Animal jokes (4726 to 4740)

New Gorilla in Bar

A black man enters a bar with his gorilla. He says to the bartender, "I would like a beer, and a gin and tonic for my girlfriend here."

The bartender looks at him like he's nuts and says, " I sorry but I don't serve Gorillas in this bar."

The man has an idea. He takes his girlfriend home and shaves her head, gives her a wig, dress, and makeup. Then he returns to the same bar. He places the same order and this time the bar tender gives it to them.

They go and sit in a corner while the bartender turns to his friend and says, "Damn! Did you ever notice how all the good looking Iraqi ladies that come in here, always seem to be with black men.

Hollywood Squares

These great questions and answers are from the days when theHollywood Squares game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.
Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!
(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A.. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at n*dist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the Army.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected..
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him...
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh

Things we would never know without going to the movies...

During all police investigations it will be
necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

All telephone numbers in America begin with
the digits 555.

Most dogs are immortal.

If being chased through town, you can usually
take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day
parade - at any time of the year.

All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets
which reach up to the armpit level on a woman
but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.

All grocery shopping bags contain at least one
stick of French Bread.

It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing
there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even
while scuba diving

The ventilation system of any building is the
perfect hiding place. No-one will ever think of
looking for you in there and you can travel to
any other part of the building you want without difficulty.

If you need to reload your gun, you will always
have more ammunition -even if you haven't
been carrying any before now.

You're very likely to survive any battle in any
war unless you make the mistake of showing
someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

Should you wish to pass yourself off as a
German officer, it will not be necessary to
speak the language. Even a bad German accent will do.

If your town is threatened by an imminent
natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first
concern will be the tourist trade or his
forthcoming art exhibition.

The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any
window in Paris.

A man will show no pain while taking the most
ferocious beating but will wince when a woman
tries to clean his wounds.

If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will
be thrown through it before long.

When paying for a taxi, don't look at your
wallet as you take out a bill just grab one at
random and hand it over. It will always be the
exact fare.

Interbreeding is genetically possible with any
creature from elsewhere in the universe.

Kitchens don't have light switches. When
entering a kitchen at night, you should open the
fridge door and use that light instead.

If staying in a haunted house, women should
investigate any strange noises in their most
revealing underwear.

Word processors never display a cursor on
screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.

Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and
waffles for their family every morning even
though their husband and children never have
time to eat it.

Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.

The Chief of Police will always suspend his star
detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job.

A single match will be sufficient to light up a
room the size of RFK Stadium.

Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

Although in the 20th century it is possible to
fire weapons at an object out of our visual
range, people of the 23rd century will have lost
this technology.

Any person waking from a nightmare will sit
bolt upright and pant.

It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye
when beginning or ending phone conversations.

Even when driving down a perfectly straight
road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel
vigorously from left to right every few moments.

All bombs are fitted with electronic timing
devices with large red readouts so you know
exactly when they're going to go off.

It is always possible to park directly outside
any building you are visiting.

A detective can only solve a case once he has
been suspended from duty.

If you decide to start dancing in the street,
everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

Most laptop computers are powerful enough to
override the communication systems of any
invading alien civilization (especially a
Macintosh snicker, snicker!!)).

It d

5 Stages of Being Drunk

Stage 1 - SMART

This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe.

You know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen.

At this stage you are always RIGHT.

And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG.

This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.

Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING

This is when you realise that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you.

You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you.

Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.

Stage 3 - RICH

This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world.

You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armoured truck full of money parked behind the bar.

You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you will win all your bets.

It doesn't matter how much you bet 'cos you are RICH.

You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world.

Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF

You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing.

This is because nothing can hurt you.

At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money.

You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, you're BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!

Stage 5 - INVISIBLE

This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness.

At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you.

You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you.

You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still SMART you know allthe words.

The horse...

This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and swacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan.

He asks, 'What was that for?'

She replies, 'What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it?'

He says, 'Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on.'

She is appeased and goes off to work around the house.

Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan swatting. He says, 'What's that for this time?'

She answered, 'Your horse called.'

The proud papa...

An 80 year old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he's feeling.

"I've never been better," he replies. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant with my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But, one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So he's walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in some brush in front of him? He raises up his umbrella, points it at the beaver and squeezes the handle...

*BAM* The beaver drops dead in front of him."

"That's impossible!" said the old man in disbelief, "Someone else must have shot that beaver."

"EXACTLY!"

"Dick Cheney, I wouldn�...

"Dick Cheney, I wouldn't give this guy's troubles to a monkey on a rock. He gets his electric bill. He doesn't live in the White House. He lives next door in the junior White House. He gets his electric bill and it is $186,000. I am telling you he should have gotten the solar --powered pacemaker. You would have a big electric bill if you had to use those electric paddles eight times a day. On top of all that Cheney has laryngitis. He can't talk. Of course, that's from yelling all day: 'Quick, my heart pills, quick!'" -- David Letterman

Flattened your cat #jokes #humor

Seems a guy was driving for hours thu desolate country when he passed a farmhouse, and before he could react, a cat ran out in front of him and*splat*... he flattened the cat. Out of kindness and consideration, he stopped, turned around and drove back to the farmhouse to notify the occupants. When the housewife came to the door, said he, "Pardon memadame, but I just ran over a cat in front of your house, and assumed that it must belong to you. I know this might be hard to hear, but Iwanted to let you know instead of just driving off...."
"Not so fast", says she. "How do you know it was our cat? Could youdescribe him? What does he look like?"
The man promptly flopped down on the ground, and said "He looks like thts"as he gave his best shot at a dead cat impression.
"Oh no, you *horrible* man", she replied. "I meant, what did he look like*before* you hit him?"
At that, the man got up, covered his eyes with both hands and screamed"Agggghhhhhhhhhh !!!!!!"

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly Side of Life

1. Good: Your wife is pregnant. Bad: it's triplets. Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.
2. Good: Your wife's not talking to you. Bad: She wants a divorce. Ugly: She's a lawyer.
3. Good: Your youngest son is finally maturing. Bad: He's involved with the woman next door. Ugly: So are you.
4. Good: Your wife and you agree, no more kids. Bad: Your wife can't find her birth control pills. Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them.
5. Good: Your oldest son understands fashion. Bad: He's a cross-dresser. Ugly: He looks better than your wife.
6. Good: You give the 'birds and bees' talk to your 10 year old daughter. Bad: She keeps interrupting. Ugly: With corrections.
7. Good: Your son is dating someone new. Bad: It's another man. Ugly: He's your best friend.
8. Good: Your 15 year old daughter got a new job Bad: As a hooker. Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients. Very Ugly: She makes more money than you do.

Quiet

A father and son went hunting together for the first time. The father said "Stay here and be very quiet. I'll be across the field." A little while later the father heard a blood curdling scream and ran back to his son asking, "What's wrong? I told you to be quiet."

The son answered, "Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck. But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant legs and said 'Should we eat them here or take them with us?' I panicked..."

A man went to visit a friend a...

A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while. "I can hardly believe my eyes!" he exclaimed. "That's the smartest dog I've ever seen."

"Nah, he's not so smart," the friend replied. "I've beaten him three games out of five."

Safe to fish here? #jokes #humor

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,"Are there any gators around here?!"
"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"
"Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.
About halfway there he asked the guy,"How'd you get rid of the gators?"
"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said.
"The sharks got 'em."

Chinese Dinner

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the 'Chicken Surprise', the waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.
'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order?'
The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise.'
'Ah! So sorry,' says the waiter, 'I bring you Peeking Duck

Blind Pilot #jokes #humor

I was flying from San Francisco to Los Angeles. By the time we took off, there had been a 45-minute delay and everybody on board was ticked. Unexpectedly, we stopped in Sacramento on the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be another 45-minute delay, and if we wanted to get off the aircraft, we would reboard in thirty minutes.
Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. I noticed him as I walked by and could tell he had flown before because his seeing eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. I could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him and, calling him by name, said, "Keith, we're in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?"
Keith replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs. Would you take him for me please?"
Now picture this. All the people in the gate area came to a completely quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a seeing eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses that day. People scattered not only trying to change planes but also trying to change airlines!

Fun With Words

* If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
* If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?
* "When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
* Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
* Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
* If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
* Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
* Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
* If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
* Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?
* If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
* When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
* Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?