to be a comedian. When I was a baby he said, 'Is this a joke?'" - Ken Dodd
"Five out of every three people have trouble understanding fractions." - Ken Dodd
vivo Smart Phone Minions
vivo Smart Phone Minions. Minions discover smart phones. They seem really happy about it. 
Monday to Sunday ... Sunday to Monday
NY to Chicago = 1,271 km
Chicago to NY = 1,271 km
January to December = 12 months
December to January = 12 months
Ground Floor to 15th Floor = 15 floors
15th Floor to Ground Floor = 15 floors
Monday to Sunday = 6 days
Sunday to Monday = 1 DAY!!
Image credit: Rizwan Elias
Question and answer blond jokes
Q: Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency? A: They can't remember the number.
Q: Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency?
A: She can't find the number 11 on the telephone buttons.
Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: "What's a lightbulb?"
Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaady!"
Q: How do you get rid of blondes?
A: Form a circle, give each blonde a gun, and tell them they are a firing squad.
Q: Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $10bill. Who picks it up?
A: The dumb blonde! because, there is no such thing as Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, or a smart blonde.
Q: Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $10bill. Who picks it up?
A: None of them, two don't exist and the dumb blonde thought it was a gum wrapper.
Drunk test
A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."
The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."
"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that,I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then, we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."
"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."
Playing Poker
I once played poker with tarot cards...
I got a full house and four people died.
The world needs more happiness
If you have the power to make someone happy, do it. The world needs more of that. If you are hotter than me
If you are hotter than me does that mean i'm cooler than you? A woman awakes during the nigh...
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched, thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies. The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the backseat of my car?" "Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues, "Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years!" "I remember that too," she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I would have gotten out today!"
One evening, a man gave his ti...
One evening, a man gave his tipsy secretary a ride home after an office party. His wife was prone to jealousy, so he didn't mention the incident to her. Later in the evening, he was driving his wife to a restaurant when he noticed a stiletto-heeled shoe half-hidden under the passenger seat. Gripped with terror, he took advantage of a moment when she wasn't looking to grab the shoe and throw it out of the window.
The rest of the journey went well until they arrived at the restaurant.
"That's strange," said his wife, looking a little agitated. "Have you seen my other shoe?"
