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Beer jokes (421 to 435)Jokes about beer. These are the jokes listed 421 to 435. |
Short gender jokes
What is the thinnest book in the world?What men know about women!
Why don't men eat more M & M's?
They are too hard to peel!
What do you call a man with an I.Q. of 50?
Gifted!
What is the difference between men and government bonds?
Bonds mature!
Why are blond jokes so short?
So men can remember them!
What do men and beer bottles have in common?
They are both empty from the neck up!
How can you tell if a man is happy?
Who cares!
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don't know - it's never happened.
How are men and parking spots alike?
The good ones are always taken and the ones that are left are handicapped.
What's a man's idea of housework?
Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.
What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home!
What did God say after he created man?
I can do better than this!
What does a man consider a seven course meal?
A hot dog and a six pack of beer!
How do men exercise at the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
What's the best way to force a man to do situps?
Put the remote between his toes.
How do men define a 50/50 relationship?
We cook/they eat we clean/they dirty we iron/they wrinkle!
Things You Should Never Say To A Police Officer
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job!
5. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
6. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
7. Bad cop! No doughnut!
8. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
9. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
10. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on the T.V show Cops?
Tough times
A group of friends get together every Friday after work for a drink. One Friday, Jeff showed up late, sat down at the bar, and kicked back his entire first beer in one gulp.
He then turned to his pal Bob and said: "Times are getting tough, my friend. Earlier today my wife told me she's going to cut me back to only two times a week. I can't believe it!"
"You think you've got it bad?" Bob retorted: "She's cut some of us guys out altogether!"
Really funny jokes-Celebrating in Hell
The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough andturns up the heat even more. When he returns to the room of the two from Minnesota , the devil finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling Walleye and drinking beer. The devil is astonished and exclaims, 'Everyone down here is in misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves?' Sven replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve don't git too much varm veather up dere at da Falls, so ve've yust got ta haff a fish fry vhen da veather's dis nice.'
The devil is absolutely furious. He can hardly see straight. Finally he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off in Hell. The next morning, the temperature is 60 below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere, and people are shivering so bad that they are unable to wail, moan or gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the room with Ole and Sven. He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, bomber hats, and mittens. They are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men.
The devil is dumbfounded, 'I don't understand, when I turn up the heat you're happy. Now its freezing cold and you're still happy. What is wrong with you two?'
They both look at the devil in surprise and say, 'Vell, don't ya know, if hell iss froze over, dat must mean da Vikings von da Super Bowl.'
If men ran the world...
- Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.- Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack on the butt and a 'Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time' would pretty much do it.
- Birth control would come in ale or lager.
- Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.
- St. Patrick's Day would be celebrated every month.
- Garbage would take itself out.
- The only show opposite 'Monday Night Football' would be 'Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.'
- Instead of 'beer-belly,' you'd get 'beer-biceps.'
- Tanks would be far easier to rent.
- Two words... 'Ally McNaked.'
- When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in: Cop: 'You know how fast you were going?'You: 'All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place.' Cop :'Nice one, That's $10.00 off'.
- People would never talk about how fresh they felt.
- It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
- Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said 'You're #1!'
- When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
- Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to 'I love you.'
- The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
- 'Sorry I'm late, but I got wasted last night,' would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
- At the end of the workday a whistle would blow and you would jump out of your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.
- Hallmark would make 'Sorry, what was your name again?' cards.
