Animal jokes (3286 to 3300)Jokes about animals. These are the jokes listed 3286 to 3300. |
Questions to ponder....
If Con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Is a castrated pig disgruntled?
Why are hemorrhoids called 'hemorrhoids' instead of 'asteroids'?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn't everyone just move 10 miles away?
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
Why is abbreviation such a long word?
Since light travels faster than sound, is that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
Can you imagine a world with no hypothetical situations?
Where are the monkeys?
The young lady strolled thru the National Zoo and finally paused in front of the monkey island. Mystified as to the whereabouts of the animals, she queried the keeper, "Where are all of the monkeys ?"
"They're all back in the cave Miss." he responded, "It's right in the midst of the mating season."
"I see." she replied, "Do you think they'd come out if I offered them some of these peanuts ?"
Smiling the keeper responding, "Well, I can't rightly say as I know Miss. Would *YOU*?"
Superbowl Ads
A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl.
As he sat down, he noticed that the seat next to him was empty.
He asked the man on the other side of the empty seat whether anyone was sitting there.
"No," the man replied, "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible," said the first man.
"Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world and not use it?"
The second man replied, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away.
This will be the first Super bowl we haven't been together since we got married in 1967."
"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else -- a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"
The man shook his head. "No, they're all at the funeral."
Donkeys at Christmas
What do donkeys send out near Christmas?
Mule-tide greetings.
Seal at the mechanic
A penguin takes his car to the shop to have it fixed. While he's waiting, he goes into a cool ice cream shop and eats ice cream. Having flippers instead hands, he gets the ice cream all over himself. He's goes back to the auto shop and asks the mechanic what was wrong with his car.
"Well," says the mechanic, "it looks like you blew a seal."
The penguin replies, "It's just ice cream, I swear!!"
Deep Thoughts 17
Instead of having 'answers' on a math test, they should just call them 'impressions' and it you got a different 'impression' so what, can't we all be brothers?
Probably to a shark about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because where does he think he's going?!
Perhaps, if I am very lucky, the feeble efforts of my lifetime will someday be noticed, and maybe, in some small way, they will be acknowledged as the greatest works of genius ever created by Man.
It's sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as a pack of wild dogs.
If they ever come up with a swashbuckling School, I think one of the courses should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something.
When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil.
At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But then I thought, if a patient said, "How's my back tooth?" and you just looked at it with your X-ray vision and said, "Oh it's okay," then the patient would probably say, "Aren't you going to take an X-ray, stupid?" and you'd say, "I did," and then he probably wouldn't even pay his bill.
If you ever go temporarily insane, don't shoot somebody, like a lot of people do. Instead, try to get some weeding done, because you'd really be surprised.
Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably be able to get a lot of free games.
Seeing-eye dog
There's a guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a guy with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to the guy with a Chihuahua, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."
The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead." They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in.
A guy at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed."
The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The guy at the door says, "A Doberman Pinscher?"
He says, "Yes, they're using them now, they're very good."
The guy at the door says, "Come on in."
The guy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in. The guy at the door says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The guy at the door says, "A Chihuahua?"
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?"
Lawyers Dog
A doctor, a lawyer, and an architect were arguing about who had the smartest dog. They decided to settle the issue by getting all the dogs together and seeing whose could perform the most impressive feat."Okay, Rover," ordered the architect, and Rover trotted over to a table and in four minutes constructed a complete scale model of a Cathedral out of toothpicks. The architect slipped Rover a cookie, and everyone agreed that it was a pretty impressive performance.
"Hit it, Spot," commanded the doctor. Spot lost no time in performing an emergency Caesarean on a cow. Three minutes later the proud mother of a healthy little heifer was all sewed up and doing fine. Not bad, conceded the onlookers, and Spot got a cookie from the doctor.
"Your turn, Fella," said the lawyer. Over went Fella, screwed the other two dogs, took their cookies, and went out to lunch.
Knock Knock Collection 003
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Adlai!
Adlai who?
Adlai a bet on that!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Adolf!
Adolf who?
Adolf ball hit me in the mouth!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Aesop!
Aesop who?
Aesop I saw a puddy cat!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Agatha!
Agatha who?
Agatha headache. Do you have an aspirin?
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Agnes!
Agnes who?
Agnes & Topeka & the Santa Fe!
