Animal jokes (2206 to 2220)Jokes about animals. These are the jokes listed 2206 to 2220. |
MONDAY: It's fun to cook for...
MONDAY: It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.TUESDAY: Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper.
WEDNESDAY: A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it improved the rice any.
THURSDAY: Today Tom asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients, lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Tom asked me why I was rolling around in the garden.
FRIDAY: I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.
SATURDAY: Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy).For some reason Tom keeps counting to ten.
SUNDAY: Tom's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.
GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Tom. If I can talk Tom into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with chocolate moose.
Lose Weight Fast!
There one was a heavyset guy who had tried every diet in the
world in an attempt to lose weight? He tried the Scarsdale
diet, the Navy diet, Weight Watchers, and many more. None
worked. One day, he was reading the Washington Post when he
noticed a small ad that read:
Lose weight: Only $1.00 a pound
Call (202) 555-0238
The man decided to give it a try and called the number. A
voice on the other end asked, "How much weight do you want to
lose?"
The man responded, "Ten pounds."
The voice replied, "Very well, give me your credit card
number and we'll have a representative over to your house in
the morning."
About 9:00 am the next morning the man gets a knock on the
door. There stood a beautiful redhead, completely naked
except for a sign around her neck stating, "If you catch me,
you can have me."
Well,the hefty fellow chased her upstairs, downstairs, over
sofas, through the kitchen, all around the house. Finally,
panting and wheezing like a dog, he did catch her. When he
was through enjoying himself, she said, "Quick, go into the
bathroom and weigh yourself." He did just that and was amazed
to find that he had lost ten pounds, right to the ounce!
That evening he called the number again. The voice on the
other end asked, "How much weight do you want to lose?"--to
which the somewhat-less-overweight man replied, "Twenty
pounds." "Very well," the voice on the phone told him, "Give
me your credit card number and we'll have a representative
over to your house in the morning."
"At about 8:00 am the next morning the man receives a knock
on the door. When he opens the door he sees a beautiful
blonde dressed only in track shoes and a sign around her neck
stating, "If you catch me, you can have me." The chase took a
good while longer this time and the man nearly passed out,
but he finally did catch her. When he was through she told
him, "Quick, run into the bathroom and weigh yourself." He
ran to the bathroom and found he had lost another 20 pounds!
"This is fantastic!" he thought to himself.
Later that evening he called the number again and the voice
at the other end asked, "How much weight do you want to
lose?" "Fifty pounds!" the man exclaimed. "Fifty pounds?" the
voice asked, "That's an awful lot of weight to lose at one
time." The man replied, "Listen buddy, here's my credit card
number, you just have your representative over here in the
morning!" and he hung up the phone.
About 6:00 am the next morning the man gets out of bed,
splashes on some cologne and gets all ready for the next
representative. At about 7:00 am he gets a knock on the door.
When he opens the door, he sees this large gorilla with a
sign around his neck stating, "If I catch you, I am going to
have you."
Irish Laughs
Casey married a rich widow, but they didn't get along. One day she said to him, "If it wasn't for my money, that new television wouldn't be here. If it wasn't for my money, that grand piano wouldn't be here. If it wasn't for my money, this house wouldn't be here."
Casey mumbled, "If it wasn't for your money, I wouldn't be here."
Mrs. Dugan and Mrs. Riley were talking one day about Mr. Riley and his constant drinking. Mrs. Dugan said, "I have an idea about how to stop him from spending so much time at the pub. Every night he comes home through the cemetery. One night you should get disguised and spook him when he comes staggering through."
So Mrs. Riley waited in the cemetery one night until she heard her husband coming. She jumped up and a startled Riley said, "Who are you??"
Mrs. Riley replied, "I am the devil!"
With that, Riley shook her hand and said, "Glad to meet ya, I'm married to your sister."
An Irish couple, whose married bliss was not without a few "squalls" received a humble lecture from their priest regarding their disgraceful quarrels.
"Why, that dog and cat you have agree better than you."
"If yer reverence'll tie them together, ye'll soon change yer mind."
5 Stages of Being Drunk
Stage 1 - SMART
This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe.
You know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen.
At this stage you are always RIGHT.
And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG.
This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.
Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING
This is when you realise that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you.
You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you.
Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.
Stage 3 - RICH
This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world.
You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armoured truck full of money parked behind the bar.
You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you will win all your bets.
It doesn't matter how much you bet 'cos you are RICH.
You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world.
Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF
You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing.
This is because nothing can hurt you.
At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money.
You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, you're BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!
Stage 5 - INVISIBLE
This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness.
At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you.
You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you.
You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still SMART you know allthe words.
There Was Just A Dog Fight
A man walks into a bar one day and asks, "Does anyone here own that rottweiler outside?" "Yeah, I do!" a biker says, standing up. "What about it?"
"Well, I think my chihuahua just killed him..."
"What are you talkin' about?!" the biker says, disbelievingly. "How could your little runt kill my rottweiler?"
"Well, it seems he got stuck in your dog's throat!"
A city slicker was driving thr...
A city slicker was driving through the country when he spotted a horse standing in a field. He was quite taken with the animal and so pulled over to ask the farmer if it was for sale. "Afraid not," said the farmer.
"I'll give you a thousand pounds!" said the city fella.
"I can't sell you that horse. He don't look too good," replied the farmer.
"I know horses, and he looks fine. I'll give you two thousand!"
"Well, all right, if you want him so bad."
The next day, the man returned the horse, screaming that he had been conned. "You sold me a blind horse!"
"Well," said the farmer, "I told you he didn't look too good."
Why Men Live So Long
God created the mule, and told him, "You are mule. You will
work constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on
your back. You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will
live for 35 years."
The mule answered, "To live like this for 35 years is too
much. Please, give me no more than 20."
And it was so.
Then God created the dog, and told him, "You are dog. You
will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to
whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his
table scraps and live for 30 years."
The dog responded, "Lord, to live 30 years as a dog like
that is too much. Please, no more than 10 years."
And it was so.
God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are monkey.
You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You
will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years."
The monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown
of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no than 10
years."
And it was so.
Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the
only rational Being that walks the earth. You will
use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of
the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20
years."
The man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too
little. Please, Lord; give me the 15 years the mule refused,
the 20 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey
rejected."
And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry
and live 15 years like a mule working and carrying heavy
loads on his back. Then, he is to have
children and live 20 years as a dog, guarding his house and
eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry;
then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting
like an idiot to amuse his grandchildren.
And it is so...
This guy pulls into a crowded
This guy pulls into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows to make sure his dog had fresh air. The dog was stretched out in the back seat, and the guy wanted to impress upon he that he must remain there. The guy walked to the curb backward, pointing his finger at the car and saying emphatically, “Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay!” The driver of a nearby car gave the guy a startled look “I don’t know about you, man,” he said incredulously. “But I usually just put my car in park.”TEACHER: To get to the other s
TEACHER: To get to the other side.PLATO: For the greater good.
ARISTOTLE: It is in the nature of chickens to cross roads.
KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.
ANDERSEN CONSULTING: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking it's physical distribution strategy and implementation process. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use it's skills, methodologies, knowledge capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of it's overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Andersen consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve theimplicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solutionparadigm.
TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take.
SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we werequite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
RONALD REAGAN: I forget.
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken 'crossed' the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
MOSES (Monty Python style): And God came down from the Heavens, and he said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, ...and there was much rejoicing.
FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road for you to believe it?
RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken DID NOT cross the road.
MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.
JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross the road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was the chicken doing wandering around all over the place anyway?"
FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2010 (with integrated Internet Seed Explorer), which will not only cross roads, butwill lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.
OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who is crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"
DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are genetically disposed to cross roads.
EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
BUDDHA: Asking the question denies your own chicken nature.
RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road...it transcended it.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain
Cork Screw
Gary and Martin were standing at the urinals in a public lavatory, when Gary glanced over and noticed that Martin's penis was twisted like a corkscrew. "Wow," Gary said. "I've never seen one like that before."
"Like what?" Martin said.
"All twisted like a pig's tail," Gary said.
"Well, what's yours like?" Martin said.
"Straight, like normal," Gary said.
"I thought mine was normal until I saw yours," Martin said.
Gary finished what he was doing and started to give his old boy a shakedown prior to putting it back in his pants. "What did you do that for?" Martin said.
"Shaking off the excess drops," Gary said. "Like normal."
"&%$#@ !," Martin said. "And all these years I've been wringing it."
Try To Grow Chickens
A New York City yuppie moved to the country and bought a piece of land. He went to the local feed and livestock store and talked to the proprietor about how he was going to take up chicken farming. He then asked to buy 100 chicks.
"That's a lot of chicks," commented the proprietor. "I mean business," the city slicker replied.
A week later the yuppie was back again. "I need another 100 chicks," he said. "Boy, you are serious about this chicken farming," the man told him.
"Yeah," the yuppie replied. "If I can iron out a few problems." "Problems?" asked the proprietor. "Yeah," replied the yuppie, "I think I planted that last batch too close together."
Chicken Jokes 04
Q: Which day of the week do chickens hate most?
A: Fry-day!
Q: What happens when you drop a hand gren-egg?
A: It eggs-plodes!
Q: Why did the chick disappoint his mother?
A: He wasn't what he was cracked up to be!
Q: Is chicken soup good for your health?
A: Not if you're the chicken!
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get to the other side!
Q: What did one chicken say to the other after they walked through poison ivy?
A: "You scratch my beak and I'll scratch yours!"
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road, roll in the mud and cross the road again?
A: Because he was a dirty double-crosser!
Q: Why didn't the chicken skeleton cross the road?
A: Because he didn't have enough guts!
Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground?
A: To get to the other slide!
