Animal jokes (4246 to 4260)Jokes about animals. These are the jokes listed 4246 to 4260. |
Chuck Norris once participated...
Chuck Norris once participated in the running of the bulls. He walked.Cat Jokes 03
Q: What looks like half a cat?
A: The other half!
Q: What was the name of the film about a killer lion that swam underwater?
A: 'Claws.'
Q: If a four-legged animal is a quadruped and a two-legged animal is a biped, What's a tiger?
A: A stri-ped!
Q: What do you get if you cross a tiger with a sheep?
A: A stripey sweater!
Q: How does a lion greet the other animals in the field?
A: 'Pleased to eat you.'!
Q: What do you get if you cross a tiger with a snowman?
A: Frostbite!
Q: What did the lions say to his cubs when he taught them to hunt?
A: 'Don't go over the road till you see the zebra crossing.'
Q: What is lion's favorite food?
A: Baked beings!
Nun Sees A Naked Man
A nun and a priest were traveling across the desert and realized halfway across that the camel they were using for transportation was about to die. They set up a make-shift camp, hoping someone would come to their rescue, but to no avail. Soon the camel died. After several days of not being rescued, they agreed that they were not going to be rescued. They prayed a lot (of course), and they discussed their predicament in great depth. Finally the priest said to the nun, "you know sister, I am about to die, and there's always been one thing I've wanted here on earth--to see a woman naked. Would you mind taking off your clothes so I can look at you?"
The nun thought about his request for several seconds and then agreed to take off her clothes. As she was doing so, she remarked, "well, Father, now that I think about it, I've never seen a man naked, either. Would you mind taking off your clothes, too?"
With little hesitation, the priest also stripped. Suddenly the nun exclaimed, "Father! What is that little thing hanging between your legs?"
The priest patiently answered, "That, my child, is a gift from God. If I put it in you, it creates a new life."
"Well," responded the nun, "forget about me. Stick it in the camel!"
What a talent....
A family was visiting an Indian reservation when they happened upon an old tribesman lying face down in the middle of the road with his ear pressed firmly against the blacktop.
The father of the family asked the old tribeman what he was doing. The tribesman began to speak..."woman, late thirties, three kids, one barking dog in late model, white, four-door station wagon, traveling at 65 m.p.h.
"That's amazing!" exclaimed the father. "You can tell all that just by listening to the ground?"
"No," said the old tribesman, weakly. "They just ran over me five minutes ago!"
A man moved to a mountain top ...
A man moved to a mountain top to get rid of the hustle and be alone. One day he heard a knock at the door and no one was there but then he looked down and there sat a snail and it said "it is quite cold out here can I come in?" the man shouted "NO why don’t you all understand I want to be alone!" and he kicked the snail down the mountain. One year later there was a knock at the door and no one was there and then he looked down and there again sat a snail and it said, "What did you do that for?"French fries
There was once a sheep farmer who had a French farmhand working with him to help castrate his sheep.As the farmer castrated the first sheep, the French farmhand took the parts and was about to throw them into the trash.
"No!" yelled the farmer, "Don't throw those away! My wife fries them up, and we eat them, they're delicious! They're called Sheep Fries!"
The farmhand saved the parts and took them to the farmer's wife who cooked them up for supper. This went on for three days....and each evening they had Sheep Fries for supper.
On the fourth night the farmer came in to the house for supper.
He asked his wife where the farmhand was, and she replied, "It's the strangest thing! When he came in and asked what was for supper, I told him French Fries, and he ran like hell!"
Submitted by Calamjo
EDited by Tanilazing
Bill Burr: Rednecks to Afghanistan
Rednecks are like Americas pit bulls. They should just sedate those people, drop em off in Afghanistan, just let them run wild. Just be like, Dude, just go do everything you ever dreamed of doing. Just go crazy. Have one of your friends play the banjo -- itll scare the hell out of them.
Little brother
A mother asked her small son what he would like for his birthday. “I'd like a little brother,” the boy said.
“Oh my, that's such a big wish,” said the mother. “Why do you want a little brother?”
“Well,” said the boy, “there's only so much I can blame on the dog.”
And God Created Dog and Cat
A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to 'Where do pets come from?'
Adam said, 'Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me every day. Now I do not see you any more. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me.'And God said 'No problem. I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself.'
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and it wagged its tail.
And Adam said, 'Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.'
And God said, 'No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him Dog.'
And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, 'Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well.'
And the Lord said, 'No problem. I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration.'
And God created Cat to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the Supreme Being. And Adam learned humility.
And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved. And Dog was happy.
And Cat didn't care one way or the other.
Dogs and Computers: Same or Different?
Favorite Food
Dogs: kibbles
Computers: bits
Method used to end undesirable behavior
Dogs: hit with rolled up newspaper
Computers: hit control-alt-delete
After destruction of personal property
D: dog not found
C: file not found
Favorite trick
D: roll over
C: play dead
Comic-page hero
D: Dogbert
C: Dilbert
Fun way to mess with their heads
D: peanut butter on roof of mouth
C: peanut butter in CD-ROM drive
Consequence of virus
D: replace valuable carpeting
C: replace valuable data
Widely ignored government mandate
D: leash law
C: Communications Decency Act
Waste disposal tool
D: pooper-scooper
C: uninstaller
Sensitive internal procedures
D: must be undertaken by fully qualified professional
C: may be undertaken by that guy at work who fixed one
kind of like this once
Method of marking territory
D: lifting leg
C: “Designed for Windows 95″
Unique behavior
D: lick and drag
C: click-and-drag
Inexplicable physical feature
D: dewclaw
C: scroll lock key
Estimated lifespan
D: 12 years
C: 12 months
Oklahoma Crazy Law
Ada
Clinton
Hawthahorne
Oklahoma City
Schulter
Tulsa
Wynona
Yukon
Occasionally, airline attendan...
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make their announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."
"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wings."
"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."
Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude, so I am going to switch off the seat belt sign. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land...it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry...Unfortunately, none of them is on this flight...!
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault.....it was the asphalt!"
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
Summer Olympics
Here are the top nine comments made by sports commentators at the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."
2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."
3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."
4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries,and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."
5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."
6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."
7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."
8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?"
Did You See That?
Two guys are out hunting deer. The first guy says, "Did you see that?"
"No," the second guy says.
"Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead," the first guy says.
"Oh," says the second guy.
A couple of minutes later, The first guy says, "Did you see that?"
"See what?" the second guy asks.
"Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill, over there."
"Oh."
A few minutes later the first guy says: "Did you see that?"
By now, the second guy is getting aggravated, so he says, "Yes, I did!"
And the first guy says: "Then why did you step in it?"
Chicken legs...
A man was driving along a freeway when he noticed a chicken running along side his car. He was amazed to see the chicken keeping up with him because he was doing 50 MPH.
He accelerated to 60 and the chicken stayed right next to him.
He sped up to 75 MPH and the chicken passed him up.
The man then noticed that the chicken had three legs, so he followed the chicken down a road and ended up at a farm.
The curious man got out of his car and noticed that all the chickens had three legs. He asked the farmer, "What's up with these chickens?"
The farmer explained, "Well, everybody likes chicken legs, so I bred a three-legged bird. I'm gonna be a millionaire."
"How do they tasted?" asked the man.
"Don't know," replied the farmer, "haven't caught one yet."
