Animal jokes (796 to 810)Jokes about animals. These are the jokes listed 796 to 810. |
Flying On A Bad Airline
The Top 10 Signs You're Flying On A Bad Airline
- The engine's being held on by duct tape.
- You see the Gorilla from those old Samsonite commercials running loose up and down the aisles.
- In-flight movie has "Ernest" in its title.
- Pilot informs you that you're at cruising altitude and he's gonna put the top down.
- Instead of Peanuts, you get a healthy helping of SPAM.
- As you're taking off, the stewardess mentions the phrase "Guest Pilot Program"
- The seats are wet due to flotation device moisture.
- The stewardess asks you to join the Mile High Club..."she" has a beard and bigger arms than you!
- Pilot asks if there is anyone else who wants a shot of Beam before he finishes the bottle.
- You look down and see a copy of "Fixing a Plane for Dummies" by the mechanic's feet!!!
Buffalo Theory
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:
"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.
This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
An old blind cowboy wanders in
An old blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake…He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, ‘Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?’
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, ‘Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
The bouncer is a blonde girl with a ‘Billy-Club’.
I’m a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
‘Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy... Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?’
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,
‘No...not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times...’
17 how to be be Politically Correct Jokes
How to be Politically Correct when talking about Men (Or Army Men)
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He does not have a beer gut...
He has developed a Liquid Grain Storage Facility.(regular guys)
He has a personal war reserve stock.(army guys)
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He is not quiet...
He is a Conversational Minimalist.
He is a SAMS grad.
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He is not stupid...
He suffers from Minimal Cranial Development.
He is a field grade.
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He does not get lost all the time...
He discovers Alternative Destinations.
He gets temporarily misoriented.
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He is not balding...
He is in Follicle Regression.
He has a REALLY squared away high and tight.
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He is not a cradle robber...
He prefers Generationally Differential Relationships.
He is breaking the new fraternization policies.
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He does not get falling-down drunk...
He becomes Accidentally Horizontal.
He practices his IMTs in the club.
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He is not short...
He is Anatomically Compact.
He suffers from a Napoleon Complex.
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He does not have a rich daddy...
He is a Recipient of Parental Asset Infusion.
He has the Army as a hobby.
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He does not constantly talk about cars...
He has a Vehicular Addiction.
He must be a Transporter.
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He does not have a hot body...
He is Physically Combustible.
He is a PT stud.
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He is not unsophisticated...
He is Socially Challenged.
He is a Ranger.
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He does not eat like a pig...
He suffers from Reverse Bulimia.
He eats like a Ranger student at Pizza Hut.
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He is not a bad dancer...
He is Overly Caucasian.
He is from the Muddy Boots Army.
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He does not hog the blankets...
He is Thermally Unappreciative.
He is a Blue Falcon.
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He is not a male chauvinist pig...
He has Swine Empathy.
He must be combat arms.
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He is not afraid of commitment...
He is Monogamously Challenged.
He loves TDY.
Funniest Joke of The Fringe of year 2019 + nine shortlisted
I keep randomly shouting out 'Broccoli' and 'Cauliflower'-I think I might have florets.
Author: Swedish comedian Olaf Falafel.
The Winner of Dave's "Funniest Joke of The Fringe" of year 2019 - award with the niche culinary pun.
Ten jokes made the 2019 shortlist. Here the rest of nine are:
"Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they're happy"-Richard Stott
"What's driving Brexit? From here it looks like it's probably the Duke of Edinburgh" - Milton Jones
"A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows. I said, 'Yes, of course. - That's 20 cows'" - Jake Lambert
"A thesaurus is great. There's no other word for it" - Ross Smith
"Sleep is my favourite thing in the world. It's the reason I get up in the morning" - Ross Smith
"I accidentally booked myself onto an escapology course; I'm really struggling to get out of it" - Adele Cliff
"After learning six hours of basic semaphore, I was flagging - Richard Pulsford
"To be or not to be a horse rider, that is Equestrian" - Mark Simmons
"I've got an Eton-themed advent calendar, where all the doors are opened for me by my dad's contacts" - Ivo Graham
Photo credit: Alan Powdrill – www.alanpowdrill.com
12 Dad Jokes for National Tell A Joke Day
Monsters are not good at math.... Unless you Count Dracula.
19 had fight with 20 ... and 21
I would tell a joke about pzza, but its too cheesy
I gave away all my batteries today ... free of charge
I got a universal remote for Christmas ... well this changes everything
I had a joke about construction, but im still working on it
Did u get a haircut? No i cut them all out
Dracula doesnt have many friends because hese a pain in the neck.
I stayed up all night wondering where the Sun had gone. Then it dawned on me.
What did the sushi say to the bumble bee? Wasabi
Mountain aren't just funny, their hill areas.
I asked dad for his best dad joke, he said you.
Frog to fulfill wish
A family are driving in their car on holidays. A frog crosses the road and the husband, who is driving, is able to stop the car. He gets out and takes the frog and carries him to the side of the road.
The frog is grateful, thanks the man and tells him that he will grant him a wish.
The man says, "Please make my dog win the next dog race."
The frog asks to look at the dog, which limps out of the car. The frog notices that the dog only has three legs, it very fat, and can barely move at all so he tells the man that he thinks it is almost impossible to fulfill his wish and asks that the man will tell him another wish.
The man says, "Well, then please make my wife win the next beauty contest in the area."
The frog asks him to tell his wife to get out of the car. Wife comes out of the car and approaches the frog.
The frog turns to the man and says, "Could I please have another look at the dog?"
Few Kids Jokes
Why do bananas have to put on sunscreen before they go to the beach?
Because they might peel.
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Q: Why A snail painted an S on the top of his car?
A: So people would say “Look at that S car go!”
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Knock knock! Who’s there?
Interrupting cow.
Interrupting cow wh--MOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
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Why did the cow cross the road?
To get to the moo-vies!
found on http://girltomom.com/a-giggle/funny-jokes-for-little-kids
Bumper Stickers 18
"Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all it's students!"
"According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist."
"Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have."
"How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?"
Seen on a woman's car: "Men call us birds, we pick up worms"
"Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear."
"Give me ambiguity or give me something else."
"Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?"
"I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with sub-atomic particles."
Flea Jokes 02
What did the clean dog say to the insect?
Long time no flea!
Who rode a dog and was a confederate general during the American Civil War?
Robert E Flea!
What is the difference between a flea bitten dog and a bored visitor?
Ones going to itch and the other is itching to go!
What do you call a cheerful flea?
A hop-timist!
What did the idiot do to the flea in his ear?
Shot it!
What did one flea say to the other after a night out?
Shall we walk home or take a dog?
What did the romantic flea say?
I love you aw-flea!
How to fleas travel?
Itch hiking!
What is the difference between fleas and dogs?
Dogs can have fleas but fleas can't have dogs!
Why did the stupid boy wear a turlte neck sweater?
To hide his flea collar!
Centipede pet
A single guy decides life would be more fun if he had a pet.
So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house.
He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to church with me today, we will have a good time."
But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to church with me and receive blessings?"
But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me and learn about The Lord???"
A little voice came out of the box:
"I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes."
