Animal jokes (4816 to 4830)

You Might Be A Redneck If 63

You might be a reneck if...
You just bought your family their lst Atari game system.
You and your wife celebrate your anniversay at the K-mart cafeteria.
You think the only tools "real men" need are duck tape and caulk, and you have sucessful repair projects to prove it.
You've tried to quote Jeff Foxworthy and screwed it up.
You name your car the General Lee.
You see a sign that says "bridge out" and you try to jump it.
You go to your local pet shop for a cat scan.
Warp drive describes the condition of your car.
Your smoke detector doubles as your dinner bell.
You go to the dentist for a "Tooth Cleaning".

A farmer walks into a bar and ...

A farmer walks into a bar and orders a drink.The man next to him notices that he looks depressed, so he asks him what was wrong.

Farmer: some things you just can't explain.

Man: Try me.

Farmer: OK, I was milking my cow when it kicked the bucket of milk over so I took some rope and tied its leg to the fence.

Man: that doesn't sound too bad.

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: There's more?

Farmer: Yeah, the cow kicked over the bucket again with his other foot.

Man: that still doesn't sound too bad, did you tie his other leg to the fence too?

Farmer: Yeah, but I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied his foot to the fence. When I stood up without my belt my pants fell down, that's when my wife came in and saw in the situation I was in.

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

At the Race Track

A group of 2nd, 3rd and 4th graders, accompanied by 2 female teachers, went on a field trip to the local race track to learn about thoroughbred horses and the sporting industry, but mostly to see the horses. When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the gents when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their trousers, and began lifting the little boys up one by one, and held onto their "john thomases" to direct the flow away from their clothes.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the 4th."
"No, ma'am," he replied, "I'm in the 7th, riding Silver Arrow, but thanks for the lift."

SciFi Answerphone Me

STAR TREK / STAR WARS ANSWERING MACHINE MESSAGES

Bridge, Kirk here.

Starship Enterprise, Uhura here, can you hold please? -- Captain, there is a transmission coming in on hailing frequency seven, do you want it on screen?

(Star Trek theme in the background:) (Voice 1:) Room 17, the final frontier. (Voice 2:) These are the messages of Chad's answering machine. Its two semester mission: To seek out your name and your telephone number. (Voice 3:) To boldly inform you to wait for the tone.

Thank you for calling Starfleet Command. No starships are in the quadrant at this time, so at the sound of the subspace tone, tell us your name, the planet you are calling from, and how many Klingons are attacking.

(Bad imitations:) Picard: Assume standard orbit, Mr. LaForge. Sensor readings, Lieutenant? Worf: Scanning, Captain... Strange... No life-forms. Picard: Recommendations, Mr. Data? Data: Intriguing, Captain. Perhaps we should simply leave a message.

(Borg voice:) WE ARE BORG. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. YOUR PHONE CALL, AS IT HAS BEEN, IS NOW OVER. YOUR MESSAGE WILL BE ASSIMILATED AT THE BEEP. But we're not home right now. So leave a message and we'll assimilate you later. (or) Borg communications router. Unit addressed unavailable. Hails are irrelevant. Messages are irrelevant. You are irrelevant. Nonetheless, leave message if you wish. Wait for indicative, high frequency, acoustic spike... (Background:) Error, error! Wishes are irrelevant. Acoustic spikes are irrelevant.

(Chekov's voice:) Oh Keptin! It was Khan! He made us do things... Say things we did not vant to say... But we vere strong, Keptin! Ve held out until ve heard the beep...

Hello, you've reached 555-1312, the Apartment at the End of the Universe. Please leave your message, name and number at the sound of the tone. Keep your hands, feet, extremities, and obscenities inside the car at all times. Enjoy your ride.

(Darth Vader voice:) Speak, worm!

Alpha Centauri Space Station. Commander Marlin can't come to the phone right now. He's either saving the universe from some dread, unnamed peril, or perhaps taking a nappie. Leave your name and number after the beep and he will return your call.

A bubble in the space-time continuum has connected your line to a channeler in the 23rd century. Any message you leave will be broadcast into the future.

You have reached the offices of the planet Zarton. All our agents are busy undermining the governments of the Earth and cannot come to phone at the moment. However, your name and number can be left at the tone and a representative will gladly contact you shortly to arrange for your assimilation into the new order. Long groblint the ultimate blenstron.

Steve has been captured by a flying saucer and can't come to the phone right now, but if you leave your name, phone number, and a message, I'll have him call you back as soon as he gets away. Read all about it in next week's National Enquirer.

Hello, this is Jim. Unfortunately I can't answer the phone right now because I've just come back from the Mirror Worlds and I'm still made up of antimatter, so if I were to pick up the phone right now, the resulting energy release would make Hiroshima look like a wet firecracker. So leave a message at the tone and I'll get back to you as soon as my component particles have been restored to their normal charges.

A bloke went to his mate's fan...

A bloke went to his mate's fancy dress party with nothing but a naked girl on his back.

What do you get if you cross a...

What do you get if you cross a skunk with a koala?

Two goldfish are in their tank...

Two goldfish are in their tank.

Little Johnny In Class

A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with her fourth grade class because she realizes Little Johnny's propensity for sexual innuendo. But Johnny remains attentive throughout the entire lecture. Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for examples of sex education from the class. One little boy raises his hand, 'I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs.' 'Very good, William,' cooed the teacher. 'My mommy had a baby,' said little Esther. 'Oh, that's nice,' replied the teacher. Finally, little Johnny raises his hand. With much fear and trepidation, the teacher calls on him. 'I was watchin' TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Indians. And they all attacked at one time. And he killed every one of them with his two guns.' The teacher was relieved but puzzled, 'And what does that have to do with sex education, Johnny?' 'It'll teach those Indians not to 'screw' with the Lone Ranger.'

TOP 10 SIGNS YOUR KID IS SPENDING WAY TOO MUCH TIME ON HIS COMPUTER

TOP 10 SIGNS YOUR KID IS SPENDING WAY TOO MUCH TIME ON HIS COMPUTER
David Letterman, April 23, 1997 10. Named his hamsters 'I' 'B' 'M'

9. Every day after school, eats his weight in silicon chips 'n' salsa

8. He somehow uses morphing technology to make your cat look just like David Duchovny

7. He's been in bed all week with a computer virus

6. Refers to having sex as 'Logging On'

5. His name: Carl. His Nickname: 'Carpal Tunnel Carl'

4. During power outage, paced around house like a caffeinated squirrel

3. He calls you 'WWW.DADDY.COM'

2. Walls of his room covered with printouts of a naked Bill Gates

1. 2 Words: 'Cyber Acne'

Biblical Theme Songs

Noah: "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head"
Adam and Eve: "Strangers in Paradise"
Lazarus: "The Second Time Around"
Esther: "I Feel Pretty"
Job: "I've Got a Right to Sing the Blues"
Moses: "The Wanderer"
Jezebel: "The Lady is a Tramp"
Samson: "Hair"Salome: "I Could Have Danced All Night"
Daniel: "The Lion Sleeps Tonight"
Esau: "Born To Be Wild"
Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego: "Great Balls of Fire!"
The Three Kings: "When You Wish Upon a Star"
Jonah: "Got a Whale of a Tale"
Elijah: "Up, Up, and Away"
Methuselah: "Stayin' Alive"
Nebuchadnezzar: "Crazy"

My dog wrote a novel. Unfortun...

My dog wrote a novel. Unfortunately, it was terrible. The plot was so arf-fetched.

A guy walks into a bar and the...

A guy walks into a bar and there is a horse serving drinks. The guy stares until the horse finally says, “What’s the problem? Haven’t you ever seen a horse serving drinks before?”
The guy says, “No, it’s not that. It is just that I never thought the ferret would sell the place.”

Japan is in trouble

Take heart, America. Three monkey wrenches have been thrown into Japan's well-oiled economic machine. It's only a mater of time before that powerful engine of productivity begins to sputter and fail.

What could cause such a sharp turnaround? High interest rates? Increased unemployment? Lower productivity? No, it's something much more economically debilitating - and permanent.

Three American lawyers have become the first foreign attorneys permitted to practice law in Japan. What's more, two of them are from New York!

The decline has begun.

Japan has one attorney for every 10,000 residents, compared to the U.S. ratio of one attorney for every 390 residents. For every 100 attorneys trained in Japan, there are 1,000 enginerrs. In the United States, that ratio is reversed.

But a law that became effective on April 1 permits foreigners to practice in Japan for the first time since 1955. Already, an additional 20 American and six British lawyers have applied for permission to open practices in Japan.

If anything can slow the Japanese economy, it's the presence of American attorneys. What better way to even our balance of trade than to send Japan our costliest surplus commodity?

Escargot

A married couple were having a dinner party for some important guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any escargot for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails.

Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach.

He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me?" He went back to gathering the snails.

All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place. They ended up spending the night together. At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!"

He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment, but he was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails spilling them all down the stairs.

The door suddenly opens with a very angry wife standing in the doorway wondering where he's been all this time.

He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there!!"

What's a cat's fav...

What's a cat's favourite dessert?