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Beer jokes (151 to 165)Jokes about beer. These are the jokes listed 151 to 165. |
History began some 12,000 year
History began some 12,000 years ago.(Actually, it was 40,000 yearsago.) Humans existed as members of small bands of nomadichunter/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summerand would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in winter.The two most important events in all of history were the invention ofbeer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get manto the beer. These were the foundations of modern civilization and,together, were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into twodistinct subgroups: Liberals and Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was thebeginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can wasinvented yet, so while our early human ancestors were sittingaround waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to thebrewery. That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to barbeque atnight while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what isknown as "the Conservative movement."
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to liveoff the Conservatives by showing up for the nightly barbeques and doingthe sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was the beginning of theLiberal movement. Some of these liberal men eventually evolved intowomen. The rest became known as girlymen.
Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats,the invention of group therapy, group hugs and the concept ofDemocratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer thatConservatives provided.
Over the years, Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest,most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals aresymbolized by the jackass.
Modern Liberals like imported beer (with lime added)(& foo foocoffee), but most prefer white wine or imported, bottled water. Theyeat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and Frenchfood are standard Liberal fare.
Another interesting evolutionary side note: Most of their women havehigher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers,personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and grouptherapists are Liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rulebecause it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and stillprovide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeocowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors,police officers, corporate executives, fighter pilots, athletes andgenerally anyone who works productively outside government.Conservatives who own companies hire other Conservatives who want towork for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to "govern" theproducers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believeEuropeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of theLiberals remained in Europe when Conservatives were coming to America.They crept in after the Wild West was tame and created a business oftrying to get MORE for nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history. It should be noted that aLiberal will have an uncontrollable urge to respond to the aboveinstead of simply laughing and deleting or forwarding it.
Business One-liners 06
A stagnant science is at a standstill.
A theory is better than its explanation.
A transistor protected by a fast-acting fuse will protect the fuse by blowing first.
A well-adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without getting nervous.
Ability is a good thing but stability is even better.
Ability is like a check, it has no value unless it is cashed.
Absolutum obsoletum. (If it works, it is out of date.) - Stafford Beer
According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.
According to the official figures, 43% of all statistics are totally worthless.
Adding manpower to a late software product makes it later.
Question And Answer Blond Jokes
Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
A: Artificial intelligence.
Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a hand grenade at you?
A: Pull the pin and throw it back.
Q: What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.
Q: What does a blonde owl say?
A: What, what?
Q: What's the Blonde's cheer?
A: " I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N....ah, oh well.. I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea..."
Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
A: To see what was on the other side.
Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
A: From crawling across the street when the sign said "don't walk".
Three Little Pigs went out to
Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night.. The waiter came and took their drink order.'I would like a Sprite,' said the first little piggy.
'I would like a Coke,' said the second little piggy.
'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.
The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner
'I want a nice big steak,' said the first piggy..
'I would like the salad plate,' said the second piggy.
'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.
The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.
'I want a banana split,' said the first piggy.
'I want a cheesecake,' said the second piggy.
'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' exclaimed the third little piggy.
'Pardon me for asking,' said the waiter to the third little piggy,'
But why have you only ordered beer all evening?'
The third piggy says -
'Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!
Never buy a 'new' brand of b
Never buy a 'new' brand of beer because 'it was on sale.'If we're in the backyard and the TV in the den is on, that doesn'tmean we're not watching it.
Don't tell anyone we can't afford a new car. Tell them we don't wantone.
Whenever possible please try to say whatever you have to say duringcommercials.
Only wearing your new lingerie once does not send the message thatyou need more. It tells us lingerie is a bad investment.
Please don't drive when you're not driving.
Don't feel compelled to tell us how all the people in your storiesare related to one another: We're just nodding, waiting forthe punchline.
The quarterback who just got pummeled isn't trying to be brave.He's just not crying. Big difference!
When the waiter asks if everything's okay, a simple 'Yes' is fine. Itdoes not mean that is your chance to complain about the taste of thewater and the salsa.
What do you mean, 'leering?' She's obstructing my view.
When I ask, 'How many guys have you slept with?' It would be muchappreciated if you did not answer honestly.
When I'm turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off-ramp,saying 'Oh, this is our exit, Honey' is not really necessary.
When you're not around, I belch so loudly that I even appall myself.
The temperature in the cave will be my responsibility. It will beslightly to moderately cooler than you want it.
SportsCenter starts at 10:00 P.M. and runs one hour. This is anexcellent time for you to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer, or talkto your sister.
Is it too much to ask to have the bra match the underwear?
If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work?
You probably don't want to know what we're thinking about.
It's in neither your interest nor ours to take the Cosmo quiztogether!
A cowboy, who just moved to Wy...
A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
"Hasn't affected my brothers though."
A farmer walked into a bar and...
A farmer walked into a bar and saw the local tractor salesman sitting there, head hung low, obviouslyupset, drowning his sorrows in his beer."What's up, John?" asked the farmer. "Gosh Bob, I'll tell you what ... if I don't sell a tractor soon, I'm gonnahave to close my shop."
"Now John, things could be worse," said Bob.
"How do you figure?" asked John.
"Well, John - you know my 'ornery cow, Bessie? I went to milk her this morning and she just kept flickingher tail in my face. So I grabbed a piece of rope and tied it up to the rafter. Then, the nasty thing wentand kicked the bucket away! So I tied her leg to the wall. Then she kicked my stool right out fromunderneath me!
But I was out of rope. So I took my belt off and used it to tie her other leg to the other side of the stall.Well wouldn't you just know it...my damn pants fell down."
"And John, if you can convince my wife that I was in there to MILK that cow, I'll buy a tractor from you.
Top 10 New Years Resolutions for Men and Women
Top 10 Resolutions for Men
10. Find out why all my clothes have shrank. Again.
9. Read that book, “Stop Procrastinating” that I bought three years ago.
8. Figure out why supermodels don’t want to date plain, bald men as the media has led me to believe.
7. Prepare for the zombie apocalypse.
6. Prepare for dating supermodels in the zombie apocalypse (it could happen, right?)
5. Vamp up that eHarmony profile with some spiffy pics of ex-girlfriends half cut off in every profile picture. That’s attractive, right?
4. Mention in eHarmony how I’m a great date and can zap a zombie.
3. Stock up on beer.
2. Stock up on condoms just in case!
1. Get a job.
Top 10 New Year’s Resolutions for Women
10. Get some better outfits.
9. Hit the gym for real this year.
8. Diet.
7. Cut back on lattes.
6. Take charge.
5. Travel more!
4. Believe in myself.
3. Wear all the shoes I have bought!
2. Screen the freaks on my online dating profile.
1. Stop dating losers who are obsessed with zombies on eHarmony.
You Might Be A Redneck If...
You've ever given a set of Tupperware ice tea glasses as a wedding present.Your dungarees expose more than half of your crack in the back because the weight of your pocket knife.
Your idea of heaven involves two shotguns and a keg of beer.
You picket your horses on your lawn so you won't have to mow it.
You're wearing a camoflauge jacket and dipping in your driver's license pic.
You stop to flirt with the person running the drive through at McDonalds.
You save old kitchen appliances for target practice.
You save old kitchen appliances for children's Christmas presents.
You get up EARLY on Saturday to go yard sale shopping for entertainment.
Your gun cabinet takes up half your living room.
For those of you who have live
For those of you who have lived in Texas like Astro Zombie, or even visited, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio city park. The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".
Here are the scorecards from the advent: (Frank is Judge #3)
Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick!
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. It took me two whole beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy people.
Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.>
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from all of the beer...
Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing!
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili...
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive!
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, it could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, burning, sulphuric flames. I **** myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. I can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
Chili # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. ***I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he would have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 -- Oh God...
