Bacon jokes (76 to 90)Jokes about bacons. These are the jokes listed 76 to 90. |
Things we would never know without going to the movies...
During all police investigations it will benecessary to visit a strip club at least once.
All telephone numbers in America begin with
the digits 555.
Most dogs are immortal.
If being chased through town, you can usually
take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day
parade - at any time of the year.
All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets
which reach up to the armpit level on a woman
but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
All grocery shopping bags contain at least one
stick of French Bread.
It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing
there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even
while scuba diving
The ventilation system of any building is the
perfect hiding place. No-one will ever think of
looking for you in there and you can travel to
any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
If you need to reload your gun, you will always
have more ammunition -even if you haven't
been carrying any before now.
You're very likely to survive any battle in any
war unless you make the mistake of showing
someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
Should you wish to pass yourself off as a
German officer, it will not be necessary to
speak the language. Even a bad German accent will do.
If your town is threatened by an imminent
natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first
concern will be the tourist trade or his
forthcoming art exhibition.
The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any
window in Paris.
A man will show no pain while taking the most
ferocious beating but will wince when a woman
tries to clean his wounds.
If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will
be thrown through it before long.
When paying for a taxi, don't look at your
wallet as you take out a bill just grab one at
random and hand it over. It will always be the
exact fare.
Interbreeding is genetically possible with any
creature from elsewhere in the universe.
Kitchens don't have light switches. When
entering a kitchen at night, you should open the
fridge door and use that light instead.
If staying in a haunted house, women should
investigate any strange noises in their most
revealing underwear.
Word processors never display a cursor on
screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.
Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and
waffles for their family every morning even
though their husband and children never have
time to eat it.
Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
The Chief of Police will always suspend his star
detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job.
A single match will be sufficient to light up a
room the size of RFK Stadium.
Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
Although in the 20th century it is possible to
fire weapons at an object out of our visual
range, people of the 23rd century will have lost
this technology.
Any person waking from a nightmare will sit
bolt upright and pant.
It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye
when beginning or ending phone conversations.
Even when driving down a perfectly straight
road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel
vigorously from left to right every few moments.
All bombs are fitted with electronic timing
devices with large red readouts so you know
exactly when they're going to go off.
It is always possible to park directly outside
any building you are visiting.
A detective can only solve a case once he has
been suspended from duty.
If you decide to start dancing in the street,
everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
Most laptop computers are powerful enough to
override the communication systems of any
invading alien civilization (especially a
Macintosh snicker, snicker!!)).
It d
How to tell a person is lying ...
How to tell a person is lying when they say they're Jewish..."So where on this menu is the bacon?"
"I thought they said not to wear hats in the synagogue"
They're reading and pronounce the word synagogue like it's spelled...and they're 30!
They keep pointing out how much they love that Star of Christ.
They name their child (or they are named) Christian
Don't know what a bar-mitzvah is...
Tanjooberrymutts
By the time you read through this you wil understand 'TANJOOBERRYMUTTS'The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service in a hotel ...
Room Service : "Morrin. Roon sirbees."
Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."
Room Service: " Rye . Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen???"
Guest: "Uh..... Yes, I'd like to order bacon and eggs."
Room Service: "Ow ulai den?"
Guest: ".....What??"
Room Service: "Ow ulai den?!?... Pryed, boyud , pochd?"
Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry..Scrambled, please."
Room Service: "Ow ulai dee bayken? Creepse?"
Guest: "Crisp will be fine."
Room Service: "Hokay. Ansahn toes?"
Guest: "What?"
Room Service: "An toes. ulaisahn toes?"
Guest: "I.... Don't think so.."
RoomService: "No? Udo wan sahn toes???"
Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'udo wan sahn toes' means."
RoomService: "Toes! Toes!...WhyUoo donwan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we botter?"
Guest: "Oh, English muffin! !! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'... Fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
RoomService: "We botter?"
Guest: "No, just put the botter on the side."
RoomService: "Wad?!?"
Guest: "I mean butter... Just put the butter on the side."
RoomService: "Copy?"
Guest: "Excuse me?"
RoomService: "Copy...tea.. meel?"
Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please... And that's everything."
RoomService: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, creepse bayken, Anglish moppin, we botter on sigh and copy ... Rye ??"
Guest: "Whatever you say."
RoomService: "Tanjooberrymutts."
Guest: "You're welcome"
Remember I said "By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND 'TANJOOBERRYMUTTS'
Truck Stop
A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and pair of running boards."The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?"
"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon."
"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?"
She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"
Can Cold Water Clean Dishes?
John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Saskatchewan. After spending a great evening chatting the night away, the next morning John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. John noticed a film like substance on his plate,and questioned his grandfather asking, 'Are these plates clean?'His grandfather replied, 'They're as clean as cold water can get ‘em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!'
For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates, as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, 'Are you sure these plates are clean?'
Without looking up the old man said, 'I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!'
Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass. John yelled and said, 'Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car'.
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted! 'Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!'
Question A Drunk
Why You Should Never, Ever, Question A Drunk...I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
A head of lettuce
A 2 lb. can of coffee
A 1 lb. package of bacon
As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single.'
I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I indeed had never found Mr. Right.
I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of me, I said , 'Yes you are correct. But how on earth did you know that?'
The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.
A man was at a bar one night a...
A man was at a bar one night and saw a beautiful redhead sitting in the booth opposite him. After about 5 minutes, he got up the guts to go talk to her. Just as he sat down, she sneezed and her glass eye flew out from her socket.On reflex, the guy shot out his arm and caught her eye and gave it back to her. They started talking and the redhead invited the man to go to a movie with her, then go back to her place for a nightcap.
In the morning, she cooked him a big breakfast of bacon and eggs and the man said, "Why are you being incredibly nice to me? Is this the way you treat all men who start talking to you?"
The redhead replied, "No, you just happened to catch my eye!"
Education for women
Continuing Education Courses for WomenSilence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before.
The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits.
Parties: Going Without New Outfits.
Man Management: Discover How Minor Household Chores Can Wait Until After the Game.
Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too.
Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor Is His.
Valuation: Just Because It's Not Important to You . . .
Communication Skills I: Tears-The Last Resort, Not the First.
Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking.
Communication Skills III: Getting What You Want, Without Nagging.
Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire.
Party Etiquette: Drinking Your Fair Share.
Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up.
Introduction to Parking.
Advanced Parking: Reversing Into A Space.
Overcoming Anal Retentive Behavior: Leaving the Towels on the Floor.
Water retention: Fact or Fat.
Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter.
Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not For Human Consumption.
Cooking III: How Not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People.
Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully.
Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To.
Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have.
Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice.
Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together.
Ballet: For Women Only.
Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both.
Appreciating the Humor of the Three Stooges.
"Do These Jeans Make Me Look Fat?" - Why Men Lie.
TV Remotes: For Men Only.
Tenjewberrymuds
The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review:Room Service (RS): "Morrin. Roon sirbees."
Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."
RS: "Rye..Roon sirbees..morrin! Jewish to oddor sunteen??"
G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs."
RS: "Ow July den?"
G: "What??"
RS: "Ow July den?...pryed, boyud, poochd?"
G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."
RS: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"
G: "Crisp will be fine."
RS : "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"
G: "What?"
RS:"An toes. July Sahn toes?"
G: "I don't think so."
RS: "No? Judo wan sahn toes??"
G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."
RS: "Toes! toes!...Why jew don juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"
G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
RS: "We bodder?"
G: "No...just put the bodder on the side."
RS: "Wad?"
G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."
RS: "Copy?"
G: "Excuse me?"
RS: "Copy...tea...meel?"
G: "Yes. Coffee, please, and that's all."
RS: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin we bodder on sigh and copy....rye??"
G: "Whatever you say."
RS: "Tenjewberrymuds."
G : "You're very welcome."
Couple in their nineties are b...
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically
okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them
remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his
chair.'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?'
she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write
it down, so's not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with
strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that,
write
it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember
it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for
goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,
The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of
bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says,
'Where's the toast ?'
Better write it down...
My Grandpa and Grandma were sitting on their porch swing enjoying the nice evening breeze, when Grandpa lovingly leaned over and said, "Hey Ma, I'm gonna have some ice cream, would you like some?"
"Yeah, Pa, but you'd better write it down or you'll forget", says Grandma.
Grandpa replies, "I won't forget." "Alright then", says Grandma, "I'd like nuts and whipped cream and a cherry on mine.
You'd better write that down, Pa you're gonna forget it." Disgruntled, Grandpa storms off to the kitchen mumbling that he wouldn't forget.
Well he's in there a long time, and when he finally does return, he has the best lookin' plate of scrambled eggs you ever saw. He smiles his best smile and leans over to give it to Grandma.
She just smiles back and says, "I told you that you'd better write it down, you old coot, you forgot my bacon!!!"...
Tips for Travelling in the South
--If it cant be fried in bacon grease, it aint worth eating.
-- If you run your car into a ditch, dont panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel-drive truck with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Dont try to help, just stay out of their way -- this is what they live for.
-- Dont be surprised to find boiled peanuts, movie rentals and fishing bait in the same store.
-- Remember: Yall is singular. All yall is plural. All yalls is plural possessive.
-- Dont be worried that you dont understand anyone. They dont understand you either.
-- If you hear a Southerner exclaim, Hey, yall, watch this! -- stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.
-- If you see a turn signal blinking on a car with a southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.
-- Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. They are to be positioned directly in front of ones trailer, since it cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.
-- As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember: many Southerners learned to drive on a John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for that vehicle.
-- You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, youre better off trying to find it yourself.
