Animal jokes (1681 to 1695)

A burglar broke into a house o...

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,
'Jesus knows you're here.'
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more , after a bit, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a be*l he heard
'Jesus is watching you.'
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'
The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'
'Moses,' replied the bird.
'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'
'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

1. A day without sunshine is

1. A day without sunshine is like night.
2.. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture most people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
15. When everything is coming your way, you're inthe wrong lane.
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?
21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'
22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
23.. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapeno's. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

Questions to ponder....

If Con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Is a castrated pig disgruntled?

Why are hemorrhoids called 'hemorrhoids' instead of 'asteroids'?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn't everyone just move 10 miles away?

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

Why is abbreviation such a long word?

Since light travels faster than sound, is that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

Can you imagine a world with no hypothetical situations?

A young college student had st

A young college student had stayed up all night studying for his zoology test the next day. As he entered the classroom, he saw ten stands with ten birds on them. Each bird had a sack over its head; only the legs were showing. He sat straight in the front row because he wanted to do the best job possible. The professor announced that the test would be to look at each of the birds' legs and give the common name, habitat, genus and species.
The student looked at each of the birds' legs. They all looked the same to him. He began to get upset. He had stayed up all night studying and now had to identify birds by their legs. The more he thought about it the madder he got.
Finally he could stand it no longer. He went up to the professor's desk and said, "What a stupid test! How could anyone tell the difference between birds by looking at their legs?" With that the student threw his test on the professor's desk and walked to the door.
The professor was surprised. The class was so big that he didn't know every student's name so as the student reached the door the professor called, "Mister, what's your name?"
The enraged student pulled up his pant legs and said, "You tell me buddy! You tell me!"

“Installing a new bat

“Installing a new bathroom fan is exhausting.”

Where are the monkeys?

The young lady strolled thru the National Zoo and finally paused in front of the monkey island. Mystified as to the whereabouts of the animals, she queried the keeper, "Where are all of the monkeys?"

"They're all back in the cave Miss." he responded, "It's right in the midst of the mating season."

"I see." she replied, "Do you think they'd come out if I offered them some of these peanuts?"

Smiling the keeper responding, "Well, I can't rightly say as I know Miss. Would *YOU*?"

“The deer grabbed the

“The deer grabbed the gun and gave the hunter a taste of his own venison.”

A bunch of Indians capture a c...

A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy and bring him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to the cowboy, "You going to die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. On sundown of third day, you die. What is first wish?"
The cowboy thinks for a moment and then responds, "I want to see my horse." The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the ass. The horse takes off.
Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man - can only think of one thing."
The second day, the chief says, "What your wish today?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horses ear, then slaps it on the ass.
Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians shake their heads, figuring, "Typical white man - going to die tomorrow and can only think of one thing."
The last day comes, and the chief says, "This your last wish, white man. What you want?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse.
The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, "Read my lips! POSSE, dammit! P-O-S-S-E!"

 Deep Thoughts 11

It you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and your friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.
When I was a kid, my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in awhile he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.
I think people tend to forget that trees are living creatures. They're sort of like dogs. Huge, quiet, motionless dogs, with bark instead of fur.
If you drop your keys into molten lava just let 'em go 'cause, man, they're gone.
Contrary to popular belief, the most dangerous animal is not the lion or tiger or even the elephant. The most dangerous animal is a shark riding on an elephant, just trampling and eating everything they see.
Once when I was in Hawaii, on the island of Kauai, I met a mysterious old stranger. He said he was about to die and wanted to tell someone about the treasure. I said, "Okay, as long as it's not a long story. Some of us have a plane to catch, you know." He stared telling his story, about the treasure and his life and all, and I thought: "This story isn't too long." But then, he kept going, and I started thinking, "Uh-oh, this story is getting long." But then the story was over, and I said to myself: "You know, that story wasn't too long after all." I forget what the story was about, but there was a good movie on the plane. It was a little long, though.

A guy goes to see the doctor...

A guy goes to see the doctor, because he's a little too well-endowed. In fact, it's 25 inches long and he can't get any women to have sex with him.
Anyway, the doctor says there's nothing he can do medically, but recommends a witch doctor that he thinks might be able to help.
The witch doctor takes a look at the problem and tells him to go to a particular pond, deep in the forest, and talk to a frog that lives there. "Ask the frog to marry you and each time the frog says no, you'll be 5 inches shorter."
Worth a try, he thinks, and off he dashes into the forest. He finds the pond and sees the frog on the other side, sitting on a log. "Frog, will you marry me?"
The frog looks at him, disinterested at best, and calls back, "No."
The guy looks down and sure enough, he's 5 inches shorter. Hey, this is great he thinks -- let's try that again. "Will you marry me?"
The frog rolls his eyes, and shouts back again, "No!"
Zappo! -- the guy's down to 15 inches. Well, that's still a bit excessive, he thinks. Down another 5 would be perfect. So he calls across again, "Frog, will you marry me?"
The irritated frog yells back, "Look..how many times do I have to tell you? No, No, NO!"

Seeing-eye dog

There's a guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a guy with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to the guy with a Chihuahua, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat."

The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."

The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead." They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in.

A guy at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed."

The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

The guy at the door says, "A Doberman Pinscher?"

He says, "Yes, they're using them now, they're very good."

The guy at the door says, "Come on in."

The guy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in. The guy at the door says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."

The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

The guy at the door says, "A Chihuahua?"

The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?"

Two lawyers...

Two lawyers walking through the woods spotted a vicious-looking bear. The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulled out a pair of sneakers and started putting them on.

The second lawyer looked at him and said, "You're crazy! You'll never be able to outrun that bear!"

"I don't have to," the first lawyer replied. "I only have to outrun you."

 You Might Be A Redneck If 06

You might be a redneck if...
Your soap on a rope doubles as an air freshener.
Your wife's hairdo attracts bees.
Your baby's first words are "Attention K-Mart shoppers."
The antenna on your truck is a danger to low flying airplanes.
Your primary source of income is the pawn shop.
You pick your teeth from a catalog.
You've ever financed a tattoo.
You refer to the time you won a free case of oil as the "day my ship came in."
Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
Your mother has been involved in a fist fight at a high school sports event.

Spelling...

A kindergartner was practicing spelling with magnetic letters on the refrigerator: cat, dog, dad, and mom had been proudly displayed for all to see.

One morning while getting ready for the day, he bounded into the room with his arms outstretched. In his hands were three magnetic letters: G-O-D.

"Look what I spelled, Mom!" with a proud smile on his face.

"That's wonderful!" his mom praised him. "Now go put them on the fridge so Dad can see when he gets home tonight."

The mom happily thought that her son's Catholic education was certainly having an impact.

Just then, a little voice called from the kitchen: "Mom? How do you spell 'zilla'?"

A man takes his Rottweiler to...

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"My dog is cross-eyed," the man says. "Is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him."
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes and ears and then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What?" The man was astonished. "Why? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No," said the vet, "because he's really heavy!"