Animal jokes (1831 to 1845)Jokes about animals. These are the jokes listed 1831 to 1845. |
Little Johnny In Class
A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with her fourth grade class because she realizes Little Johnny's propensity for sexual innuendo. But Johnny remains attentive throughout the entire lecture.Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for examples of sex education from the class.One little boy raises his hand, 'I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs.''Very good, William,' cooed the teacher.'My mommy had a baby,' said little Esther. 'Oh, that's nice,' replied the teacher.Finally, little Johnny raises his hand. With much fear and trepidation, the teacher calls on him.'I was watchin' TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Indians. And they all attacked at one time. And he killed every one of them with his two guns.'The teacher was relieved but puzzled, 'And what does that have to do with sex education, Johnny?''It'll teach those Indians not to 'screw' with the Lone Ranger.'A man wakes up one morning to...
A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof.So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's anad for "Gorilla Removers."He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be overin 30 minutes.
The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got aladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull."What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going togo up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseballbat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab histesticles and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to puthim in the cage in the back of the van."
He hands the shotgun to the homeowner."What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog!"
TOP 10 SIGNS YOUR KID IS SPENDING WAY TOO MUCH TIME ON HIS COMPUTER
TOP 10 SIGNS YOUR KID IS SPENDING WAY TOO MUCH TIME ON HIS COMPUTERDavid Letterman, April 23, 199710. Named his hamsters 'I' 'B' 'M'
9. Every day after school, eats his weight in silicon chips 'n' salsa
8. He somehow uses morphing technology to make your cat look just like David Duchovny
7. He's been in bed all week with a computer virus
6. Refers to having sex as 'Logging On'
5. His name: Carl. His Nickname: 'Carpal Tunnel Carl'
4. During power outage, paced around house like a caffeinated squirrel
3. He calls you 'WWW.DADDY.COM'
2. Walls of his room covered with printouts of a naked Bill Gates
1. 2 Words: 'Cyber Acne'
A Guide To Walking Tigers
Tigers really are as big and poofy and soft as they look, and they purr like
a freight train going by. You find this out by taking one for a walk. To take
a tiger for a walk, you first need a tiger. Tigers fresh from the bush are not
recommended for the inexperienced. What you need is one who's used to the
procedure. He or she is thus liable to be merely playful, rather than actively
irritated. You also need a friend, whom you really, really trust.
The friend carries an apple wood cane; apple, or some other wood which will
bend under stress rather than shattering. This, friend, is your backup, and the
cane is his or her only tool for everything, from knocking stuff out of the way
that the tiger is liable to eat, to crowd control, to hooking on and madly
hanging on if things go wrong.
What YOU carry is a ten foot length of pass-link chain. This is your leash.
Pass-link chain is the stuff where the links will fit through each other.
This is important. You need this so you can hook on a safety clip. The chain
is looped about the tiger's neck and acks as a giant choke-chain, but the clip
is there to keep a loop of some sort in case things go badly wrong. You carry
the chain looped in one hand in a peculiar fashion which permits the whole
length of chain to be dragged from your hand without taking your hand and/or arm
with it. You practice this beforehand till you're sure you've got it right.
Then you go into the cage with the tiger. Your friend does not. You gauge
the tiger's mood and put the leash on the tiger. There isn't a whole lot more
to say about this step except to say that that is why your friend is there,
OUTside the cage. On your side is the fact that the tiger knows what the leash
is for by this time and presumably is largely in favor of the idea.
This is where you find out that tigers are soft and poofy. They are also
much, much larger than you had ever dreamed, when you're standing next to one.
Then you take the tiger for a walk. Your friend walks in front with the cane
to clear the way. You walk with the tiger at your side, keeping pretty good
control and letting the tiger know that you are Paying Attention, because if the
tiger thinks you are not Paying Attention, it will do what housecats do, let you
know that you should be Paying Attention. Unlike housecats, the tiger is big
enough not to have to do anything truly outrageous to rectify the situation.
Reaching behind you with one forepaw and sweeping your legs out from under you
is generally considered good enough by most tigers. They think this is
hilarious. To this extent, tigers differ from housecats in that they seem to
have a sense of humor.
It is possible that the tiger will see something that it wants. In this case,
the tiger will go where it wants to go, and your job is to stop it. This is
generally done by wrapping the chain around something that you pass, as the
tiger drags you away. This will slow it down enough for your friend to jump on
top of you and grab the chain as you go bulleting across the countryside. The
weight of two adult humans will generally slow a tiger down enough to make
things manageable, whereas one will not.
It is not usual for the tiger to react to freedom by turning around and
turning you into fajitas, though this would actually (at least in the short
term) be an eminently practical thing for the tiger to do. They enjoy their fun
but are generally not ill-tempered. If they are they don't get taken for walks.
They also purr like a freight train passing. Experts in the field claim that
this is not purring, that it means something else, but you couldn't put it by
me. Sure sounded like purring, at 16-2/3 RPM, but it sounded like purring.
All in all, an experience I highly recommend as a lifetime source of cocktail
party conversation, but it sort of tends to leave you limp for the rest of the
day.
Escargot
A married couple were having a dinner party for some important guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any escargot for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails.
Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach.
He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me?" He went back to gathering the snails.
All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place. They ended up spending the night together. At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!"
He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment, but he was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails spilling them all down the stairs.
The door suddenly opens with a very angry wife standing in the doorway wondering where he's been all this time.
He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there!!"
An 18 year old Italian girl te
An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up telephone and makes a call.Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each... However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You're gonna try again."
Monkey blowjob
This is a secret that Joe once told me...
About a year ago Joe wanted to go to south California, and because of lack of means he decided to hitch hike. So, Joe is walking along side the road for about three hours and the sun is blazing down on him and he starts to think "why did I choose to do this, this sucks ass".
Just after that thought, a truck pulled up in front of him.
Joe ran up to the cab, popped open the door and said. "Hey, how far south you headed?"
The trucker answered, "Just about another five hundred miles, do you want to ride with me?"
Of course Joe was like hell yeah, so he hopped up in the cab. The trucker starts pulling back onto the road and Joe puts his seat belt on.
Then Joe notices this strange little monkey sitting on the seat between him and the driver. He thought it was a little strange for a trucker to have a pet monkey, but didn't question the trucker. About twenty miles down the road from where Joe was picked up the trucker finally started a conversation with him.
Trucker says, "Hey, you wanna see something cool?"
Joe replies, "yeah, sure".
SMACK!, the trucker wacked the monkey upside the head. The monkey jumped up, crawled on the truckers lap, unzipped his pants and starting sucking him off. The trucker got off and was done so the monkey sat back down between him and Joe.
The trucker turns to Joe, "Hey ya wanna give that a try?"
Joe replies, "Yeah, but you won't have to hit me as hard!"
Submitted by Admin
Edited by Calamjo
Only in America
Only in AmericaOnly in America do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in America do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
Only in America do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in America do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Only in America do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
A traveling salesman asked a f
A traveling salesman asked a farmer to spend the night. The farmer agreed, but told him he would have to sleep in the barn. The farmer, being a nice guy and knowing how horny traveling salesmen get told the man, "Look son, see that wall? It's got three holes in it. You can screw the first two but don't mess around with that third hole. Got it?" The salesman thanked him and bedded down on a pile of hay. About midnight he got real horny and decided to take a poke at the first hole. It was good but not really satisfying so he took a poke at the second hole. It was even better but he still wasn't satisfied so he thought about the third hole and reasoned to himself, "If that first hole was pretty good and the second hole was even better, I'll bet that third hole will really do the trick!" The next morning the farmer noticed the salesman was still sleeping so he went about his chores and late in the afternoon he finally saw the salesman wake up. "Damn, son! You been sleeping a long time! What happened?" "Well," the salesman replied. "I should have listened to you. I got horny last night and tried that first hole and it was pretty fair but not really satisfying so I tried the second hole. It was good but didn't do the job so I took on that third hole. Say, what's behind them holes anyway?" "Son, that first hole is my sheep, Dolly. The second hole is my mare, Sally, and that third hole is my milking machine and that thing don't quit till it gets a quart!"A Rabbi is walking slowly down
A Rabbi is walking slowly down the street when a gust of wind blows his hat from his head. The hat is being blown down the street, but he is an old man, using a cane, and can't walk fast enough to catch the hat. Across the street a young man sees what has happened and rushes over to grab the hat and then returns it to the Rabbi."I don't think I would have been able to catch my hat," said the Rabbi. "Thank you very much." The Rabbi then places his hand on the man's shoulder and says, "May God bless you."
The young man thinks to himself, "I've been blessed by the Rabbi. This must be my lucky day!" So he goes to the Racetrack and in the first race he sees there is a horse named Stetson at 20 to 1. He bets $50 and sure enough the horse comes in first.
In the second race he sees a horse named Fedora at 30 to 1, so he bets it all and this horse comes in first also. Finally at the end of the day he returns home to his wife. When she asks him where he's been, he explains how he caught the Rabbi's hat and was blessed by him and then went to the track and started winning on horses that had a hat in their names.
"So where's the money?" she asks.
"I lost it all in the ninth race. I bet on a horse named Chateau and it lost."
"You fool, Chateau is a house, Chapeau is a hat!"
"It doesn't matter," he said, "the winner was some Japanese horse named Yarmulke."
I've never understood why wom
I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep.In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.
Caught By Alligators
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.
Inverness, FL
A 71-yearl-old man fell off a dock and into the jaws of an alligator but said his knowledge of reptiles, gained from watching wildlife programs on television, helped him escape.
"I wasn't a bit afraid. I knew what they usually do," said George Blinn, who got away from the 7-foot gator by jabbing his thumb in its eye.
Blinn said he has long been a fan of such programs as Wild Kingdom and knew about alligators' general behavior.
He got the chance to use that knowledge when he fell into the canal behind his house. Blinn said the alligator bit him on the left hand and then flopped him over in the water three times before Blinn escaped.
