Animal jokes (5356 to 5370)Jokes about animals. These are the jokes listed 5356 to 5370. |
A woman got on a bus holding a...
A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.
The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.
"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.
The man sympathized and said, "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."
"You're right!" the woman said, "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind!"
"That's a good idea," the man said, "Here, let me hold your monkey."
#joke #animal #monkey
Home Alone Children
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.
St. Paul, MN
The hit movie "Home Alone" about a boy thwarting burglars with imaginative mayhem, wasn't total fantasy. Just ask the guy who tried to break in while 13-year-old Ryan Hendrickson was home alone.
Ryan was watching television Wednesday night when he heard a noise that sounded like a window screen being cut.
"I ran to the closet and grabbed a bat," Ryan said Thursday. "I went...into the dining room, where I saw him cutting the window with a knife. He put his left hand in first and I was waiting for his right hand to come in...and I took the baseball bat and I hit him as hard as I could."
The man ran. Ryan called 911.
Police, while cautioning Ryan to call 911 first next time, did enjoy the fact that the kid got in the first lick against a bad guy.
Business one-liners 26
Everything is always done for the wrong reasons.Everything put together sooner or later falls apart.
Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
Everything takes longer than you think.
Everything tastes more or less like chicken.
Everything worthwhile is mandatory, prohibited, or taxed.
Everything you know is wrong, but you can be straightened out.
Excellence can be attained if you care more than others think is wise, risk more than others think is safe, dream more than others think is practical, expect more than others think is possible.
Exceptions always outnumber rules.
#joke #animal #chicken
In the middle of the harvestin...
In the middle of the harvesting, one of the farmhands had to obey the call of nature. He went to the edge of the field and started peeing. Most unfortunately, he was stung by a bee right on the "tip."The pain was unbearable, but he knew a piece of good advice. He went to the farmers house and put his penis in buttermilk. At that moment the farmers daughter came in. With her face red, she stood perfectly still looking at him.
"Have you never seen one of these before?" the farmhand asked.
To which the girl replied, "Yes, but this is the first time I see one being reloaded!
#joke #animal #bee
A hunter kills a deer and brin...
A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to clean it, prepare it, and serve the deer meat for dinner. He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won't eat it if they know what it is, so he doesn't tell them.His little boy keeps asking him, "What's for dinner dad?"
"You'll see", he replies.
They start eating dinner and his daughter keeps asking him what they are eating.
"Ok", says her dad, "Here's a hint. It's what your mother sometimes calls me."
His daughter screams ... "Don't eat it, Jimmy! ... It's a fucking asshole ..."
Money in a jar
A guy walks up and sees a jar of money in a bar.The Barman says you need to do 3 things to get all the money.
1. He points over to a big guy, 6'9" 280 lbs. You have to walk up to him and knock him out in one punch.
2. Pull a tooth out of a rottweilers mouth.
3. Screw a 70 year old lady.
He walks over to the big guy and knocks him out in one punch.
He takes the dog in the bathroom and all you hear is yelling and screaming.
He comes out all bloody and says, "Now where is that 70 year old lady I have to pull the tooth out of?"
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis
Run Over The Rooster
A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster. Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car. A cloud of feathers.
Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse, rang the door bell. A farmer appeared. The man, somewhat nervously said, "I think I killed your rooster, please allow me to replace him."
"Suit yourself," the farmer replied, "you can go join the other chickens that are around the back."
#joke #animal #chicken #rooster
On safari...
A big game hunter goes on safari with his wife and his mother-in-law. One morning, the wife wakes up to find her mother gone. Immediately, she awakens up her husband and they both set off to find the old woman.
Suddenly, they break into a clearing and there's the mother-in-law, standing face-to-face with a ferocious lion!
"Quick, darling," the wife shouts frantically, "Do something!"
"Oh, no," the husband says, "That lion got himself into this mess. Let him get himself out!"
Three blond men are out fishin...
Three blond men are out fishing one afternoon talking about this and that when one of the men says, "You know, my wife did the strangest thing the other day. She came home with 100 lbs of meat. I only say this is strange because we're vegetarians and don't eat meat."One of the other men says, "You think that's weird. My wife came home with 100 lbs of dog food the other day. I don't know what she was thinking. We don't even own a dog and I'm allergic to dogs."
The third blond man says, "Well, you think that's weird. I've got both of you beat. My wife recently won a cruise and she's going with some female friends. So, she was out shopping the other day getting ready for this cruise and she came home with 100 condoms. She doesn't even have a penis!"
A Texan farmer goes to Austral...
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets anAussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat
field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least
twice as large".
Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his
herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that
are at least twice as large as your cows".
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a
herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks,
"And what are those"?
The Aussie asks with an incredulous look,
"Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?
#joke #animal #kangaroo #cow
1. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, T...
1. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.2. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.
3. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?
4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?
5. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.
6. I WENT TO A BOOK STORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, 'WHERE'S THE SELF-HELP SECTION?' SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.
7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?
8. IF A DEAF PERSON SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?
9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?
10. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?
11. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO 'GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?'
12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?
13. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?
14. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?
15. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?
16. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?
17. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?
18. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MUTE, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?
19. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?
20. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.
21. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?
22. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?
23. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?
24. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?
25. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD LISP TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?
26. WHY ARE HAEMORRHOIDS CALLED HAEMORRHOIDS INSTEAD OF ASSTEROIDS?
27. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?
28. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?
29. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL PERSON IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES DO THEY BECOME DISORIENTED?
Q: Please send a list of all d...
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispenserattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All
Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make
good pets.
