Animal jokes (2806 to 2820)Jokes about animals. These are the jokes listed 2806 to 2820. |
Two old men were sitting in ...
Two old men were sitting in the garden of their nursing home when a seagull flying overhead pooped on the bald head of one of the men.The nurse who was in attendance said urgently, "Don't worry, I'll run and fetch some toilet paper."
As she hurried off, one old man turned to the other: "Is she crazy or what? By the time she gets back with the toilet paper, that bird will be miles away!"
#joke #animal #bird
Actual Lines from Resume
I am very detail-oreinted.
My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable.
Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!
Enclosed is a ruff draft of my resume.
I am sicking and entry-level position.
It's best for employers that I not work with people.
Here are my qualifications for you to overlook.
I am a quick leaner, dependable, and motivated.
If this resume doesn't blow your hat off, then please return it in the enclosed envelope.
My fortune cookie said, "Your next interview will result in a job." And I like your company in particular.
You hold in your hands the resume of a truly outstanding candidate!
I saw your ad on the information highway, and I came to a screeching halt.
Insufficient writing skills, thought processes have slowed down some. If I am not one of the best, I will look for another opportunity.
Please disregard the attached resume—it is terribly out of date.
Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually inseparable.
Reason for leaving last job: The owner gave new meaning to the word paranoia. I prefer to elaborate privately.
Previous experience: Self-employed--a fiasco.
Exposure to German for two years, but many words are inappropriate for business.
My experience in horticulture is well-rooted.
Experience: Watered, groomed, and fed the family dog for years.
I am a rabid typist.
Education: College, August 1880 - May 1984.
I have a bachelorette degree in computers.
Excellent memory; strong math aptitude; excellent memory; effective management skills; and very good at math.
Graduated in the top 66% of my class.
Accomplishments: Completed 11 years of high school.
Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer.
Special skills: Experienced with numerous office machines and can make great lattes.
I worked as a Corporate Lesion.
Special Skills: Speak English.
Served as assistant sore manager.
Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice president's girlfriend could steal my job.
Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel.
Education: B.A. in Loberal Arts.
Objective: To have my skills and ethics challenged on a daily basis
The guys were all at a deer ca
The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly.They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with himthe whole time, so they voted to take turns. The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the nextmorning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.They said, 'Man, what happened to you?He said, 'Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched himall night. '
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing - hair allstanding up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, 'Man, what happened to you? You look awful!'
He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roofwith his snoring. I watched him all night .'
The third night was Pete's turn. Pete was a big burlyex-Navy man; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushytailed. ' Good morning,' he said.
They couldn't believe it!They said, 'Man, what happened?'
He said, 'Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bobinto bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night.Bob sat up and watched me all night.'
On a hot, dusty day a cowboy r
On a hot, dusty day a cowboy rode into a small frontier town. Afterdismounting, he walked behind his horse, lifted it's tail and kissed it wherethe sun don't shine. An old man rocking by the general store witnessed thewhole thing."Whudd'ya do that fer?" he asked.
"Got chapped lips," the cowboy replied.
The old man asked, "Does that help?"
The cowboy said, "Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' 'em."
A Burglar Is In Big Trouble
A burglar has just made it into the house he's intending ransacking, and he's looking around for stuff to steal. All of a sudden, a little voice pipes up, "I can see you, and so can Jesus!"
Startled, the burglar looks around the room. No one there at all, so he goes back to his business.
"I can see you, and so can Jesus!"
The burglar jumps again, and takes a longer look around the room. Over in the corner by the window, almost obscured by curtains, is a cage in which sits a parrot, who pipes up again, "I can see you, and so can Jesus!"
"So what," says the burglar, "you're only a parrot!"
To which the parrot replies, "Maybe, but Jesus is a rottweiler!"
#joke #animal #parrot
Thanksgiving Trio
Three Thanksgiving Jokes:- Last Thanksgiving, I had my chance to do the traditional thing of shooting my own turkey. Man, you should have seen the people scatter in the meat department.
- When everyone at the table takes turns saying what they are thankful for, say, “I'm thankful I didn't get caught,” and refuse to say anything more.
- Keep your eye off the turkey dressing. It makes him blush!
Dihydrogen Monoxide
BAN DIHYDROGEN MONOXIDE! THE INVISIBLE KILLER
Dihydrogen monoxide is colorless, odorless, tasteless, and kills uncounted thousands of people every year. Most of these deaths are caused by accidental inhalation of DHMO, but the dangers of dihydrogen monoxide do not end there. Prolonged exposure to its solid form causes severe tissue damage. Symptoms of DHMO ingestion can include excessive sweating and urination, and possibly a bloated feeling, nausea, vomiting and body electrolyte imbalance. For those who have become dependent, DHMO withdrawal means death.
Dihydrogen monoxide:
* is also known as hydric acid, and is the major component of acid rain.
* contributes to the "greenhouse effect."
* may cause severe burns.
* contributes to the erosion of our natural landscape.
* accelerates corrosion and rusting of many metals.
* may cause electrical failures and decreased effectiveness of automobile brakes.
* has been found in excised tumors of terminal cancer patients.
CONTAMINATION IS REACHING EPIDEMIC PROPORTIONS!
Quantities of dihydrogen monoxide have been found in almost every stream, lake, and reservoir in America today. But the pollution is global, and the contaminant has even been found in Antarctic ice. In the midwest alone DHMO has caused millions of dollars of property damage.
Despite the danger, dihydrogen monoxide is often used:
* as an industrial solvent and coolant.
* in nuclear power plants.
* in the production of styrofoam.
* as a fire retardant.
* in many forms of cruel animal research.
* in the distribution of pesticides. Even after washing, produce remains contaminated by this chemical.
* as an additive in "junk-foods" and other food products.
Companies dump waste DHMO into rivers and the ocean, and nothing can be done to stop them because this practice is still legal. The impact on wildlife is extreme, and we cannot afford to ignore it any longer!
THE HORROR MUST BE STOPPED!
The American government has refused to ban the production, distribution, or use of this damaging chemical due to its "importance to the economic health of this nation." In fact, the navy and other military organizations are conducting experiments with DHMO, and designing multi-billion dollar devices to control and utilize it during warfare situations. Hundreds of military research facilities receive tons of it through a highly sophisticated underground distribution network. Many store large quantities for later use.
IT'S NOT TOO LATE!
Act NOW to prevent further contamination. Find out more about this dangerous chemical. What you don't know CAN hurt you and others throughout the world.
Bee in band class...
The summer band class was just getting under way when a large insect flew into the room. The Sixth Graders, eager to play their shiny new instruments, tried to ignore the buzzing intruder, but eventually one student, Tommy, could stand it no longer. He rolled up his music book and swatted the insect, then he stomped on it to ensure its demise.
"Is it a bee?" another student asked.
"Nope," Tommy replied. "Bee flat."
#joke #animal #bee
Jokes Of Science 03
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip? To get to the same side.
Why did the chicken cross the road? Issac Newton: Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest, chickens in motion tend to cross roads.
A neutron walks into a bar; he asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender looks at him, and says "For you, no charge."
Two fermions walk into a bar. One orders a drink. The other says "I'll have what he's having."
Two atoms bump into each other. One says "I think I lost an electron!" The other asks, "Are you sure?", to which the first replies, "I'm positive."
Renee Descartes walks into a bar, the bartender says "sir can I get you a martini "Descartes says "I don't think..." and he disappears
Where does bad light end up? Answer: In a prism!
Heisenberg is out for a drive when he's stopped by a traffic cop. The cop says "Do you know how fast you were going?" Heisenberg says "No, but I know where I am."
The Lawman
A young Texan grew up wanting to be a lawman. He grew up big, 6' 2", strong as a longhorn, and fast as a mustang. He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at 40 paces.When he finally came of age, he applied to where he had only dreamed of working: the West Texas Sheriff's Department.
After a series of tests and interviews, the Chief Deputy finally called him into his office for the young man's last interview.
The Chief Deputy said, "You're a big strong kid and you can really shoot. So far your qualifications all look good, but we have, what you might call, an "Attitude Suitability Test", that you must take before you can be accepted.
We just don't let anyone carry our badge, son."
Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the Chief said, "Take this pistol and go out and shoot: six illegal aliens, six lawyers, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, six Democrats, and a rabbit."
"Why the rabbit?" queried the applicant.
"You pass," said the Chief Deputy. "When can you start?"
Who Wants to be a Millionaire
A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire" had reached the final plateau.If she answered the next question correctly, she would win$1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $32,000 milestone money.As she suspected it would be, the million- dollar question was no pushover. It was: Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is itA) the condor;
B) the buzzard;
C) the cuckoo; or
D) the vulture?"
The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline, and the woman had hoped against hope that she would not have to use it because the only friend that she knew would be home happened to be a blonde. But the contestant had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices.
The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy. The answer is C: The cuckoo."
The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a blonde, it would seem to be the logicalthing to do. On the other hand -- the blonde had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded. "I need an answer," said Regis. Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The cuckoo."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Regis. "Yes, that is my final answer."
Two seconds later, Regis said, "I regret to inform you that the answer is-...... absolutely correct.You are now a millionaire!"
Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars. "Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant. "Because of your knowing the answer to that final question, I am now a millionaire.And do you want to know something? It was your assuredness with which you answered the question that convinced me to go with your choice. By the way......how did you happen to know the right answer?"
"Oh, come on!" said the blonde. "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks."
An Old Occupation
What happens when people of different occupations get old.
- Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.
- Old actors never die, they just drop apart.
- Old archers never die, they just bow and quiver.
- Old architects never die, they just lose their structures.
- Old bankers never die, they just lose interest.
- Old basketball players never die, they just go on dribbling.
- Old beekeepers never die, they just buzz off.
- Old bookkeepers never die, they just lose their figures.
- Old bosses never die, much as you want them to.
- Old cashiers never die, they just check out.
- Old chauffeurs never die, they just lose their drive.
- Old chemists never die, they just fail to react.
- Old cleaning people never die, they just kick the bucket.
- Old cooks never die, they just get deranged.
- Old daredevils never die, they just get discouraged.
- Old deans never die, they just lose their faculties.
- Old doctors never die, they just lose their patience.
- Old electricians never die, they just lose contact.
- Old farmers never die, they just go to seed.
- Old garagemen never die, they just retire.
- Old hackers never die, they just go to bits.
- Old hardware engineers never die, they just cache in their chips.
- Old hippies never die, they just smell that way.
- Old horticulturists never die, they just go to pot.
- Old hypochondriacs never die, they just lose their grippe.
- Old investors never die, they just roll over.
- Old journalists never die, they just get de-pressed.
- Old knights in chain mail never die, they just shuffle off their metal coils.
- Old laser physicists never die, they just become incoherent.
- Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.
- Old limbo dancers never die, they just go under.
- Old mathematicians never die, they just disintegrate.
- Old milkmaids never die, they just lose their whey.
- Old ministers never die, they just get put out to pastor...
- Old musicians never die, they just get played out.
- Old number theorists never die, they just get past their prime.
- Old numerical analysts never die, they just get disarrayed.
- Old owls never die, they just don't give a hoot.
- Old pacifists never die, they just go to peaces.
- Old perfessers never die, they just lose their class.
- Old photographers never die, they just stop developing.
- Old pilots never die, they just go to a higher plane.
- Old policemen never die, they just cop out.
- Old preachers never die, they just ramble on, and on, and on, and on....
- Old printers never die, they're just not the type.
- Old programmers never die, they just branch to a new address.
- Old programming wizards never die, they just recurse.
- Old quarterbacks never die, they just pass away.
- Old schools never die, they just lose their principals.
- Old sculptors never die, they just lose their marbles.
- Old seers never die, they just lose their vision.
- Old sewage workers never die, they just waste away.
- Old skateboarders never die, they just lose their bearings.
- Old sailors never die, they just get a little dingy.
- Old Soldiers never die. Young ones do.
- Old steelmakers never die, they just lose their temper.
- Old students never die, they just get degraded.
- Old tanners never die, they just go into hiding.
- Old typists never die, they just lose their justification.
- Walt Disney didn't die. He's in suspended animation.
- Old white water rafters never die, they just get disgorged.
- Old wrestlers never die, they just lose their grip.
