Animal jokes (946 to 960)

 A Collection Of Insults

A brief synopsis... When you're at a loss for words but want to tell someone that he or she is stupid, remember some these quips from our collection here at Aha! Jokes.

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A few shrimps short of a barbie.
A few spoons short of a full set.
A few straws shy of a bale.
A few tiles missing from his space shuttle.
A few tiles short of a successful re-entry.
A few too many lights out in his Christmas tree.
A few volts below threshold.
A few yards short of the hole.
A flash of light, a cloud of dust, and... What was the question?
A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
A hop, skip, and jump from success, but to get there he'd have to give up chewing gum.
A kangaroo loose in her top paddock.
A lap behind the field.
A little light in his loafers. (Apparently offensive to some? Sorry.)
A looney tune.

You Might Be A College Student If…..

... you have ever price shopped for Top Ramen
.... you live in a house with three couches, none of which match.
... you consider Mac and Cheese a balanced meal.
... you have ever written a check for 45 cents.
... you get more e-mail than snail mail.
... your glass set is composed of McDonald's Extra Value Meal Plastic Cups
... your underwear supply dictates the time between laundry loads.
... your trash is overflowing and your bank account isn't.
... you are personally keeping the local pizza place from bankruptcy.
... you wake up 10 minutes before class.
... you get more sleep in class than in your room.

A pig and a chicken were walki...

A pig and a chicken were walking by a church where a gala charity event was taking place. Getting caught up in the spirit, the pig suggested to the chicken that they each make a contribution.
"Great idea!" the chicken cried. "Let's offer them ham and eggs?"
"Not so fast," said the pig testily. "For you, that's a contribution. For me, it's a total commitment."

“What do you call it

“What do you call it when a dog eats your Birkenstocks? Sandal-ism.”

 Elephant Jokes 13

Why did the elephant walk on two feet?
To give the ants a chance!

Why do elephants have trunks?
Because they've no pockets to put things in!

Why did the elephant jump in the lake when it began to rain?
To stop getting wet!

What do elephants do in the evenings?
Watch elevision!

How to elephants talk to each other?
By 'elephone!

What did the zoo keeper say when he saw four elephants walking over the hill towards him wearing sunglasses?
Nothing, he didn't recognize them!

When do elephants have 8 feet?
When there are two of them!

What did the elephant say to the famous detective?
It's ele-mentary, my dear Sherlock!

Zoo Keeper:"I've lost one of my elephants"
Other Zoo Keeper:"Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"
Zoo Keeper:"Don't be silly, he can't read!"
What do you do if you find a blue elephant?
Try and cheer him up!

Indian Chief 'Two Eagles' wa

Indian Chief 'Two Eagles' was asked by a white governmentofficial, 'You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen hiswars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and thedamage he's done.'
The Chief nodded in agreement.
The official continued, 'Considering all these events, inyour opinion, where did the white man go wrong?'
The Chief stared at the government official for over aminute and then calmly replied.'When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes,no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water. Women did all thework, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; allnight having sex.' Then the chief leaned back and smiled. 'Only white mandumb enough to think he could improve system like that.'
TOUGH TO ARGUE WITH THIS ONE

My wife only has sex with me f

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used meto time an egg.
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!
My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, andjust as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did yousee the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."
Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." Iwent over. Nobody was home!
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.
If it weren't for pick-pocketers, I'd have no sex life at all.
I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No,I hate myself now."
I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That'swhen you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comesoff.
I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sexoffenders.
My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
I was such an ugly baby,when I was born the Doctor slapped myMother.
I went to see my DR, DR.Vinnie Goomba. He asked if I had thisbefore? I said yes. He said well you got it again.
I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested formooning.
The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked"Why?".He said "Because you came home early."
My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.
I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear theFruit- of-the-Loom guys giggling.
At my age, I'm envious of a stiff wind.
My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.
My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me fromChicago last night.

 Monthly Overall Work Evaluation

Name: _____________________
Date: _______________
___________________
KNOWLEDGE:
__ Really knows what he's doing.
__ Knows just enough to be dangerous.
__ Only half a brain and is dangerous.
__ His coffee cup has a higher I.Q.
___________________
ACCURACY:
__ Does excellent work is not preoccupied.
__ Pretty good accuracy with large numbers.
__ Must take off shoes to count above ten.
__ What's a number?
___________________
ATTITUDE:
__ Extremely co-operative.
__ Brown noser in good standing.
__ Often annoys co-workers and fights.
__ Doesn't care, never did, never will.
___________________
RELIABILE:
__ Works so hard he gets extra days off.
__ Very dependable.
__ Rely on his being first one out the door.
__ Absolutely totally worthless.
___________________
APPEARANCE:
__ Extremely neat and clean.
__ Looks great on his day off.
__ Flies take him over fresh manure.
__ Dirt, filthy, smelly, and ugly.
___________________
PERFORMANCE:
__ Works hard if money is involved.
__ Does great work--at evaluation time.
__ Works well after ten cups of coffee.
__ Couldn't do less if he were in a coma.
___________________
LEADERSHIP:
__ Carries chainsaw and gets good results.
__ Macho attitude. Commands total disgust.
__ One time some listened to him whine.
__ Unable to lead even the most ignorant.
___________________
I understand that I have been counseled and understand
my rights under the privacy act of 1974. I further
acknowledge that I am as stupid as a football bat,
and I will make some attempt to correct my deficiencies.
_______________________________________
Employee signature

It had taken him several month

It had taken him several months, but the executive vice president had finally persuaded his new secretary to bend over the back of his leather couch and allow him to have sex with her that way.
"And just where have you been until this hour?" demanded his wife, when the wayward husband finally arrived home.
"Down at the office," he replied, "working like a dog."

The young couple invited their

The young couple invited their aged parson for Sunday dinner.
While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having.
"Goat," the little boy replied.
"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?"
"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Pa say to Ma, 'Might as well have the old goat for dinner today as any other day.'"

THE ARAB DOG VS. THE ISRAELI DOG

The Israelis and Arabs realized that, if they continued fighting, they would someday end up destroying the whole world.
So, they decided to settle their dispute with an ancient practice: a duel of two, like David and Goliath. This 'duel' would be a dog fight.
The negotiators agreed each side would take 5 years to develop the best fighting dog they could. The dog that won the fight would earn its people the right to rule the disputed areas. The losing side would have to lay down its arms for good.
The Arabs found the biggest, meanest Dobermans and Rottweilers in the world. They bred them together and then crossed their offspring with the meanest Siberian wolves.
They selected only the biggest, strongest puppy of each litter, fed it the best food and killed all the other puppies.
They used steroids and trainers in their quest for the perfect killing machine.
After the 5 years were up, they had a dog that needed steel prison bars on its cage. Only expert trainers could handle this incredibly nasty and ferocious beast.
When the day of the big dog-fight finally arrived, the Israelis showed up with a very strange-looking animal, a Dachshund that was 10 feet long!
Everyone at the dogfight arena felt sorry for the Israelis. No one there seriously thought this weird, odd-looking animal stood any chance against the growling beast over in the Arab camp.
All the bookies took one look and predicted that the Arab dog would win in less than a minute.
As the cages were opened, the Dachshund slowly waddled toward the center of the ring.
The Arab dog leaped from its cage and charged the giant wiener-dog.
As he got to within an inch of the Israeli dog, the Dachshund opened its jaws and swallowed the Arab beast whole in one bite.
There was nothing left but a small puff of fur from the Arab killer dog's tail floating to the ground.
The stunned crowd of international observers, bookies and media personnel let out a collective gasp of disbelief and surprise.
The Arabs approached the Israelis, muttering and shaking their heads in disbelief.
'We do not understand,' said their leader, 'Our top scientists and breeders worked for 5 long years with the meanest, biggest Dobermans, Rottweilers and Siberian wolves, and they developed an incredible killing machine of a dog!'
The Israelis replied. 'Well, for 5 years, we have had a team of Jewish plastic surgeons from Boca Raton working to make an alligator look like a Dachshund.'

 Who Owns The Cows?

After his graduation from college, the son of a Spanish lawyer was considering his future. He went to his father and asked if he might be given a desk in the corner from which he could observe his father’s activities and be introduced to his father’s clients as a clerk. His observations would help him decide whether or not to become a lawyer. His father thought this was a great idea and immediately helped to set it up.
The first client the next morning was a tenant farmer--a rough man with calloused hands who was dressed in workman’s clothing. He said,
"Mr. Lawyer, I work for the Gonzales farm on the east side of town. For many years I have tended their crops and animals, including some cows. I have raised the cows, fed them and looked after them. And I was always given the understanding and the belief that I was the owner of these cows. Now Mr. Gonzales has died and his son has inherited the farm. He believes that since the cows were raised on his land and ate his hay, the cows are his. In short, we are in dispute over who owns the cows."
The lawyer said, "Thank you. I have heard enough. I will take your case. Don't worry about the cows!"
The next client to come in, a young and well-dressed young man, was obviously a landowner. He said, "My name is Gonzales and I own a farm on the east side of town. We have a tenant farmer who has worked for my family for many years, tending crops and the animals, including some cows. I believe the cows belong to me because they were raised on my land and were fed my hay. But the tenant farmer believes they are his because he raised them and cared for them. In short, we are in dispute over who owns the cows."
The lawyer said, "Thank you. I have heard enough. I will take your case. Don't worry about the cows!"
After the client left, the lawyer’s son could not help but express his concern. "Father, I know very little about the law, but it seems we have a very serious problem concerning these cows."
"Don’t worry about the cows!" the lawyer said. "The cows will be ours!"

Brand new Christmas cracker jokes

1. What does Donald Trump do after he pulls a cracker?

Pays her off

Voted the best new Christmas cracker joke of 2018, author:Edinburgh teacher, Michael Hughes, 37 - the winner of the competition run by TV Channel Gold.

2. Why is Theresa May encouraging board games at Christmas?

Because she’s trying to bring back Chequers

3. Why has Debenhams been forced to cancel its Christmas nativity play?

No prophet

4. What does Philip Green buy former employees for Christmas?

Their silence

5. When do sheep practice their new dance?

While shepherds watched them floss by night

6. What’s the difference between the Love Island villa and the stable where Jesus was born?

The stable has had some wise men in it

7. Why does Kim Kardashian hate Christmas so much?

She’s always the butt of the Christmas cracker jokes

8. What is Meghan buying Harry, William and Charles for Christmas?

Suits

9. Why was everyone hungover after Roxanne Pallett’s Christmas Party?

She misjudged the strength of the punch

10. Why did Donald Trump invite Kanye West round to help with his Christmas presents?

Because Kanye is Trump’s favourite wrapper

11. What’s the biggest complaint about Network Rail’s Christmas seasoning?

They keep changing the thyme

12. Why has Boris Johnson bought mistletoe this year?

Because he’s tired of being in the single market

13.  What’s the only thing that goes on longer than Christmas?

Harry and Meghan’s wedding preacher

14.  What did Banksy serve with his Christmas turkey?  

Shred sauce

Jokes seen first on:https://www.independent.ie/

 Robert Schmidt 05

Droughts are because God didn't pay his water bill.
Is "tired old cliche" one?
if you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.
Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "what for?"
Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.
In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.
I Xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.
I Xeroxed my watch. Now I can give away free watches.

The teacher was telling her 4t

The teacher was telling her 4th grade class about today's lesson.
"I'll say a letter of the alphabet and you give me a word that starts with that letter. Let's begin. A"
All the children raise their hands, but little Johnny was almost coming out of his seat trying to get picked. The teacher knew Johnny had a filthy mouth and thought to herself that if she picked Johnny, he would give her a word like 'ass' or 'asshole'. She picked Wendy, and Wendy said "apple".
"Very good", said the teacher, "now B".
Johnny was jumping out of his seat again, but the teacher picked Bobby. Bobby said "ball".
This went on and on with Johnny trying to get picked for each letter and the teacher knowing there was a dirty word for it. Then she got to "R". Nobody but Johnny had their hands up.
The teacher thought and thought and couldn't think of a bad word that started with "R". So she picked Johnny.
Johnny stands up and says: "R...Rat...a big, fat, fuckin' Rat!"