Animal jokes (5386 to 5400)Jokes about animals. These are the jokes listed 5386 to 5400. |
A rich women goes to the polic...
A rich women goes to the police station and asks the police officer to write a complaint about her missing dog. He say "you should give a brief description about your dog".She says one of his ears is missing, one of his eyes is missing, one of his legs his missing and his tail is half cut off. He asks for the dogs name.
She replies "lucky".
Things Found Only in America
1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we wont miss a call from someone we didnt want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America......do we use the word politics to describe the process so well: Poli in Latin meaning many and tics meaning bloodsucking creatures.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
Mother-in-law killed
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride.While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways.
At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no, and mumble a reply.
Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.
The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would then ask, 'Can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'"
Icing ...
A young man was visiting his brother and sister-in-law for the holidays. As he arrived at their house he found his young nephew, Timmy, helping them bake some cupcakes.
After they were done, his sister-in-law allowed Timmy to put the icing on. When the boy had finished, he brought them to the table.
"The cupcakes look delicious, Tim." his uncle said. He took a bite and said, "Timmy these are so good."
As he finished cupcake and took another, he again complimented his little nephew. "The cupcakes look beautiful, Tim," his uncle said. "How did you get the icing so neat?"
His nephew replied, "It was easy. I just licked them."
The uncle turned pale. He pointed to the plate of cupcakes. "You licked all of these?"
Timmie replied, "Well no. After a while my tongue got tired, and I got the dog to help."
Fishing on Sunday
A village pastor, known for his weakness for trout, preached against fishing on Sunday.
The next day one of his members presented him with a fine string of fish and said, hesitatingly, "I guess I ought to tell you, parson, that those trout were caught on Sunday." The minister hesitated, gazed appreciatively at the speckled trout, and then said piously as he reached for his gift, "The fish aren’t to blame for that."
One day, a father and son were...
One day, a father and son were walking along the beach when they came across a dead seagull lying on its back.Curiously, the son asked, "Daddy, what's wrong with the bird?"
"There comes a time in your life when you die," said the father.
"Where do you go when you die?" said the son.
"Up to heaven," said the father.
"What happens in heaven?" said the son.
"God invites you into his kingdom," said the father.
"Then, why did God throw this one back?" said the son.
An 8-year-old girl went to her...
An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the garage."Daddy, what is sex?"
The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she was old enough to ask the question, then she was old enough to get a straight answer.
He proceeded to tell her all about the 'birds and the bees'. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open.
"Why did you ask that question, honey?"
"Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."
Knock Knock Collection 069
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Fred!
Fred who?
Fred Badge of Courage!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Frederick!
Frederick who?
Frederick Express!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Freddie!
Freddie who?
Freddie or not here I come!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Freighter!
Freighter who?
Freighter open the door!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Fresno!
Fresno who?
Rudolf the Fresno reindeer...!
A man is driving up a steep, n...
A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other, the woman leans out of the window and yells "PIG!"The man immediately leans out of his window and replies, "BITCH!"
They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road and dies.
If only men would listen.
