Animal jokes (76 to 90)Jokes about animals. These are the jokes listed 76 to 90. |
5 new jokes from the High Plains Comedy Festival
I’m from Texas.
I don’t sound like it – because I learned to read.”
~Usama Siddiquee
I’m polyamorous.
That means I love cats and dogs equally.”
~Mishka Shubaly
Once you reach age 35, you are not allowed to go on vacation alone.
It creeps everybody out.”
~Graham Kay
I might have kids someday. I don’t know.
Right now, I dont have time to come home and let them out.”
~Beth Stelling
My boyfriend and I just went to a destination wedding.
… Yeah, it was in Hell.”
~Katie Hannigan
Have some fun with 'addicted' jokes
I'm addicted to seaweed.
I must seek kelp.
My friend is addicted to drinking ink.
It's a dyer situation.
I've been reading a book on anti-gravity, and now I'm addicted.
I can't put it down!
I used to be addicted to eating soap.
But I'm clean now.
I have an addiction to cheddar cheese,
although it's only mild.
Sat next to a fruit machine addict at a gamblers anonymous meeting last night, It was awful!..
He kept nudging me.
A bunch of batteries were gathering around in a circle.
I guess they were having an AA-meeting.
They say one in every seven friends have a gambling addiction.
My money's on Dave.
I just got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts.
I won't lie, it was a Rocky Road.
m embarrassed to say I got addicted to shoplifting but only from the bottom shelves in the supermarket.
How could I stoop so low?
I've been addicted to cold turkey for 2 years.
I keep telling people I'm trying to quit cold turkey but nobody is taking me seriously.
Got home and someone has stolen all the bits of carpets and the mats.
Police think it was the work of rug addicts.
5 short jokes for great Friday
I hired a lawyer to sue the airlines for mishandling my luggage.
He lost the case.
Vegetarians think eating animals is immoral
But eating mushrooms is morel
How do you make an eggroll?
You push it!
What day do eggs hate the most?
Fry-day
How do eggs run so fast?
They’re afraid of being beaten
Chihuahua at the vets
A man brings his Chihuahua to the vet.They’re immediately taken to a room.
Soon, a Labrador walks in sniffs the Chihuahua, and leaves.
Then a cat comes in, stares at the dog, and leaves.
Finally, the doctor comes in, prescribes some medicine, and hands the man a $250 bill.
"This must be a mistake," the man says.
"I’ve only been here 20 minutes!"
"No mistake," the doctor says.
"It’s $100 for the Lab test,
$100 for the cat scan,
and $50 for the medicine."
14 Jokes to brighten your day
A termite walks into a bar and asks
- Is the bar tender here?
What do you call a caveman's fart?
A blast from the past.
I was having a bad day, and my friend said,
'At least you're not stuck in a hole in the ground full of water.'
I knew he meant well.
A guy walks into a doctor's office, butt ass naked, but wrapped head-to-toe in cellophane.
The doctor takes one look at the guy and says,
'Well...I can clearly see your nuts.'
- Why couldn't the lifeguard rescue the hippie?'
- Because he was too far out, man.
The chicken and the egg are in bed.
The chicken rolls over and lights a cigarette, and the egg says,
'Well, I guess that answers *that* question.'
Why does a chicken coop only have two doors?
Because if it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.
Why don't anteaters ever get sick?
Because they are full of little anty-bodies.
A tire thief is at large ...
and the police are working tirelessly to catch him.
A man went to see his doctor and the doctor said to him,
'I have some bad news and some worse news for you.'
So the man asks, 'OK, so what’s the bad news?'
The doctor says, 'You only have 24 hours to live.'
The man, obviously shocked by this, says, 'Oh my god, that’s terrible!'
Then he says, 'Wait a minute — what’s the worse news?'
Doctor: 'I should have told you yesterday.'
Two men are standing by the roadside when a tractor drives past.
The driver is ranting and shouting, 'The end of the world is nigh!'
One guy says, 'Oh no, we’re all gonna die, what shall we do?'
His friend replies, 'Don’t worry about him, that’s just Farmer Geddon!'
How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but it takes a long time and the light bulb has to want to change.
How do ghosts go through locked doors?
AWith a skeleton key!
What did the zero say to the eight?
'Nice belt.'
17 Labor Day Jokes to enjoy Monday Off
Labor Day always falls on the first Monday in September, have some jokes during 3 day weekend
Is Aunty Diane having her baby today?
Why did you think she is about to give birth?
Because you said today was Labor Day!
When is Labor Day?
About 9 months after Father’s Day.
Do you know, most people don't have to work today, because it's Labor Day.
If people are not working, shouldn’t we call today "No-Labor Day?"
What do you call a hobbit throwing a Labor Day party?
It’s just a little get-together.
Why do the employees get sick on Labor Day Weekend?
Weakened immune system.
Happy Labor Day!
Oh wait… we live on a farm. Never mind!
I told my coworker I was going skydiving labor day weekend and he asked how many feet I was diving from.
I looked down at my feet, "Just these two".
Why are locksmiths allowed to remain open on Labor Day?
They are key workers.
Why are zombies free labor?
They don’t need a living wage.
What do nuclear plants serve their workers for the Labor Day party?
Fission Chips.
Why did ancient Egyptians have a hard time recruiting laborers?
It was a pyramid scheme.
What do you call a sick co-worker?
Staff infection.
What do you call a snake that works for the Government?
A Civil Serpent.
How did a calendar factory worker get fired?
He took a day off on Labor Day.
Why do managers never go bowling with their employees?
Because they are afraid of them striking.
What is the day when most Babies are born?
Well, it’s Labor Day.
Most people enjoy a day off on Labor Day except for fire…
Fire works on the Labor Day.
30 Bacon jokes to celebrate International Bacon Day
The first Saturday in September is International Bacon Day and a day to enjoy all things bacon, including bacon jokes!
What is a pig’s favorite song?
"Don’t Go Bacon My Heart."
What’s a bacon lover’s favorite musical?
"Grease."
What’s a bacon lover’s favorite horror movie?
"Frankenswine."
What do you call a dinosaur wrapped in bacon?
Jurrasic Pork.
Why did the pig run naked across the football field?
He was streaky bacon.
Why did the bacon strip laugh?
Because the fried egg cracked a yolk!
What kind of ice cream do pigs like best?
Hoggin Daz.
Who was the smartest bacon lover that ever lived?
Albert Ein-swine.
What’s a bacon enthusiast’s favorite play?
"Hamlet."
What’s the most successful pick-up line in history?
"I’ve got bacon."
What do you call a fir tree covered in bacon?
A porky-pine!
Why was the cruise ship passenger thrown overboard?
He was hogging the bacon at the buffet.
What’s the best way to eat turkey bacon?
Gobble it up!
How do you know if the bacon you bought is real?
The package is marked ‘gen-u-swine.’
What pig is used to make spicy bacon?
Peppa Pig.
What color is the best cooked bacon?
Ma-hog-any.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede?
Bacon and legs.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in the skillet?
Take away its tiny broom.
How many vegans does it take to eat a strip of crispy, delicious bacon?
Just one, if no one’s looking!
What would happen if pigs could fly?
The price of bacon would skyrocket!
Why did the pig go on Ancestry.com?
He wanted to read about history in the bacon.
With what crime was the bacon thief charged?
Hamburglary.
Why was the meat packer fired?
He was bringing home the bacon.
What should you use to write secret messages about bacon?
Invisible oink.
Why did the bacon delivery driver get a traffic ticket?
He was being a road hog.
What’s the name of the best pawn shop for selling bacon?
Ham Hocks.
What’s the best vehicle for delivering bacon?
A pigup truck.
What do you call a pig who gets the test answer wrong?
Mistaken bacon.
Why did the pig go into the kitchen?
He felt like bacon.
What did the pig say at the beach?
"It’s so hot, I’m bacon!"
Six fresh jokes
Six fresh jokes to start weekend with laugh
What's the opposite of a microwave?
A tsunami.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, "wow they be bonding."
My doctor advised me to cut down on my sodium intake.
I took his advice with a pinch of salt.
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don't work.
"Your underwear is much too tight and revealing," I said to my wife.
She replied, "Wear your own then."
I saw a book at the store today called "How to end 50% of your problems"
I bought two.
14 Cat jokes
What's a cat's favorite book?
The Great Cats-by.
What's a cat's favorite day of the week?
Cat-urday.
Why did the cats ask for a piano?
They wanted to make mew-sic.
What’s a cat’s favorite cereal?
Mice crispies.
What’s a cat’s favorite TV show?
Claw and Order.
If your cat was an artist, what would they paint?
Paw-traits.
What's a cat’s favorite color?
Purr-ple.
If cats taught school, what would they be called?
Purr-fessors.
What's a cat's favorite food?
Paw-sta.
What do you call a cat who loves to bowl?
An alley cat.
How did the lazy kittens work on their school project?
They put in the bare mew-nimum.
What's every kitten’s favorite movie?
The Little Purr-maid.
What's a cat’s favorite dessert?
Chocolate mouse.
Why don’t cats like online shopping?
They prefer cat-alogues.
