Animal jokes (5551 to 5565)Jokes about animals. These are the jokes listed 5551 to 5565. |
Question And Answer Jokes
Q: How can you tell if a lawyer is well hung?A: You can't get a finger between the rope and his neck!
Q: If you are stranded on a desert island with Adolph Hitler, Atilla the Hun, and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets, what do you do?
A: Shoot the lawyer twice.
Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!
Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.
Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.
Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
Q: Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?
A: To practice.
A command was given to a dog: "SPEAK!"
The dog said in return: "Not without my lawyer present!"
Q: Why is going to a meeting of the Bar Association like going into a bait shop?
A: Because of the abundance of suckers, leeches, maggots and nightcrawlers
Q: Why are there so many lawyers in the U.S.?
A: Because St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland.
Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
A: The lawyer charges more.
Some new vocabulary
arachnoleptic fit, noun:
The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
Beelzebug, noun:
Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3 in the morning and cannot be cast out.
bozone, noun:
The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down at any time in the future.
cashtration, noun:
The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
caterpallor, noun:
The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
dopelar effect, noun:
(1) The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when you come at them rapidly.
(2) The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
extraterrestaurant, noun:
An eating place where you feel you've been abducted and experimented on. Also known as ETry.
foreploy, noun:
Any misrepresentation or outright lie about yourself that leads to sex.
Grantartica, noun:
The cold, isolated place where arts companies without funding dwell.
intaxication, noun:
Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
kinstirpation, noun:
A painful inability to get rid of relatives who come to visit.
lullabuoy, noun:
An idea that keeps floating into your head and prevents you from drifting off to sleep.
A blonde was late for work so ...
A blonde was late for work so she hopped in her car, popped it in reverse and quickly rolled out of the driveway.She wasn't looking and she hit another car. And the man in the car jumped out all furious yelling at the blonde.
"OH MY GOD I CANT BELIEVE HOW STUPID YOU ARE! I'M GONNA MAKE SURE YOU NEVER DRIVE AGAIN!" Said that Man. "NOW YOU STAND ON THIS MAN-HOLE AND DONT MOVE UNTIL I TELL YOU!" He exclaimed.
SO she did and he went over to her car and started beating the crap out of it.
He was kicking dents in it and just going off and the girl started to laugh.
He looked over and she stopped and then he went to his car and grabbed a bat. He started bashing all the windows in and putting even bigger dents in the car.
The girl started laughing even harder this time. He looked over again and she stopped.
By now the man was pissed so he got some gas and put it all over the car and lit it up. The whole car bursted into flames and blew up.
By now the girl was on the ground busting up laughing. So the man goes over and says:
"What the hell is so funny?"
The girl replies with:
"I stepped off the man-hole 3 times and you didn't even see me!"
A little girl walks into a pet...
A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks: "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?"
The little girl puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice: "I don't fink my pyfon really giveths a thit."
Helping Out The Knight
Sir Edgbert, knight of the realm, was hurrying home on a cold, dark, wet night when, suddenly, his horse suffered a major coronary and died on the spot. All Sir Edgbert could do was collect up what belongings he could and tramp onwards.
After staggering for a spell, he decides that he must get alternative transport. Accordingly, he heads for the nearest building which, as luck would have it, is a small farm. He strides up to the door, bangs on it and shouts 'A horse! A horse!. I must have a horse!".
The door opens to reveal a young girl. She looks at Sir Edgbert and says, "Your pardon, good night but my father and brothers are returning from the village on the other side of the forest and will not be back before noon tomorrow. They are riding all our horses".
Sir Edgbert is saddened by this and says "But I must return home immediately. Have you any idea where I may accuire alternative transportation?".
The young girl says "I know of no other horses hereabouts, but sometimes my brothers ride our Great Dane dog when the need arises. Would use of that help?"
Sir Edgbert is desperate and says "If I must, I must. Show me the animal". The young girl leads the way around to the back of the farmhouse to a stable. She dissapears inside and returns leading and enormous dogs which is quite of a size for riding. Unfortunately, the dog has seen better days. It's coat is threadbare, it's legs are spindly and it seems to be breathing labouriously.
Sir Edgbert looks at the young girl and says, "Surely, you wouldn't send a knight out on a dog like this?"
Jesus & the Robber
A robber breaks into a home and hears a voice say, Jesus is watching you.Startled, he asks, Who said that?
Again, the voice says, Jesus is watching you.
The robber turns around to see a parrot. He asks the parrot what his name is. The parrot replies, Cornelius.
The robber asks, Who names a parrot Cornelius?
The parrot replies, The same person who named that rottweiler behind you Jesus.
What Children Do.............
** For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious. ** For those who have children this age, this is not funny. ** For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning. ** For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.
The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas:
Things I've learned from my Children (honest & no kidding):
1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft house 4 inches deep.
2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with rollerblades, they can ignite.
3. A 3-year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
10. Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old.
11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24. The mind of a 6-year old is wonderful. First grade...true story:
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs in her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, "...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?"
One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said...'Holy sh_t! A talking pig!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
25. 60% of men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.
A Collection Of Insults
A brief synopsis... When you're at a loss for words but want to tell someone that he or she is stupid, remember some these quips from our collection here at Aha! Jokes.
The two put together have an IQ over 150.
The wheel's spinning but the hamster's dead.
There she sits, Finite State Automaton at its best.
There's nothing wrong with you that couldn't be cured with a little Prozac and a polo mallet. -- Woody Allen
They must have done a clean boot on him.
Thick as a brick / whale omelette.
Thick as pig dung and twice as smelly.
Thinks "Private Enterprise" means owning a personal starship.
Thinks a permutation is a medical procedure.
Thinks at 5 baud.
Thinks cellular phones are carbon-based life forms.
Thinks E=MC^2 is a rap star.
Thinks everyone else is entitled to his opinion, like it or not.
thinks in lower case and types accordingly
Thinks like a boar hog looks at a wristwatch.
Cat in the Way
Two church members were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message and slammed the door in their faces. To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result-the door bounced back open.Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said, "Maam, before you do that again, you need to move your cat."
GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILD...
GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptise cats.
2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
