Popular jokes (1426 to 1440)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
25 years of marriage
After 25 years of marriage, I took a look at my wife one day and said:
"Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black-and-white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old blonde.
Now, we have a nice house, a nice car, a big bed and a big-screen plasma TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."
But my wife is a very reasonable woman.
She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old blonde, and she'd make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car and sleeping on a sofa bed.
An 87 year-old man went to the...
An 87 year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical.A few days later, the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.
A couple of days later, when the old man had an appointment with the doctor again, the doctor said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
The man replied, "Just doing what you said doctor, "Get a hot mama and be cheerful."
The doctor said, "I didn't say that!... I said you have got a heart murmur. Be careful!"
Fishing in a puddle
The rain was pouring and there was a big puddle in front of the pub.
A ragged old man was standing there with a rod and hanging a string into the puddle.
A tipsy- looking, curious gentleman came over to him and asked what he was doing.
'Fishing,' the old man said simply.
'Poor old fool,' the gentleman thought and he invited the ragged old man to a drink in the pub.
As he felt he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whiskey, the gentleman asked,
'And how many have you caught?'
‘You're the eighth.‘
Found on Tell Funny Stories - A willing victim letting himself be caught joke, posted October 24, 2010
Marriage Certificate
Wife: "What are you doing?"
Husband: "Nothing."
Wife: "Nothing? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour."
Husband: "I was looking for the expiration date."
A Depressed Blonde Guy Walks Into A Bar
A Blonde Guy walks into a bar very down on himself. As he walks up to the bar the bartender asks, "what's the matter?"
The Blonde Guy replies, "well I've got these two horses (sniff, sniff), and well… I can't tell them apart. I don't know if I'm mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods."
The bartender, feeling sorry for the guy, tries to think of something he can do.
"Why don't you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?"
The man stops crying and says, "that sounds like a good idea, I think I'll try it."
A few months later he comes back to the bar in worse condition than he was before.
"What's the matter now?" the bartender asks.
The Blonde Guy, in no condition to be in public, answers, "I shaved the tail of one of the horses (sob, sob), but it grew back and I can't tell them apart again!"
The bartender, now just wanting him to shut up or leave says, "why don't you try shaving the mane, maybe that will not grow back."
He stops crying, has a few drinks, and leaves.
A few months later the guy is back in the bar.
The bartender has never seen anybody in this sorry of a state.
Without the bartender even asking the fellow breaks into his problems. "I.. I shaved the (sob) mane of one of the (sniff) horses, and… it… it… grew back!"
The bartender, now furious at the guy's general stupidity, yells, "for crying out loud, just measure the stupid horses. Perhaps one is slightly taller than the other one!"
The guy cannot believe what the bartender has said and storms out of the bar.
The next day the Blonde Guy comes running back into the bar as if he had just won the lottery.
"It worked, it worked!" he exclaims.
"I measured the horses and the black one is two inches taller than the white one!"
April Fool’s Day Pranks
1. Take something from someone’s office and leave them a ransom note. 2. Add several odd appointments with alarms set to go off during the day to a co-worker’s Outlook calendar.
3. Add food coloring to milk that comes in a cardboard container.
4. Add food coloring to the windshield washer fluid of someone’s car.
5. Switch around random keys on someone’s keyboard who isn’t a very good typist.
6. Switch the Push and Pull signs on a set of doors.
One wish
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord, grant me one wish."
Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want to."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish. A wish you think would honor and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing,' and how I can make a woman truly happy."
After a few minutes, God said, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
A father and son went fishing...
A father and son went fishing one day. While they were out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, "How does this boat float? The father replied, "Don't rightly know son." A little later, the boy looked at his father and asked, "How do fish breath underwater?"
Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know son." A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?"
Again, the father replied. "Don't rightly know son." Finally, the boy asked his father, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?"
The father replied, "Of course not, you don't ask questions, you never learn nothin'."
Life's a test...graded on a curve...
At age 4, success is... not peeing in your pants.At age 12, success is... having friends.
At age 16, success is... having a driver's license.
At age 20, success is... having sex.
At age 35, success is... having money.
At age 50, success is... having money.
At age 60, success is... having sex.
At age 70, success is... having a driver's license.
At age 75, success is... having friends.
At age 80, success is... not peeing in your pants.
Christmas QA jokes part three
Q: What do cats and dogs call Santa Clause?
A: Santa paws!!!
Q: What is a parents favorite Christmas carol?
A: Silent night!
Q: What do you get from a cow at the North Pole?
A: Ice cream.
Q: Why do mummys like the holidays?
A: Becuse of all the wrapping!
Q: Why don’t aliens celebrate Chistmas?
A: Because they don’t want to give away their presence.
Q: When does New Year’s Day come before Christmas Day?
A: Every year!
Q: Why does everybody like Frosty the Snowman?
A: Because he is so cool!
Q.Which reindeer likes to clean?
A.Comet
Mickey & Minnie Splitting Up
Mickey Mouse is in the process of divorcing Minnie Mouse.
As they sit in the courtroom, the judge says to Mickey, "Mr. Mouse, you claim the reason for your divorce is primarily based on the fact that your wife is crazy?"
Mickey responds, "No, I didn't say she was crazy, I said she was fucking Goofy!"
