Animal jokes (3616 to 3630)Jokes about animals. These are the jokes listed 3616 to 3630. |
Sarcastic Remarks For Work
And your crybaby whinny opinion would be...?
This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cats.
Does your train of thought have a caboose?
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
A PBS mind in an MTV world.
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
A woman's favorite position is CEO.
I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
Can I trade this job for what's behind door number 1?
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.
Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
I plead contemporary insanity.
How do I set a laser printer to stun?
Meandering to a different drummer.
I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?
Two vampire bats...
Two vampire bats are hanging upside down in a cave. One of the bats feels rather hungry. "Let's go and find some blood", he suggests.
"I don't think you can get any blood this time of the day", says the other bat. "Well, I want some blood and I want it now!", says the first bat and prepares to take off. "Are you coming or what?"
"Don't be stupid, you'll just waste your time", says the second bat. So the first bat flies anyway. After a few minutes he is back with blood smeared all over his face.
"Where did you manage to find blood this time of the day?", asks the second bat. "Well, do you see that tree out there?", says the first bat and points at a tree outside the cave, "Do you see that tree?"
"Yes", says the second bat, "of course I see it".
"Well, I didn't", replies the first.
Christmas Cop
On Christmas morning, a cop on horseback sits at a traffic light next to a kid on a shiny new bike.
The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
The kid says, "Yeah."
The cop says, "Well, next year, tell Santa to put a tail light on that bike."
The cop then issues the kid a $20 bicycle safety violation ticket.
The kid takes the ticket and says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."
The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the d**k underneath the horse, instead of on top."
The frog story
....I took the day off work and decided to go out golfing. I was on the second hole when I noticed a frog sitting next to the green. I thought nothing of it and was about to shoot when I heard, "Ribbit 9 Iron." I looked around and did not see anyone.
Again, I hear, "Ribbit 9 Iron." I looked at the frog and decided to prove the frog wrong, put my club away, and grabed a 9 iron. Boom! I hit it 10 inches from the cup! I was shocked and said to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog replied, "Ribbit Lucky frog." I decided to take the frog with me to the next hole. "What do you think frog?," I asked "Ribbit 3 wood." I took out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one! I was befuddled and did not know what to say!
By the end of the day, the I had golfed the best game of my like and asked the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog replied, "Ribbit Las Vegas." We went to Las Vegas and I said, "OK frog, now what?" The frog said, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, I asked the frog "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replied, "Ribbit $3000, black 6."
Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, I figure what the heck...Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. I took my winnings and got the best room in the hotel.
I sat the frog down and said, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."
The frog replied, "Ribbit Kiss Me." I figure why not, since the frog had done so much for me, he deserves it. With a kiss, that frog turned into a gorgeous 18 year old woman.
"And that, your honor, is how the woman ended up in my room, so help me God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."
Hot Dog!
Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs.
"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart.
"Two dogs, please," says one. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.'
The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"
Who Says Men Arn't Sensitive
A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They go back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears. Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor. Cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher. Huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by this evidence of his sensitive side!
She turns to him, invitingly... they kiss...and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love. After she has this intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, and they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it for you?"
The guy yawns: "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."
Three men...A chicken and a cow...
There were three men traveling together, a priest, a farmer and a lawyer. It was starting to get late and they needed to find a place to sleep. They came across this farm and they asked the farmer there if they could spend the night. He said, "thats fine but my guest room is only big enough for two people, one of you will have to sleep in the barn."
The priest said, "I don't mind sleeping with God's creatures, I will take the barn."
So they all agreed and went to their rooms.
About an hour later there was a knock at the guest room door and there stood the priest. "There is a chicken in there that won't stop clucking! I'm sorry but I'm going to have to sleep in the guest room."
"That's ok," said the farmer, "I'll sleep in the barn, after all, I'm used to it."
So they all agreed and traded places. About an hour later there was a knock at the guest room door and there stood the farmer. "I can't stand the odor from that cow in there any more. I'm sorry but I'm going to have to sleep in the guest room."
"Well, I guess that leaves me," said the lawyer.
So he went to sleep in the barn. About an hour later there is a knock at the guest room door and there stands the chicken and the cow.
The Magical Frog
John went to the doctor one day. " Dr. I don't know what to do. The women are scared of me. My penis is too long. What can I do?" The doctor meassured it and it was 24 inches long. "Well, you have 2 choices. One, you can have it surgically downsized. Or two, you can go ask a certain frog to marry you." The man instantly said, "I'm not asking a frog to marry me!" "It's okay, he will say no. But it's alot easier than cutting it."So the doctor gave him directions, and he drove to the pond. He saw the frog, and said, "Frog!" The frog said, "what?" John asked, "will you marry me?" The frog said, "no." His penis shrunk 6 inches. He noticed this, and decided that 2 more times would be good. He asked again, and again it shrunk 6 more inches. Then he asked a 3rd time. "Frog!" The frog turned, and disgustedly asked, "what do you want?!" John said, "will you marry me?" The frog said, "NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!"
The Snail
A man was sitting in his house when he heard a tapping on the door. He went to see who it was. He opened the door and looked around he then heard a tiny voice, "Hey mister, could you lend me 10 bucks?"
The man looked down and saw a snail sitting on his porch. He said, "What do you want?"
The snail said, "Could you lend me 10 bucks?"
The man yelled, "get out of here!" and then kicked him off the porch.
About a year later the man hears a tapping on his door again. He goes out to see who it is. He looks around and he finally heard a tiny voice say, "What did you do that for?"
Animal jokes-Three baby unicorns
There was mother unicorn and she had 3 baby unicorns. The first baby unicorn came and said "Mommy, why did you name me Daisy?"The mother replied "Because the day you were born, a daisy fell right on your forehead."
She said "Ah that's sweet."
She kissed her on the cheek and left. The next baby unicorn comes in and she said "Mommy, why did you name Rose?"
The mother replied "Because the day you were born, a rose fell right on your forehead."
She said "Ah thats sweet." She kissed her on the forehead and walked away.
Then the third baby unicorn comes in and she was like "DERREDUBUDUBJEHDK" and the mom said "SHUT UP CINDERBLOCK!"
Relatives....
A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the husband replied, "In-laws."
Groups of Americans were trave...
Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus throughHolland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them
through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was
used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were
grazing. 'These' she explained, 'Are the older goats put out to pasture
when they no longer produce.' She then asked, 'What do you do in
America with your old goats?' A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send
us on bus tours!
Groups of Americans were trave...
Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus throughHolland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them
through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was
used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were
grazing. 'These' she explained, 'Are the older goats put out to pasture
when they no longer produce.' She then asked, 'What do you do in
America with your old goats?' A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send
us on bus tours!
Really funny jokes-Wiper blades
Unable to drive any further because of the ice building up on my front window I suddenly had a great idea. I stopped and began to overturn large rocks until I located two very lethargic hibernating rattle snakes. I grabbed them up, straightened them out flat and installed them on my blades and they worked just fine.
What! You've never heard of . . . wind chilled vipers?
