Animal jokes (1456 to 1470)

What guys really mean...

'I'm going fishing.'
Really means... 'I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid
and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish
swim by in complete safety.'

'It's a guy thing.'
Really means.... 'There is no rational thought pattern
connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making
it logical.'

'Can I help with dinner?'
Really means... 'Why isn't it already on the table?'

'Uh huh,' 'Sure, honey,' or 'Yes, dear.'
Really means... Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned
response.

'It would take too long to explain.'
Really means... 'I have no idea how it works.'

'I'm getting more exercise lately.'
Really means... 'The batteries in the remote are dead.'

'We're going to be late.'
Really means... 'Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like
a maniac.'

'Take a break, honey, you're working too hard.'
Really means....'I can't hear the game over the vacuum
cleaner.'

'That's interesting, dear.'
Really means... 'Are you still talking?'

'Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love.'
Really means... 'I forgot our anniversary again.'

'You expect too much of me.'
Really means... 'You want me to stay awake?'

'That's women's work.'
Really means... 'It's difficult, dirty, and thankless.'

'You know how bad my memory is.'
Really means... 'I remember the theme song to 'F Troop',
the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle
Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I
forgot your birthday.'

'Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal.'
Really means... 'I have severed a limb, but will bleed to
death before I admit I'm hurt.'

'I do help around the house.'
Really means... 'I once put a dirty towel in the laundry
basket.'

'Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing.'
Really means... 'I sure hope I think of some reasons pretty
soon.'

'I can't find it.'
Really means... 'It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so
I'm completely clueless.'

'What did I do this time?'
Really means... 'What did you catch me doing?'

'I heard you.'
Really means... 'I haven't the foggiest clue what you just
said, and I'm hoping desperately that I can fake it well
enough so that you don't spend the next days yelling at
me.'

'You look terrific.'
Really means... 'Oh, God, please don't try on one more
outfit. I'm starving.'

'I missed you.'
Really means... 'I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are
hungry and we are out of toilet paper.'

'I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are.'
Really means... 'I'm lost. I have no idea where we are,
and no one will ever see us alive again.'

'We share the housework.'
Really means... 'I make the messes, you clean them up.'

'This relationship is getting too serious.'
Really means... 'You're cutting into the time I spend with
my truck.'

'I don't need to read the instructions.'
Really means... 'I am perfectly capable of screwing it up
without printed help.'

 I Get No Respect 02

"I worked in a pet store and people kept asking how big I'd get."
"I remember the time I was kidnaped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof."
"My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair."
I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing."
"Once when I was lost.. I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him...Do you think we'll ever find them.? He said..I don't know kid.. there are so many places they can hide."
"I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor... so they sent a priest up to talk to me. He said.. On your mark..."
"On Halloween..the parents send their kids out looking like me. Last year.. one kid tried to rip my face off! Now it's different.. when I answer the door the kids hand me candy."
"I had a lot of pimples too. One day I fell asleep in a library. I woke up and a blind man was reading my face."
"My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday"

The check-up...

A four year old was at the pediatrician for a check up. As the doctor looked down her ears with an otoscope, he asked, "Do you think I'll find Big Bird in here?"

The little girl stayed silent.

Next, the doctor took a tongue depressor and looked down her throat. He asked, "Do you think I'll find the Cookie Monster down there?"

Again, the little girl was silent.

Then the doctor put a stethoscope to her chest. As he listened to her heart beat, he asked, "Do you think I'll hear Barney in there?"

"Oh, no!" the little girl replied. "Jesus is in my heart. Barney's on my underpants!

 California Crazy Law

Sunshine is guaranteed to the masses.

Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship.

Many animals are illegal to own as pets, including snails, sloths, and elephants.

Bathhouses are against the law.

In an animal shelter, lizards and snakes are treated under the same guidelines as cats and dogs.

No vehicle without a driver may exceed 60 miles per hour.

Women may not drive in a house coat.

It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale.

Arcadia

Peacocks have the right of way to cross any street, including driveways.

Alhambra

You cannot leave your car on the street overnight without the proper permit.

Baldwin Park

Nobody is allowed to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool.

Belvedere

City Council order reads: "No dog shall be in a public place without its master on a leash."

Blythe

You are not permitted to wear cowboy boots unless you already own at least two cows.

Burlingame

It is illegal to spit, except on baseball diamonds.

Carmel

Ice cream may not be eaten while standing on the sidewalk. (Repealed when Clint Eastwood was mayor)

Women may not wear high heels while in the city limits.

Chico

Detonating a nuclear device within the city limits results in a $500 fine.

Downey

It is illegal to wash your car in the street. (Passed 1995).

Hollywood

It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood Boulevard at one time.

Lafayette

You are forbidden to spit on the ground within 5 feet of another person.

Lodi

It is illegal to own or sell "Silly String".

Lompoc

It is illegal to posses, own or raise roosters. This is considered disturbing the peace.

Long Beach

It is illegal to curse on a mini-golf course.

Cars are the only item allowed in a garage.

Los Angeles

Toads may not be licked.

You may not hunt moths under a street light.

It is a crime for dogs to mate within 500 yards of a church. Breaking this law is punishable by a fine of $500 and/or six months in prison.

You cannot bathe two babies in the same tub at the same time.

Zoot suits are prohibited.

It is illegal to cry on the witness stand.

It is illegal for a man to beat his wife with a strap wider than 2 inches without her consent.

Ontario

Roosters may not crow in the city limits.

Pacific Grove

Molesting butterflies can result in a $500 fine.

Palm Springs

It is illegal to walk a camel down Palm Canyon Drive between the hours of four and six PM.

Pasadena

It is illegal for a secretary to be alone in a room with her boss.

Prunedale

Two bathtubs may not be installed in the same house.

Redlands

Motor vehicles may not drive on city streets unless a man with a lantern is wallking ahead of it.

Riverside

One may not carry a lunch down the street between 11 and 1 o'clock.

San Diego

The owners of houses with Christmas lights on them past February second may be fined up to $250.

It is illegal to shoot jackrabbits from the back of a streetcar.

San Francisco

Persons classified as "ugly" may not walk down any street.

Prohibits elephants from strolling down Market Street unless they are on a leash.

It is illegal to pile horse manure more than six feet high on a street corner.

It is illegal to wipe one's car with used underwear.

San Jose

It is illegal to have more than two cats or dogs. -Ord. 7.08.595

Santa Monica

You may not play percussion instruments on the beach.

Temecula

Ducks have the right of way to cross Rancho California St. at all times.

#joke #christmas #animal #cat #dog #horse #snake #snail #sheep #cow #lizard #rooster #whale #pet #elephant #camel #food #lunch #sport #golf #swimming #baseball #cowboy

The teacher was describing the

The teacher was describing the dolphin and its habits.
"And, children, "she said impressively, "a single dolphin will have two thousand offspring."
"Goodness!" gasped a little girl in the back row. "And how about married ones?"

 Good To Be French

Top reasons why it's great to be French

1. Yet to experience the joy of winning the world cup for the first time
   
2. You get to eat insect food like snails and frog's legs
   
3. If there's a war you can surrender really early
   
4. You don't have to read the subtitles on those late night films on Channel 4.
   
5. You can test your own nuclear weapons in other people's countries
   
6. You can be ugly and still become a famous film star
   
7. Allow Germans to march up and down your most famous street humiliating your sense of national pride
   
8. People think you're a great lover even when you're not
   

Three old men

Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily dysfunctions.

One 75-year-old man says: "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at 7 a.m. and it takes me 20 minutes to pee."

An 80-year-old man says: "My case is worse. I get up at 8 a.m. and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement."

The 90-year-old man says: "Not me. At 7 a.m. I pee like a horse and at 8 a.m. I crap like a cow."

"So what's your problem?" asked the others.

"I don't wake up until 9:00."

The Good, the Bad and the U...

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly
Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them.
Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them.
Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.
Good: Your son's finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.
Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.
Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She's a lawyer.
Good: The postman's early.
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47.
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas.
Good: Your daughter got a new job.
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients.
Way ugly: She makes more money than you do.
Good: Your son is dating someone new.
Bad: It's another man.
Ugly: He's you're best friend.
Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets.
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.

 Seashore With Family

A doctor was vacationing at the seashore with his family.
Suddenly, he spotted a fin sticking up in the water and fainted.
"Darling, it was just a shark," assured his wife when he came to.
"You've got to stop imagining that there are lawyers everywhere."

True story: I invented a singi

True story: I invented a singing beer, went on Shark Tank to get funding, but instead was met with a chorus of booze.

“Lack of ram may prec

“Lack of ram may preclude rack of lamb.”

This is true !! It details wha

This is true !! It details what to do if an anaconda attacks you.Excerpt is from the US Government Peace Corps Manual for volunteers working in the Amazon Jungle.
Related to the boa constrictor, the anaconda is the largest snake species in the world. It grows to thirty-five feet in length and weighs 300 to 400 pounds.
1. If you are attacked by an anaconda, do not run. The snake is faster than you are.
2. Lie flat on the ground. Put your arms tight against your sides, your legs tight against one another.
3. Tuck your chin in.
4. The snake will begin to nudge and climb over your body.
5. Do not panic.
6. After the snake has examined you, it will begin to swallow you from the feet end - always from the feet end. Permit the snake to swallow your feet and ankles. Do not panic!
7. The snake will now begin to suck your legs into its body. You must lie perfectly still. This will take a long time.
8. When the snake has reached your knees, slowly and with as little movement as possible, reach down, take your knife and very gently slide it into the side of the snake's mouth between the edge of its mouth and your leg, then suddenly rip upwards, severing the snake's head.
9. Be sure you have your knife.
10. Be sure your knife is sharp.

An aged farmer and his wife we

An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their Golden Wedding Anniversary.
"Let's have a big party, Homer," she suggested. "You'll need to kill a pig."
The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Gee, Ethel," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago."

Two men are approaching each o...

Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk.
As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969."
The other points his thumb behind him and says, "Dog doo, 20 feet back."

Jesus Visits After the Resurrection

This story cannot be found in the scriptures, but it is told that after his resurrection, Jesus appeared to an old fisherman. "I am Jesus and I have returned to show God's love and power.""No, you're not Jesus. Go away! You're scaring all the fish," answered the old fisherman. "I see you are full of doubt. What would you have me do to show who I am?" "Walk across the river," the old fisherman tells Jesus. Jesus starts walking across the river, but he sinks and disappears under the water. After he swims back to shore, the old fisherman says to him, "See, you're not Jesus. You can't walk on water!" Jesus responds, "Well, I used to be able to do it, but then I got these holes in my feet!" From EasterHumor.com