Animal jokes (1516 to 1530)Jokes about animals. These are the jokes listed 1516 to 1530. |
Dumb Parents
Dumb Parents
Found my son and his girlfriend naked in his room. Sex-ed is so advanced now, they also give homework!
I heard my daughter tell her friend she ate her boyfriend's cock last night. Last time I checked she didn't like chicken for dinner!
My son and his friends are great. They always spray the house with air freshener before I get home!
My husband is so thoughtful...I overheard him say he gave his secretary a cream pie.
My son's black friends always ask me if I can "make it clap"...of course I can. All I need is two hands.
My daughter's boyfriend always checks her for breast cancer...How considerate.
My son's black friends must be bad at basketball...They keep talking about how they want to double team me.
My son used a whole box of tissues last week ... He must be really sick.
My son wants to make video games when he grows up. So it's important he plays as much as he can to learn.
My son is in his room watching "human reproduction videos" for his science class.
I put the oregano in my sons room all over my spaghetti and now everything has been so funny for me.
My son's friend said he wanted to get "stoned"...What a horrible way to die. Why would he say that?
My son sent a text to his girlfriend saying "I'm gonna tear that pussy up". He's grounded! Animal abuse is NOT tolerated in this household!
I think my daughter secretly loves star wars, I found a vibrating light saber under her bed!
I swear bugs fly near my head just to watch me slap myself.
My son is always tending to his in-home garden...I never understood why he grows his plants in the closet though.
My daughter is such a great tutor...Every boy in school is always leaving her room with a big smile on their face.
My son and his friend always talk about getting that weed, never knew they took gardening so seriously.
My sons friend keep asking me if my back door is open. They must love the new pool!
My husband has been coming home late because he's been training his new secretary. He's so considerate.
My son always deletes the history on his laptop...He's always thinking of ways to make it run faster! Smart boy.
Found my son and his girlfriend naked in his room. Sex-ed is so advanced now, they also give homework!
I heard my daughter tell her friend she ate her boyfriend's cock last night. Last time I checked she didn't like chicken for dinner!
My son and his friends are great. They always spray the house with air freshener before I get home!
My husband is so thoughtful...I overheard him say he gave his secretary a cream pie.
My son's black friends always ask me if I can "make it clap"...of course I can. All I need is two hands.
My daughter's boyfriend always checks her for breast cancer...How considerate.
My son's black friends must be bad at basketball...They keep talking about how they want to double team me.
My son used a whole box of tissues last week ... He must be really sick.
My son wants to make video games when he grows up. So it's important he plays as much as he can to learn.
My son is in his room watching "human reproduction videos" for his science class.
I put the oregano in my sons room all over my spaghetti and now everything has been so funny for me.
My son's friend said he wanted to get "stoned"...What a horrible way to die. Why would he say that?
My son sent a text to his girlfriend saying "I'm gonna tear that pussy up". He's grounded! Animal abuse is NOT tolerated in this household!
I think my daughter secretly loves star wars, I found a vibrating light saber under her bed!
I swear bugs fly near my head just to watch me slap myself.
My son is always tending to his in-home garden...I never understood why he grows his plants in the closet though.
My daughter is such a great tutor...Every boy in school is always leaving her room with a big smile on their face.
My son and his friend always talk about getting that weed, never knew they took gardening so seriously.
My sons friend keep asking me if my back door is open. They must love the new pool!
My husband has been coming home late because he's been training his new secretary. He's so considerate.
My son always deletes the history on his laptop...He's always thinking of ways to make it run faster! Smart boy.
A lawyer and two friends, a ra
A lawyer and two friends, a rabbi and a Hindu holy man, had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer.The farmer said, "There might be a problem; you see, I only have room for two to sleep, so one of you must sleep in the barn."
"No problem," chimed the rabbi. "My people wandered in the desert for forty years. I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening."
With that, he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night.
Moments later, a knock was heard at the door, and the farmer opened it. There stood the rabbi from the barn.
"What's wrong?" asked the farmer.
He replied, "I'm grateful to you, but I can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn, and my faith believes that is an unclean animal."
His Hindu friend agreed to swap places with him. But a few minutes later, the same scene recurred. There was a knock on the door.
"What's wrong now?" the farmer asked.
The Hindu holy man replied, "I too am grateful for your helping us out, but there is a cow in the barn, and in my country cows are considered sacred. I can't sleep on holy ground!"
Well, that left only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but he went out to the barn.
Moments later, there was another knock on the farmer's door.
Frustrated and tired, the farmer opened the door, and there stood ... the pig and the cow.
Newly Issued Alcohol Warnings
The Toronto Board of Health has proposed that warning signs be placed on all alcohol bottles to tip off drinkers about the possible peril of drinking a pint or two of any alcoholic beverage.
1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with a breath that could knock a buzzard off a wreaking dead animal that is one hundred yards away.
2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.
3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to assault you
4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you really think of him.
6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.
7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho Bob.
Special cow?
There was a nun whose old body began to surrender to time. Her doctor prescribed for her a shot of whiskey three times a day to relax her. Not to be lured into "worldly pleasures", she huffily declined.
But the Mother Superior knew the elderly sister loved milk. So she instructed the kitchen to spike the milk three times a day.
After a few more years, even that spiked milk couldn't help and the aged sister approached her final hour. As several nuns gathered around her at her bedside, the Mother Superior asked if she wanted to leave them with any words of wisdom.
"Oh, yes," she replied. "Never sell that cow!"
You Might Be A Redneck If 73
You might be a reneck if...
Duct tape and wire are the only two things holding your truck together.
Your bumper sticker reads "If you're missing your cat, look in my treads. "
You think the Gettysburg Address is where Lincoln lived.
You've ever parked your date next to a YIELD sign hoping she'd take the hint.
Your kids learned to shoot before they learned to walk.
You place a classified asking less than $1.
You think the freeway is the back door of the movie theater.
Higher math means counting over 10.
The lake has to be restocked after you take a bath.
You have a lucky rabbit's foot in your pocket and a lucky rabbit nailed above your fireplace.
A Great Salesman
A man named Donald bought a horse from a farmer for $250. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up to Donald's house and said, “Sorry, son, but I have some bad news. The horse died.”
Donald replied, “Well, then just give me back my money.”
The farmer said, “Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.”
Donald said, “Ok, then just bring me the dead horse.”
The farmer asked, “What ya gonna do with him?”
Donald said, “I’m going to raffle him off.”
The farmer said, “You can’t raffle off a dead horse!”
Donald said, “Sure I can! Watch me.
A month Later, the farmer met up with Donald and asked, “What happened with that dead horse?”
Donald said, “I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at five dollars apiece and made a profit of $2495.”
The farmer said, “Didn’t anyone complain?”
Donald said, “Just the guy who won. So I gave him back his five dollars.”
Donald is moving into the White House later this month.
Fish Jokes 06
Why are gold fish orange?
The water makes them rusty!
Who held the baby octopus to ransome?
Squidnappers!
What part of a fish weighs the most?
It's scales!
What fish do road-menders use?
Pneumatic krill!
What happens when sharks take their clothes off?
They go sharkers!
What game do fish like playing the most?
Name that tuna!
What do naked fish play with?
Bare-a-cudas!
What do you get if you cross a big fish with an electricity pylon?
An electric shark!
Who sleeps at the bottom of the sea?
Jack the kipper!
What is a dolphin's favorite TV show?
Whale of fortune!
A man wakes up one morning to...
A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers."He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.
"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."
A Maharajah Of India
The maharajah of an Indian Province issued a royal decree. He ordered that no one was to kill any wild animals while he was the country's leader. The decree was honored until there were so many Bengal Tigers running loose that the people revolted and threw the maharajah from power. This is the first known instance of the reign being called on account of the game. Why Do Frogs Like St. Patrick's Day?
Q: Why did St. Patrick drive all the snakes out of Ireland? A: He couldn't afford plane fareQ: What do you call a fake stone in Ireland?A: A sham rockQ: Why do frogs like St. Patrick's Day? A: Because they're always wearing greenQ: What does a leprechaun call a happy man wearing green?A: A Jolly Green GiantQ: What did one Irish ghost say to the other? A: 'Top o' the moaning!Q: How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time? A: He's Dublin over with laughter!A True Story
A young man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is at the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to swing when he hears, 'Ribbit. 9- Iron'.
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. 'Ribbit. 9-Iron.' He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong. He puts his other club away, and grabs a 9-iron. Boom! he hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked!
He says to the frog, 'Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?' The frog replies 'Ribbit. Lucky frog.'
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.
'What do you think frog?' the man asks. 'Ribbit. 3-wood.' The guy takes out a 3-wood, and boom! A hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say.
By the end of the day, the man has golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, 'OK where to next?' The frog replies, 'Ribbit. Las Vegas.'
They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, 'OK frog, now what?' The frog says, 'Ribbit. Roulette.'
Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, 'What do you think I should bet?' The frog replies, 'Ribbit. $3000,black 6.' Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the young man figures what the heck. Boom - tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.
The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.
He sits the frog down and says, 'Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've helped me to win all this money and I am forever grateful.'
The frog replies, 'Ribbit, Kiss Me.' He figures, Why not?
After all the frog did for him, it is a small price to pay.
With the kiss, however, the frog turns into a gorgeous 28-year-old young woman.
........... 'And that, sir, is exactly how your wife ended up in my room.'
