Animal jokes (5086 to 5100)

A businessman finds that his n...

A businessman finds that his neighbor in the first class cabin of his flight is a parrot. They take off and the flight attendant asks what they would like to drink. "Glenlivet on the rocks with a twist," says the parrot. The businessman orders a coke.
After waiting two or three minutes, the bird starts yelling, "Where's my drink?! Stop fooling around and give me my drink!" The fight attendant runs to him with his glass, leaving the businessman still thirsty. Half an hour later the fight attendant makes a second round. The bird orders another Glenlivet and a Wall Street Journal. The businessman asks for another coke. Again, after a couple of minutes, the bird screams, squawking, "You lazy idiot! Where is my drink?!" The poor woman nearly trips over herself getting the parrot his drink and the newspaper. The businessman still has nothing, and after ten more minutes decides to take his cue from the bird. "Hey! Where's my coke! The service here stinks!"
Out of nowhere the purser, the captain and two passengers grab the businessman and the bird, open the hatch and throw them out of the plane.
At 30,000 feet in the air the two fall side by side and the parrot says to the terrified man, "Wow that took a lot of guts for a guy with no wings."

Christmas Day Jokes - One Liners #joke #Christmas

What do monkeys sing at Christmas?
Jungle Bells, Jungle bells..!
Why are Christmas trees like bad knitters?
They both drop their needles!
What's Christmas called in England?
Yule Britannia!
What did the bald man say when he got a comb for Christmas?
Thanks, I'll never part with it!
Why is a burning candle like being thirsty?
Beacause a little water ends both of them!
What do you get if you cross an apple with a Christmas tree?
A pineapple!
What do you give a train driver for Christmas?
Platform shoes!
What did the big candle say to the little candle?
I'm going out tonight!
Whats happens to you at Christmas?
Yule be happy!
How long does it take to burn a candle down?
About a wick!

Relatives....

A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the husband replied, "In-laws."

The National Institute of Heal...

The National Institute of Health (NIH) announced last week that they were going to start using lawyers instead of rats in their experiments. Naturally, the American Bar Association was outraged and filed suit. Yet, the NIH presented some very good reasons for the switch.

1. The lab assistants were becoming very attached to their little rats. This emotional involvement was interfering with the research being conducted. No such attachment could form for a lawyer.

2. Lawyers breed faster and are in much greater supply.

3. Lawyers are much cheaper to care for and the humanitarian societies won't jump all over you no matter what you're studying.

4. There are some things even a rat won't do.

Christmas Eve Jokes - One Liners #joke #Christmas

What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
It's Christmas, Eve!
How do you make an idiot laugh on boxing day?
Tell him a joke on Christmas Eve!
What do you have in December that you don't have in any other month?
The letter "D"!
What does Father Christmas suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney?
Santa Claustrophobia!
What do you call a letter sent up the chimney on Christmas Eve?
Black mail!
Who delievers cat's Christmas presents?
Santa Paws!
Why does Father Christmas go down the chimney?
Because it soots him!
Who delievers elephants's Christmas presents?
Elephanta Claus!
How many chimney does Father Christmas go down ?
Stacks!
Why is Santa like a bear on Christmas Eve ?
Because he's Sooty!

Robert Schmidt 13

My uncle's an airline pilot ... kinda makes it difficult to hold the bottle though...

When my Dad came home last night, my mom fainted.

Don't tell anyone I said but we're live on national TV.

I broke a leg one time ... spilt coffee all over.

I bought this thing for my car. You put it on your car, it sends out this little noise, so when you drive through the woods, deer won't run in front of your car. I installed it backwards by accident. Driving down the street with a herd of deer chasing me. Those were the days.

That's a good thing to say to the police the next time they stop you. "License and registration, please." "Hermits have no peer pressure." "License and registration, please." "Whenever I think about the past, it just brings back so many memories." "License and registration, please." "There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot. Wouldn't you" say, Officer?" "License and registration, please." "What's another word for Thesaurus?" See the cop have a nervous breakdown. "I was just trying to give him a ticket."

I can't wait to be arrested and go all the way to the witness stand. "Do you swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you, God?" "Yes, you're ugly. See that women in the jury? I'd really like to sleep with her. Should I keep going or are you going to ask me questions?"

In the Roadrunner cartoon, the coyote has been chasing him for 25 years. I'd like to see him finally get right up to him and go "Sorry, I thought you were someone else."

Driving hasn't been the same since I installed the funhouse rearview mirrors. "What is that?"

Driving down the street at 150 miles per hour with a friend of mine on cruise control. Both of us in the back seat. The police pulled us over. They don't know who to arrest, nobody's driving. So, they arrested us both. I'm on the witness stand. You know the rest.

Two guys were hiking in the m...

Two guys were hiking in the mountains when they came across an old mine shaft going straight down into the ground.

"Wow," said the first guy. "I wonder how deep it is?"

"I dunno," said the second.

"Let's find out." With that, he dropped a rock down the hole. They waited and waited, but didn't hear it hit bottom.

"Hmm. Let's try a bigger rock," said the first guy, and tossed a watermelon-sized stone down the hole. They waited a couple of minutes, but didn't hear it hit either. So, they looked around for something bigger to throw down and came across an old railroad tie, which they lifted together and dumped down the hole. Then suddenly, as they waited to hear it hit, a goat streaked between the two of them and jumped straight down the mineshaft.

While they stood there scratching their heads in amazement, a third guy came up the path and asked them if they'd seen a goat.

"Yeah, just now," said one of the first two guys. "It just ran up and jumped down this hole."

"Oh, well then it couldn't have been my goat," said the third guy. "My goat was tied to an old railroad tie."

Donkeys at Christmas

What do donkeys send out near Christmas? Mule-tide greetings.

An Iowan Visits Arkansas

This guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white

wine.

Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and

the bartender looks around and says: "You ain't from around

here, are ya... where ya from, boy?"

The guy says, "I'm from Iowa."

The bartender asks, "What th' hell you do in Iowa?"

The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender asks, "A taxidermist... now just what th' hell

is a taxidermist?"

The guy says "I mount animals."

The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's

OK boys, he's one of us!"

Question Answer 06

What lights up a football stadium?
A football match!
If you have a referee in football, what do you have in bowls?
Cornflakes!
Why aren't football stadiums built in outer space?
Because there is no atmosphere!
Where do spiders play their FA Cup final?
Webley stadium!
When fish play football, who is the captain?
The team's kipper!
Ref: I'm sending you off
Player: What for?
Ref: The rest of the match!
Why is it that birds are quickly sold when they come up on the transfer market?
They tend to go cheep!
What is a goal keepers favourite snack?
Beans on post!

What do you get if you cross a...

What do you get if you cross a centipede and a parrot?

Horse Auction

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"
His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy."
Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom..."

There where two snakes talking...

There where two snakes talking.

The first one said, "Sidney, are we the type of snakes who wrap ourselves around our prey and squeeze and crush until they're dead? Or are we the type of snake who ambush our prey and bite them and they are poisoned?"

Then the second Snake says, "Why do you ask?"

The first one replies, "I just bit my lip."

The Zoo

Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.
"So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home.
"Great," Little Johnny replied.
"Did you and daddy have a good time?" asked his mother.
"Yeah, daddy really liked it too," exclaimed Little Johnny, "especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"

A professor of chemistry wante...

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms. "Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail. "Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked.
Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."