Animal jokes (1081 to 1095)

If Noah Built an Ark in 2011

And lo, in the year 2011, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said:"Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.""Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans."He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard, but there was no ark."Noah! I'm about to start the rain! Where is the ark?""Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed.""I needed a building permit.""I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system.""My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.""Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.""Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl.""I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls, but no go!""When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.""Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.""I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.""Immigration and Naturalization are checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work.""The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with ark-building experience."To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.""So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."Suddenly, the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?""No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."

A Russian woman married an Eng

A Russian woman married an English gentleman and they lived happily ever after in London.
However, the poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband.
The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries. One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. The butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.
The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn't know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts! The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts.
The third day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...
What were you thinking?
Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English!

 Buy Alligator Shoes

A man was on holiday in the depths of Louisiana, where he tried to buy some Alligator shoes. However he was not prepared to pay the high prices, and after having failed to haggle the vendor down to a reasonable price level, ended up shouting "I don't give two hoots for your shoes man, I'll go and kill my own "croc!," to which the shopkeeper replied, "by all means, just watch out for those two "ole boys" who are doing the same!".
So the man went out into the Bayou, and after a while saw two men with spears, standing still in the water. 'They must be the 'ole boys' he thought. Just at that point he noticed an alligator moving in the water towards one of them. The guy stood completely passive, even as the gator came ever closer.
Just as the beast was about to swallow the him, he struck home with his spear and wrestled the gator up onto the beach, where several already laying Together the two guys threw the gator onto its back, where-upon one exclaimed "Darn! This one doesn't have any shoes either!".

This guy was so lonely that he...

This guy was so lonely that he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.
After some discussion he finally bought a centipede (100-leg bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house.
He took the box home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar for a drink. So, he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's place with me and have a beer?"
But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again,"How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?"
But again there was no answer from his new friend and pet.So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time, this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?"
A little voice came out of the box:
"I heard you the first time! I'm putting my shoes on!"

 Bird Jokes 02

Q: What do parrots eat?

A: Polyfilla!

Q: What do you give a sick bird?

A: Tweetment!

Q: What bird tastes just like butter?

A: A stork!

Q: What's another name for a clever duck?

A: A wise quacker!

Q: Which bird is always out of breath?

A: A puffin!

Q: What's got six legs and can fly long distances?

A: Three swallows!

Q: What is a duck's favorite TV show?

A: The feather forecast!

Q: What do you get if you cross a parrot with a shark?

A: A bird that will talk you ear off!

Q: What do you call a crate of ducks?

A: A box of quackers!

A Talk Between God and Adam

GOD said: 'Adam, I want you to do something for me.”
“Gladly, Lord,” replied Adam. “What do you want me to do?”
“Go down into the valley.”
“What’s the valley?” asked Adam.
God explained to him, then said: “Cross the river.”
“What’s a river?”
God explained it to him, and then continued: “Go over the hill.”
“What's a hill?”
God explained to Adam what a hill was, then said: “On the other side of the hill, you will find a cave.”
“What?’s a cave?”
After God explained, he said: “In the cave, you will find a woman.”
Adam asked, “What?’s a woman?”
So God explained that to him too. He continued: “I want you to reproduce.” “How do I do that?”
“Jeez!” God muttered under his breath. He then sighed and explained the birds and the bees to Adam.
Adam liked that concept very much, so he went down into the valley, across the river, over the hill and into the cave where he found a woman.
A little while later, Adam returned and said: “Lord…  What’s a headache?”

 Actual Science Tests Report...

These are reputedly real answers to questions on science tests.
When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
Water is composed of two gins, oxygin and hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.
Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state.
When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire.
Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars.
Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.
The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.
For fainting: Rub the person's chest, or, if it's a lady, rub her arm above the hand. Or put her head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor.
Equator: a menagerie lion running around Earth through Africa.
Rhubarb: a kind of celery gone bloodshot.
The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is so that there is something to hitch the meat to.
To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain. The borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five - A, E, I, O, and U.

My Wife a Chicken

A man runs to the doctor and says, "Doctor, you've got to help me. My wife thinks she's a chicken!"
The doctor asks, "How long has she had this condition?"
"Two years," says the man.
"Then why did it take you so long to come and see me?" asked the shrink.
The man shrugs his shoulders and replies, "We needed the eggs."

Little Johnny attended a horse

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horses' legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Pop, why are you doing that?"
"Because I'm thinking of buying these horses."
Johnny looked worried, "Then I think we'd better hurry home right away!"
"Why?" his father asked.
"Because the milkman stopped by yesterday, and I think he wants to buy Mom!"

 Scary Collection 39

A skeleton joke
What happened to the skeleton that was attacked by a dog?
He ran off with some bones and didn't leave him with a leg to stand on!
A werewolf joke
Where does the werewolf sit in the cinema?
Anywhere he wants to!

A ghost joke
How do ghosts like their drinks?
Ice ghoul!

A skeleton joke
What's a skeleton's favorite pop group?
Boney M!

A vampire joke
Why do vampires like school dinners?
Because they know they won't get stake!

A skeleton joke
Why did the skeleton stay out in the snow all night?
He was a numbskull!

A werewolf joke
I used to be a werewolf but I'm alright nooooooooooooowwwww!

 English Language

The English Language
Have you ever wondered why foreigners have trouble with the English Language?
Let's face it
English is a stupid language.
There is no egg in the eggplant
No ham in the hamburger
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England
French fries were not invented in France.
We sometimes take English for granted
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
Quicksand takes you down slowly
Boxing rings are square
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
If writers write, how come fingers don't fing.
If the plural of tooth is teeth
Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth
If the teacher taught,
Why didn't the preacher praught.
If a vegetarian eats vegetables
What the heck does a humanitarian eat!?
Why do people recite at a play
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and
Drive on parkways
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
Of a language where a house can burn up as
It burns down
And in which you fill in a form
By filling it out
And a bell is only heard once it goes!
English was invented by people, not computers
And it reflects the creativity of the human race
(Which of course isn't a race at all)
That is why
When the stars are out they are visible
But when the lights are out they are invisible
And why it is that when I wind up my watch
It starts
But when I wind up this observation,
It ends.

American-Yiddish Dictionary

JEWBILATION - Pride in finding out that one's favorite celebrity is Jewish. TORAHFIED - Inability to remember one's lines at one's Bar or Bat mitzvah. CHUTZPAPA - A father who wakes his wife at 4:00 AM so she can change the baby's diaper. DISORIYENTA - When Aunt Sadie gets lost in a department store and strikes up a conversation with everyone she passes. MISHPOCHAMARKS - The assorted lipstick and make-up stains found on one's face and collar after kissing all one's aunts and cousins at a reception. ROSH HASHANANA - A rock 'n roll band from Brooklyn. FEELAWFUL - Indigestion from eating Israeli street food. KINDERSCHLEP - To transport other kids in your car besides yours. OYVAYSMEAR - What one says when the cream cheese squeezes out of the bagel and falls on your clean pants. JEWDO - A traditional form of self-defense based on talking one's way out of a tight spot.

Adam & Eve – A Love Story

Adam and Eve said, 'Lord when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.' And God said I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you so that you will love me even when you cannot see me.
Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable, you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve
And it was a good animal and God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.
And Adam said, 'Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.'
And God said, 'I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.
And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.
And they were comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, 'Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well'
And God said I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.'
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.
And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the Supreme Beings.
And Adam and Eve learned humility. And they were greatly improved.
And God was pleased. And Dog was happy.
And the Cat  ....  didn't give a shit one way or the other…….

A tourist was admiring the nec

A tourist was admiring the necklace worn by a local Indian.
"What is it made of?" she asked.
"Alligator's teeth," the Indian replied.
"I suppose," she said patronizingly, "that they mean as much to you as pearls do to us."
"Oh no," he objected. "Anybody can open an oyster."

An out-of-towner drove his car

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditchin a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmercame to help with his big strong horse namedBuddy.
He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled,"Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move.
Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!"Buddy didn't respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco,pull!" Nothing.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy,pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car outof the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and verycurious. He asked the farmer why he called hishorse by the wrong name three times.
"Well... Buddy is blind and if he thought hewas the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"