Beer jokes (181 to 195)

Cowboy without a horse

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.

He goes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling.

"WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HORSE?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered.

"ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHER BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINNISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS! AND I DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse is back! He saddles-up and starts to ride out of town. The bartender wanders out of the bar and asks, "Say partner, before you go...what happened in Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

 To Do In Space Station

The Top 10 Things To Do While Confined In A Space Station

1. Roll down the window and throw beer cans at passing satellites.
   
2. Play some rather boring games of Solitaire.
   
3. Try to bust that myth of Lays Potato Chips: Betcha Can't Eat Just One!
   
   
4. Come up with as many wacky Top 10 List Topics as possible so Top 10 Boy will have work to do into the New Year.
   
5. When the NASA camera is off, dance around to "Blue Jean" by David Bowie while wearing just your space helmet.
   
6. Do what everyone else does, write out all of your postcards..mail them when you get home.
   
7. Don't move, don't touch anything and if you break something, know that you will be blamed mercilessly for it and shunned by society to a Gulag in a remote part of Northern Siberia (Russian Space Station only).
   
8. Access www.spacebabes.com on NASA's computer instead of doing those meaningless space experiments.
   
9. Call Martian Escort Service..hope like hell they take American Express.
   
10. Watch All of Pauly Shore's movies...try to find examples of humor, plot and a reason for making it.
    

Temperance

A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." He sat down.

The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: "Shall We Gather at the River."

Your house plants are alive, a

Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
You watch the Weather Channel.
Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
You're the one calling the police because those damn kids nextdoor won't turn down the stereo.
Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.
You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.
Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.
Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset,rather than settle, your stomach.
You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condomsand pregnancy tests.
A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
"I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm nevergoing to drink that much again."
90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for realwork.
You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you!!!

Blonde quickies 5

Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shirts?

A: Tits go in front.

Q: What do you say to a Blonde that won't give in?

A: "Have another beer."

Q: What do blondes do with their arseholes in the morning ?

A: Pack their lunch and send them to work.

Q: What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning?

A1: Introduces themself.

A2: Walks home.

Q: How does a blonde like her eggs in the morning?

A: Fertilised.

Q: How does a blonde like her eggs?

A: Unfertilised.

Q: What's the first thing a blonde does after sex?

A: Opens the car door.

Q: How do blondes turn the light on after sex ?

A: Kick open the car door.

Q: Why do blondes like tilt steering?

A: More head room.

Q: Why do blondes drive cars with sunroofs?

A: More leg room.

Nasty women?

Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven?

Because if they all went, it would be called hell.

How are husbands like lawn mowers?

They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.

How can you tell when a man is well hung?

When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?

Make him wear shoes.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

How many men does it take to tile a bathroom?

Two - if you slice them very thinly.

Why can't men get mad cow disease?

Because they are pigs.

What do you call a handcuffed man?

Trustworthy.

What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

How does a man show he's planning for the future?

He buys an extra case of beer.

What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis?

The man.

Why do men have a hole in their penis?

So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.

Why do men name their penises?

Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90 percent of their decisions.

Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg?

Because not one will stop and ask for directions.

What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight?

A power failure.

What should you give a man who has everything?

A woman to show him how to work it.

What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?

Four guys watching a football game.

What's the best way to force a man to do sit?ups?

Put the remote control between his toes.

What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship?

Telling you his real name.

What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man?

Big Foot has been spotted several times.

Why did God create man before woman?

He didn't want any advice.

Why did God create man before woman?

Because you need a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.

Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born?

To knock the penises off the smart ones.

Why do little boys whine?

Because they're practicing to be men.

Four old retired guys are walk...

Four old retired guys are walking down a street in London. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar - All drinks 10p." They look at each other and then go in, thinking, this is too good to be true.
The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?" There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini. In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis—shaken, not stirred—and says, "That'll be 10p each, please."
The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40p, finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying, "That's 40p, please." They pay the 40p, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a £1 yet.
Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a 10p a piece?"
"I'm a retired tailor," the bartender says, "and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for £25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs 10p. wine, liquor, beer -- it's all the same."
"Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says.
As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there.
Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the bartender, "What's with them?"
The bartender says, "They're from Scotland. They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price."

Beer drinking 101

Symptom: Feet cold and wet.
Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Action: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
Fault: Improper bladder control.
Action: Stand next to the nearest dog and complain about house training.

Symptom: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
Fault: Glass Empty
Action: Get someone to buy you another beer.

Symptom: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
Fault: You have fallen over backwards.
Action: Have yourself leashed to the bar.

Symptom: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
Fault: You have fallen forward.
Action: See above.

Symptom: Beer tasteless and the front end of your shirt is wet.
Fault: Mouth not open or glass applied to the wrong face.
Action: Retire to the restroom and practice in the mirror.

Symptom: Floor blurred.
Fault: You are looking through an empty glass.
Action: Get someone to buy you another beer.

Symptom: Floor moving.
Fault: You are being carried out.
Action: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

Symptom: Room seems unusually dark.
Fault: Bar has closed.
Action: Confirm home address with the bartender.

Symptom: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspects and textures.
Fault: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
Action: Cover mouth.

Symptom: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
Fault: Your dancing on the table.
Action: Fall on someone cushy-looking.

Symptom: Beer is crystal clear.
Fault: Someone is trying to sober you up.
Action: Punch him.

Symptom: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
Fault: You have been in a fight.
Action: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

Symptom: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
Fault: You've wandered into the wrong party.
Action: See if they have free beer.

Symptom: Your singing sounds distorted.
Fault: The beer is too weak.
Action: Have more beer until your voice improves.

Symptom: Don't remember the words to the song.
Fault: Beer is just right.
Action: Play air guitar.