Beer jokes (571 to 585)

Wedding night

Three guys who have just got married are sitting in their hotel bar after all the receptions having a beer. As they talk, it transpires that all three are virgins, and are a bit naive about how many times they can expect to have sex with their new bride that evening.

One devises a plan of how they can relay this information to the others at breakfast without getting a slap.

`All we do is order as many rounds of toast for how many times you had it last night,' he says, and the others readily agree.

At breakfast the next morning, all three guys look very happy with themselves. The first bloke orders cornflakes, and in a loud voice asks for four slices of toast, and the others give him a wink and a thumbs-up.

The next guy orders scrambled eggs, and again in a voice so the others can hear, orders six slices of toast. Again, his mates give him a `good-on-yer' look.

The next guy orders a full English breakfast, and then asks for eight slices of toast. His mates give a low whistle of approval, and as the waiter walks away, the guy says to the waiter, `Oh, and could you make two of those brown, please, mate.'

The Mr. Right Rejection Letter Form

Dear (____rejectee's name here____ ),

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as my Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition:

[Check all those that apply]

___ Your breasts are bigger than mine.

___ Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.

___ The fact that our finest dining experience to date has been at McDonald's reveals a thriftiness that I find unappealing.

___ Your inadvertent admission that you 'buy condoms by the truckload' indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than my personality.

___ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me one.

___ Your legs are skinnier than mine. If you can FIT into my pants, then you can't GET into my pants.

___ Your 'Putting on a few, aren't you babe?' comment, given the 9-months pregnant size of Your Own beer gut, was inappropriate.

___ You failed the credit check.

___ I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.

___ The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.

___ The phrase 'My Mother' has popped up far too often in conversation.

___ You still live with your parents, and attending night classes to get your High School dipolma, are slight negatives.

___ You mention your ex-wife's name more than you mention mine.

___ Your gift of a 2oz. Hershey Bar, with almonds , showed style.

___ Three final words.... Size does matter.

Sincerely,

[Your name here]

Three Little Pigs

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night.. The waiter came and took their drink order.
'I would like a Sprite,' said the first little piggy.
'I would like a Coke,' said the second little piggy.
'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.
The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner
'I want a nice big steak,' said the first piggy..
'I would like the salad plate,' said the second piggy.
'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.
The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.
'I want a banana split,' said the first piggy.
'I want a cheesecake,' said the second piggy.
'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' exclaimed the third little piggy.
'Pardon me for asking,' said the waiter to the third little piggy,'
But why have you only ordered beer all evening?'
The third piggy says -
'Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!

Why God made moms. #jokes #humor

Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He Just used bigger
parts.
What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice
in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use
string, I think.
Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.
What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty
bossy.
3. They said she was nicel.
What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get
drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to
chores?
Why did your Mom marry your dad? 1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in
the world. And my Mom eats a
lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.
Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof
ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the
bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.
What's the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home, & dads just go to work at work
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause
that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.
What does your Mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What would it take to make your Mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of
plastic surgery.
2. Diet You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get
rid of that.
2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who
did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on her back
of her head.

New Gorilla in Bar

A black man enters a bar with his gorilla. He says to the bartender, "I would like a beer, and a gin and tonic for my girlfriend here."

The bartender looks at him like he's nuts and says, " I sorry but I don't serve Gorillas in this bar."

The man has an idea. He takes his girlfriend home and shaves her head, gives her a wig, dress, and makeup. Then he returns to the same bar. He places the same order and this time the bar tender gives it to them.

They go and sit in a corner while the bartender turns to his friend and says, "Damn! Did you ever notice how all the good looking Iraqi ladies that come in here, always seem to be with black men.

Things only learned in College #jokes #humor

1. Quarters are like gold.
2. Be creative in the dining hall.
3. Flipflops become as important as soap, shampoo, etc.
4. You will never find so many excuses for a bucket.
5. Asleep by 2:30 am is an early night.
6. New additions to the food groups: Mountain Dew, Doritos, Ben & Jerry's, Ho-Hos and Oreos
7. Make sure your alarm clock has back-up batteries.
8. Duct tape heals all wounds. (If not, scotch or masking tape will suffice for awhile.)
9. Showers become less important.
10. Sleep becomes more important.
11. Two meals a day are standard. One for some!
12. Recycling becomes synonomous with laundry ("Oh, my jeans can last until Christmas...there's only a *little* bit of mud on them...").
13. You can never make too many meals in a hot pot (or pizelle maker).
14. 10 minutes is more than enough time to get ready for your first class (not that this is anything really new).
15. Going to the mailbox was never an ego booster/breaker before.
16. It takes more than one person to carry your laundry, books, trash, or alcohol.
17. If the lecture hall is big enough, get someone else's notes.
18. You begin to nap again (also not new).
19. Your bill in the bookstore will almost equal tuition.
20. Isn't it amazing that the book your professor wrote is always required for his class?
21. Labs used to be fun.
22. T.A. used to stand for teaching assistant, now, for terribly articulated.
23. Squirt guns equal stress relief.
24. E-mail becomes your second language.
25. Frat parties are exactly like they are in the movies.
26. Ten-page papers used to sound impossible, now they're a Godsend.
27. You never realized so many people are smarter than you.
28. You never realized so many people are dumber than you.
29. Professors are like celebrities: you see them, but they never see you.
30. Western Europe could be wiped out by a horrible plague and you'd never know, but you could recite last week's episode of "Friends" verbatim.
31. See every movie under $3 that your campus provides; it's actually proportional to the amount of money you have.
32. Roadtrip whenever possible.
33. Pick up all new lingo.
34. Bum rides, money, notes and snacks as much as you can get them.
35. Don't burn bridges, especially if he's good in Biology.
36. Plain pasta never constituted a complete meal before.
37. The health service attendants are there because they couldn't make it in a real hospital, never ever forget that.
38. Forget putting the toilet seat down,you just pray that they flush.
39. Frisbee becomes a contact sport.
40. Care packages rank up there with birthdays.
41. College girls are the same as high school girls, just with more freedom...and no curfew.
42. It was never this bad when you got sick.
43. Pop a vitamin and breakfast is covered.
44. Learn to love your roommate, especially when he leaves you the room.
45. You always thought that worshipping the porcelain god was just an expression...it's not!
46. You'll learn more about male genetalia than you ever thought necessary, guys talk more about that than women and sex put together.
47. Beware the freshman 15, or in some cases, the freshman cup size.
48. Even though the beds are long, they are also extra narrow.
49. Things that were a huge deal in high school are now commonplace.
50. You never thought you would share so much about yourself with people you have known for such a short time.
51. Computer games go in and out faster than the latest fashions.
52. Any game can be made into a drinking game.
53. Disney movies are more than just classics.
54. Find one thing you like in the dining hall and go with it.
55. You will hear more stupid nicknames than you ever thought possible.
56. Phone calls almost never happen and when they do, you just don't get the messages.
57. Cereal makes a meal any time of day.
58. Keep your high school term papers; nowadays, everything is recycled.
59. ATMs are the devil's advocate.
60. Beware the boy in the Care Bear toga.
61. You almost forget how to drive.
62. You'll drink anything if it's free..
63. People still cheat, it's just more technologically advanced.
64. You get really good with excuses for skipping class.
65. The girl you're going to marry may live right next door, so keep your stereo down.
66. Ordering food at 1 am is a common occurance.
67. You never realized how cool you can be.
68. TV becomes a bigger time sucker than ever before.
69. You realize how great your hell summer job was once you get to work study.
70. Keys have never been so important, yet you seem to lose them more than ever before.
71. You meet the type of people you only thought existed in the movies.
72. You learn to sleep with light, noise, extreme temps, and roommates snoring.
73. You don't have to cover your textbooks anymore.
74. You become a juggler with the balance between school, friends, girls, activities, work, parties...
75. You live for chicken finger day at the cafeteria.
76. People that were geeks in high school seem okay now.
77. You begin to realize that college is about the ideal lifestyle, except for those pesky classes.
78. You get good at rationalizing on whether to do homework or not (usually not).
79. Procrastination becomes an art.
80. Jeans may be worn as many times as the wearer desires (for example, see # 12).
81. The only reason you ever dress up is when everything else is dirty.
82. Your parents start to tell you stories about their college days.
83. With all the wealth of knowledge around you, you start to feel like you're on intellectual welfare.
84. Going to the mini-mart is a major treat.
85. Amount of alcohol consumed is directly proportional to grade point average.
86. You have two kinds of shoes: everyday shoes and party shoes.
87. Classes: the later the better.
88. The cute girls actually talk to you now.
89. Care packages make it all worthwhile.
90. The longer you're there, the less you talk about home.
91. Always wear your safety goggles, they're not kidding.
92. You just don't learn last names.
93. Your teachers just went from Mr. and Mrs. to Prof.
94. That calculator Tetris and Duck Hunt come into play even more than in high school Physics class.
95. Card games never lasted for hours before.
96. Vacuuming happens every semester, if you get around to it.
97. Boys will dance in college.
98. People who never talked to you in high school are now your best friends when you come home.
99. You are never alone.
100. You find out what beer sludge is.
101. It's amazing how late you can stay up doing absolutely nothing, yet falling asleep in class or in the library takes an average of two seconds.
102. You spend a ridiculous amount of time pondering the mystery of whether the cafeteria Lucky Charms are the real thing.
103. People magazine is your deep philosophical reading material.
104. You begin to subdivide your room into sections such as den, library, etc. to make it sound like a house.
105. All you have to do to make new friends is have mom send up some cookies.
106. You never realized how quiet your house was.
107. Dishes aren't dirty enough to wash until they have bugs and/or mold in them.
108. Printers only break down when you desperately need them.
109. You get along so much better with your family now that you never see any of them.
110. Your life will never be the same again.

Boyfriend 4.0

Last year, many women upgraded their BOYFRIEND 3.1 to

BOYFRIEND PLUS 1.0

(marketing name: FIANCE 1.0) and then further upgraded

FIANCE 1.0 to

HUSBAND 1.0. They found that 1.0 is a memory hogger and

incompatible to

many other programs in their lives. HUSBAND 1.0 includes

plug-ins such

as MOTHER-IN-LAW, BROTHER-IN-LAW, and ANNOYING LOSER FRIENDS

although

market research has clearly shown that they are unnecessary

and

unwanted.

The upcoming BOYFRIEND 4.0 will change all that. Created by

leading

experts in the field and based upon years of research and

classroom

lectures, it includes the best of the old features, such as

the HANDYMAN

FUNCTION, and includes many new functions such as the

OPTIONAL

COMMITMENT FEATURE. Other immature functions, such as BEER

GUZZLING and

CAT CALLING have been removed, though they can still be

found on FRATBOY

1.1

BOYFRIEND 4.0 will include:

- An AUTOMATIC REMINDER BUTTON AND PAY ATTENTION FEATURE (so

I don't

have to repeat myself)

- MINIMIZE BUTTON

- SHUTDOWN FEATURE

- SHOPPING FUNCTION

- A BACK-UP ENERGY SUPPLY, so it won't fall asleep after sex

- A LAUNDRY, COOKING, & HOUSECLEANING FUNCTION

- DIAPER-CHANGING FUNCTION, for the more advanced users

- A SELF DESTRUCT SEQUENCE, so once it's uninstalled it

won't come back

- A MONOGAMY FEATURE

- AUTOMATIC OVERRIDE that kicks in right before they're

about to say

ANYTHING even remotely stupid

After the North American Beer ...

After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Molson sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Molson's?"

The Molson president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."

Nuts

What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

Beer nuts are a buck-fifty and deer nuts are under a buck.

Submitted by Curtis

Edited by Glaci

New bird in town. #jokes #humor

After many years of marriage, a husband has turned into a couch potato, became completely inattentive to his wife and sat guzzling beer and watching TV all day. The wife was dismayed because no matter what she did to attract the husband's attention, he'd just shrug her off with some bored comment.
This went on for many months and the wife was going crazy with boredom. Then one day at a pet store, the wife saw this big, ugly, snorting bird with a hairy chest, powerful hairy forearms, beady eyes and dribble running down the side of its mouth.
The shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird, told her it was a special imported "Goony bird" and it had a very peculiar trait. To demonstrate, he exclaimed, "Goony bird! The table!"
Immediately, the Goony bird flew off its perch and with single-minded fury attacked the table and smashed it into a hundred little pieces with its powerful forearms and claws! To demonstrate some more, the shopkeeper said, "Goony bird! The shelf!"
Again the Goony bird turned to the shelf and demolished it in seconds.
"Wow!" said the wife, "If this doesn't attract my husband's attention, nothing will!" So she bought the bird and took it home.
When she entered the house, the husband was, as usual, sprawled on the sofa guzzling beer and watching the game. "Honey!" she exclaimed, "I've got a surprise for you! A Goony bird!"
The husband, in his usual bored tone replied, "Goony Bird, my foot!"

Get Out Of The Car

(This is supposedly a true account recorded in the Police Log of Sarasota, Florida) An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!" The four men didn't wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then she realized why. It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee, and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat. A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake. The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed. Moral of the story? If you're going to have a senior moment...make it memorable.

Re-run

One fine afternoon at a golf course, two men were just finishing up the front nine when they decided to take a breather in the clubhouse. They went up to the lounge room and sat down and ordered a glass of beer. They started flipping thru the channels when they decided to watch the news. The first thing that was on was a woman about to comit suicide.

The first man says, "I bet you 100 dollars that she is gonna jump."

The second man, says, "OK, but I raise your 100 to 200 dollars saying she is not going to jump."

About four seconds after they were done making the bet, she leapt off the building, falling 17 stories, she hit the ground with a bone crunching sound.

As the loser of the bet started to get his wallet out of his back pocket the other man butted in to stop him.

"Listen, I can't take your money, I saw this earlier today and I knew she was gonna jump."

"So did I," the man said, I just didn't think she was dumb enough to do it again."

Question and answer Clinton jokes

Q: How do you break a Bill Clinton supporter's finger?

A: Punch him in the nose.

Q: What does Jeffrey Dahmer's victims and The Clintons' hair styles have in common?

A: They both look like the work of a butcher.

Q: If The Clinton's were younger, do you think they would have known the Clampents?

A: Possibly, Bill might have made Jethro's acquaintance in the 6th grade.

Q: Why doesn't Hillary cut Bill's hair?

A: He won't pay her $300.

Q: What are the two worst things about Bill Clinton?

A: His face.

Q: What is the Arkansas state flower?

A: Gennifer.

Q: Know how to solve the Serbian/Bosnian problem in less than 48 hours?

A: Put Janet Reno in charge.

Q: What's the difference between a Bill Clinton and a carp?

A: One's a scum sucking bottom feeder and the other's a fish.

Q: What's the difference between Hillary Clinton and a pit bull?

A: The pit bull doesn't carry a briefcase.

Q: How does Bill Clinton say "I'm about to hurt you"?

A: "Trust me."

Q: What is the difference between Dan Quayle, Bill Clinton and Jane Fonda?

A: Jane Fonda went to Vietnam.

Q: How can you tell Bill Clinton apart from a cow?

A: By the wise look in the eyes.

Q: How can you tell Bill Clinton from a bunch of dead bodies?

A: He's the stiff one.

Q: How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Two--One to promise he'll do it better than anyone else and one to obscure the issues.

Q: How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: None--He'll only promise "change."

Q: How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: He doesn't! He whines a while, says "I feel your pain", and gets congress to pass a billion dollar light security bill, and blames Republicans and special interests for not making lightbulbs free.

Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year?

A: Because they're sending their turkey to the White House!

Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year?

A: Because they can't afford any more pork.

Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year?

A: Reagan ate all the jellybeans.

Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year?

A: They've been having turkey for years.

Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year?

A: Because Clinton "invested" all the turkey.

Q: What were Bill and Chelsea Clinton doing in the voting booth?

A: Bill was giving his daughter a lesson in Civics, how to ruin the people!

Q: What does Teddy Kennedy have that Bill Clinton wishes he did?

A: A dead girlfriend.

Q: What's the difference between Personal Injury lawyers and Congress?

A: No fee--If No Recovery!

Q: How did Bill and Hillary Clinton meet?

A: They were dating the same girl in high school.

Q: How can you tell when Bill Clinton is lying?

A: Only a Bill Clinton supporter is too dumb to know the answer to this one.

Q: How can you tell when Bill Clinton is telling a lie by looking at his face?

A: If his lips are moving, then he's lying.

Q: What do Bill Clinton and a fifteen-watt light bulb have in common?

A: Neither one is very bright.

Q: What does Clinton do to lose weight?

A: Runs away from the draft.

Q: How can you tell when Clinton is ready for battle [in Bosnia]?

A: He's got his jogging suit on.

Q: What's Clinton's favorite baseball team?

A: The Dodgers.

Q: What's Bill's fondest wish now?

A: That someone would wave a hand at him using more than one finger.

Q: What's a Clinton sandwich?

A: Pure bologna piled high and deep.

Q: Why do they always fly around a live turkey in a cage on Air Force 1?

A: For spare parts.

Q: Did you hear that the Clinton's had Air Force 1 remodeled?

A: Now it's got two left wings.

Q: Why is Bill Clinton called "middle of the road Democrat"?

A: Because he's got a wide yellow stripe down the middle of his two-lane back.

Q: Why is Bill Clinton's economic plan called positively atheist?

A: Because it hasn't got a prayer.

Q: If Bill and Hillary jumped together off the Washington monument, who'd land first?

A: Who cares!

Q: How did Bill Clinton get a crick in his neck?

A: Trying to save both faces.

Q: If Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, Al Gore, and Tipper took a boat ride and the boat capsized, who would be saved?

A: The United States of America!

Q: Why is Bill Clinton diverting federal funds from improving schools to improving jails?

A: Because when his term is through, he won't be going to school.

Q: Why does Chelsea look so stupid and ugly?

A: Heredity.

Q: Why did Bill and Hillary send Chelsea to a private school?

A: If they sent her to a public school, the secret service would be out-gunned!

Q: What do Clinton and JFK have in common?

A: They haven't had any brains for the last thirty years.

Q: What happened when Bill Clinton got a shot of testosterone?

A: He turned into Hillary!

Q: Did you hear Chrysler is introducing a new car to commemorate President Clinton's election?

A: It's gonna be called the Dodge Drafter!

Q: Why does the secret service guard Hillary so closely?

A: Because if something happens to her, Bill becomes President!

Q: How many Clinton administration officials does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Two--one to screw the bulb into the water faucet while the other tells us that everything possible is being done to help the situation.

Q: How many republicans does it take to raise your taxes?

A: None. The democrats do that.

Q: How many republicans does it take to disarm the law abiding public so that the government can enforce totalitarianistic and unconstitutional laws?

A: None. The Sociali--Democrats do that.

Q: How many Clinton White House officials does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: None. They like to keep him in the dark!

Q: Why do liberals travel in threes?

A: One to read, one to write and the other one to keep an eye on both intellectuals.

Q: What kind of neckwear does Hillary Clinton look best in?

A: A noose.

Q: What kind of jewelry does Hillary look best in?

A: Handcuffs.

Q: What Biblical and Renaissance characters does Hillary most resemble?

A: Jezebel and Lucretia Borgia.

Q: What's the best place to photograph Clinton Administration officials?

A: A police lineup.

Q: What's a conservative?

A: A liberal who made it through adolescence.

Q: What is a conservative?

A: A liberal who's been mugged.

Q: What do you get when you cross a crooked lawyer with a crooked politician?

A: Chelsea.

Q: You know what the problem with political jokes is, don't you?

A: They get elected.

Q: What famouse Arkansas State Supreme Court decision is Hilary Clinton famous for?

A: If you divorce your wife in Arkansas, is she still your cousin?

Q: Why is Chelsea Clinton a miracle child?

A: Because lawyers use their personalities for birth control.

Q: Why did Bill Clinton cross the road?

A: To tax the chicken.

Q: Why can't Bill Clinton file a defamation of character suit against his critics?

A: Because Bill Clinton has no character to defame.

Q: If called to testify in a trial how long will it before before Clinton commits perjury?

A: When he's sworn in.

Q: How many helicopters does it take for White House aides to go play a round of golf?

A: Depends on how many were photographed.

Q: Why did Bill Clinton cross the road?

A: To meet the chick.

Q: How are Boris Becker and President Clinton alike?

A: Both aren't as successful when they're not on grass.

Q: Did you hear they put two new faces on Mt. Rushmore?

A: Yeah, they were Bill Clinton.

Q: Did you know that Clinton's cat can play Chess?

A: Inside Information: The cat isn't really all that good at Chess. The last time they played best of five, Clinton won three games to two.

Q: Who would become President of the U.S.A if the President died?

A: Bill Clinton of course!

Q: How does Bill Clinton change a light bulb?A: He doesn't. He whines a while, says "I feel your pain", and gets congress to pass a billion dollar light security bill, and blames republicans and special interests for not making lightbulbs free.Q: What do the Republicans have that Bill Clinton wishes he had?

A: A mandate to govern.

Q: How can you tell that the guy who attacked the White house with a plane was insane?A: He seems to have thought Clinton would be in his own bedroom at night.Q: What did Hillary tell Bill when the Paula Jones story broke?

A: "You idiot! I told you to let Teddy Kennedy drive her home!

Q: What did Boris Yelstin say when asked if meeting Clinton made want to convert Russia to the type of government they have in America?

A: "Never! I'm not going to let my wife run the country!!"

Q: Why doesn't Bill like old houses?

A: He's afraid of the draft.

Q: What's the differents between Bill Clinton and an elephant?

A: About 20 pounds and a jogging suit.

Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and David Koresh?

A: Koresh only burned 85 people.

Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and David Koresh?

A: Some people still believe in David Koresh.

Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and Joseph Stalin?

A: Some of Stalin's subjects admired him.

Q: How many Hillary Clintons does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One--she just holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.

Q: What's the difference between Janet Reno and a school bus driver?

A: The bus driver stops to let the kids out.

Q: How does Bill keep Gennifer Flowers away from the White House?

A: He keeps offering to send Ted Kennedy over to give her a ride.

Q: When will there be a woman in the White House?

A: When Hillary leaves town.

Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a container of yogurt?

A: Yogurt has culture.

Q: What is the best thing that ever came out of Arkansas?

A: Highway 55.

Q: Why does Clinton always have a stupid grin on his face?

A: He is stupid!

Q: Why is Clinton prone to losing his voice?

A: He keeps having to eat his words.

Q: How do you know when a liberal is really dead?

A: His heart stops bleeding.

Q: How does Al Gore spell potato?

A: T-A-T-E-R.

Q: Why is Chelsea growing up a confused child?

A: Because dad can't keep his pants on and mom wants to wear them.

Q: Why were there two presidential limousines in the inaugural parade?

A: The first one held the real president while the second one contained the president's spouse, Bill Clinton.

Q: How has Clinton made his cabinet look more like America?

A: Many of them have sixth grade reading levels.

Q: What is the difference between Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter?

A: Jimmy Carter waited until after the inauguration to break his promises.

Q: How do you spot Al Gore in a room full of secret service agents?

A: He's the stiff one.

Q: What were the three toughest years in Al Gore's life?

A: Grade six.

Q: If Rodham gets health care, Bentsen gets treasury, and Aspin gets defense, what does Gore get?

A: Coffee.

Q: What will Bill's favorite retail outlet be after his economic blueprint takes effect?

A: Everything's $100.

Q: What was the real purpose of Bill's college visit to Moscow?

A: To study economics.

Q: What is Clinton's plan to create thousands of small businesses?

A: Take thousands of big businesses and wait four years.

Q: Why is Bill infuriated with Chelsea's new private school?

A: They broke family tradition by making her wear a uniform.

Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter?

A: It took Bill less than 100 days to botch a military mission.

Q: Why did Bill go out to sea on an aircraft carrier?

A: To promote off-shore drilling.

Q: Why did Clinton choose Canada as the site for his summit with Yeltsin?

A: So he could look up some college buddies who moved up there during the war.

Q: What does Clinton have in common with his Hollywood pals?

A: They all make a living by lying to people.

Q: Why did the Davidians commit suicide?

A: They were trying to keep up with the Joneses.

Q: Why are there more jokes about Waco than Jonestown?

A: The punch lines were too long in Jonestown.

Q: What do a Wendy's Hamburger and the Waco compound have in common?

A: They were both cooked by a guy named "Dave".

Q: What is the only thing worse than an incompetent liberal President?

A: A competent liberal President.

Q: What is the first thing that President Clinton says after waking up?

A: "Good morning, Bill."

Q: What has Clinton done that no one has been able to do in the last 5 years?

A: Unite the Republican Party.

Q: Why did Clinton waffle on military action in Bosnia?

A: His area of expertise is dodging armed conflict.

Q: How many Democrats does it take to destroy a light bulb?

A: None. They only know how to destroy the taxpayers.

Q: When did Clinton's friends become sure that he had political ambitions?

A: When he married outside of his family.

Q: What does Bill Clinton have in common with former great Presidents?

A: Absolutely nothing.

Q: What is the difference between Bill Clinton and Elvis?

A: Elvis was drafted and served proudly in the Army.

Q: Why did the IRS recently audit Bill Clinton?

A: Because he filed as head of the household.

Q: How is Clinton's health care reform a lot like his haircut?

A: It is a lot more expensive than it looks.

Q: What is the difference between a liberal and a puppy?

A: A puppy stops whining after it grows up.

Q: Why were the Clintonites pushing the BTU Tax?

A: Because they could spell it.

Q: What is the basement where White House staffers work called?

A: The whine cellar.

Q: Why aren't Clinton White House staffers given coffee breaks?

A: It takes too long to retrain them.

Q: How can you identify a computer that has been in use at the Clinton White House?

A: There is White-out on the screen.

Q: How can you tell if it was a shared computer used by many staffers?

A: There is writing on the White-out.

Q: What is the difference between an intelligent liberal and Bigfoot?

A: Bigfoot has been spotted.

Q: How is Bill Clinton like a passive-restraint device?

A: He is a bag of air that is not on the driver's side.

Q: How is Bill like a character actor?

A: When he shows character, he's acting.

Q: What is Hillary's favorite holiday?

A: Summer Solstice.

Q: What do you get when you give Bill Clinton a penny for his thoughts?

A: Change.

Q: What do you get when you cross Bill Clinton with a gorilla?

A: Who knows? There is only so much a gorilla can be forced to do.

Q: What is Clinton's favorite war song?

A: "Over Here"

Q: What costume did Bill Clinton wear to a Halloween party that scared everyone to death?

A: He came dressed as a two-term president.

Q: Why is Perot's wife glad he didn't get elected?

A: If he won, they would have to move to a smaller house in a bad neighborhood.

Q: What is the difference between liberalism and socialism?

A: Socialism is dead.

Q: What is the difference between Clinton's health care plan and a kidney stone?

A: A kidney stone is easier to pass.

Q: What is the difference between Hitler and Bill Clinton?

A: Hitler intended to deliver on his speeches.

Q: What is the difference between the U.S. and the former USSR?

A: The U.S. still has a Communist Party in power.

Q: What does Clinton need to stop the white water?

A: A water gate.

Q: Why are they renaming Arkansas Highway 50 the "Bill Clinton Highway?"

A: The road is crooked, slick, and has a yellow stripe down the middle.

Q: What do Hillary Clinton and the Dallas Cowboys have in common?

A: They both dominate Bills.

Q: What is the difference between TV characters Dan and Roseanne Conner and the Clintons?

A: The Conners own their own home.

Q: What is the difference between Whitewater and Watergate?

A: No one died in Watergate.

Q: What is Hillary's new nickname after her latest hairstyle?

A: Oldielocks.

Q: What are the administration's favorite words in foreign policy?

A: We have not ruled out military force.

Q: What would one get with a donation to Rostenkowski's legal fund?

A: A free stamp.

Q: Why are staff cuts so difficult for Clinton?

A: He can't give a woman a pink slip without asking her to try it on first.

Q: Which of the following does not belong: AIDS, gonorrhea, herpes, or Bill Clinton?

A: Gonorrhea--it can be cured.

Q: Why was Roger Clinton's wedding delayed 5 days?

A: The bride's father had to wait 5 days to buy the shotgun.

Q: How are Congressmen and baseball players alike?

A: They are millionaires who work 3 hours a day and left in August not finishing what they had started.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the Atlantic?

A: To attend D-Day celebrations.

Q: What do you get when you cross Bill Clinton and James Dean?

A: A man without a clue.

Q: How did we know long before the Haiti invasion that Clinton was planning to go to war?

A: He visited Oxford.

Q: How is Bill Clinton like an unemployed school teacher?

A: No class and no principals.

Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a pickpocket?

A: A pickpocket snatches watches.

Q: What does Hillary have in common with the city of Buffalo?

A: They both have Bills that are losers.

Q: Why does the Clinton administration want to reinvent government?

A: They are having a lot of trouble dealing with the existing form...democracy.

Q: Who should Clinton have used to overthrow Haiti's military?

A: John Elway.

Q: Why is Clinton so interested in events in the Middle East?

A: He thinks the Gaza Strip is a topless bar.

Q: Why does Hillary think her husband is a model president?

A: Because a model is a small imitation of the real thing.

Q: What does Hillary Clinton have in common with Gerald Ford?

A: They both became president without being elected.

Q: What's the difference between the Waco ATF and Bill Clinton?

A: BIll Clinton burned 260,000,000 people.

Q: What do call someone who sees the glass in front of him half full?

A: An optimist.

Q: Well, then what do you call someone who sees the glass in front of him as half empty?

A: Teddy Kennedy.

Q: What did Teddy Kennedy say when he heard of JFK's assassination?

A: He couldn't have been shot in the temple! We're not Jewish!

Q: Why did Ted Kennedy spend four hours in the voting booth?

A: He thought he was in a confessional.

Q: Why did the Clintons switch from MCI to AT&T?

A: They didn't have enough friends left to make a calling circle.

Q: What's the difference between President Hoover and Clinton?

A: One promised a chicken in every pot and the other was an unpromising chicken who smoked pot.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?

A: To get away from Bill Clinton.

Q: What's the difference between Clinton and Christopher Reeve?

A: Clinton is dead from the neck up.

Q: Where are the two biggest airbags located?

A: The White House.

Q: Who was the first liberal Democrat?

A: Christopher Columbus. He left not knowing where he was going, got there not knowing where he was, left not knowing where he'd been, and did it all on borrowed money.

Q: Did you hear that someone threw a bottle of beer at Clinton?

A: Yes, but it's ok. It was a Draft and he was able to dodge it.

Q: What's Bill Clinton's least expensive hobby?

A: To sit in the Oval Office and collect dust.

Q: Did you hear that Tyson Foods has genetically engineered a new breed of chicken and named it in honor of Bill Clinton?

A: It's a brainless, spineless, tar-and-feathers yellow chicken.

Q: Why is Bill Clinton the living proof of reincarnation?

A: Because no one could get this stupid in one lifetime.

Q: Do you know why Clinton gave the Federal employees the day off on Wednesday?

A: It was Secretaries' Day and he was too cheap to buy his a present!

Q: What's a word for Clintons '92 campaign

A: A snow job.

Q: What will you get if Clinton's health bill passes?

A: No Job.

Q: How many Democrats does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: It's irrelevant; they still don't know they're in the dark!

Q: What's the best job a dumb blonde ever had?

A: Vice-president of the United States.

Q: Have you heard about the new Bill Clinton doll?

A: You pull a little ring and it never tells the same story twice!

Q: What do Hillary Clinton and Marie Antoinette have in common?

A: Nothing . . . yet.

Q: Why does Hillary Clinton often wear turtle necks when attending Bill's speaking engagements?

A: So you can't see her adam's apple move as he speaks.

Q: What's Clinton doing to make Americans happy?

A: If you've paid your tax bill and have enough money left to feed your family--you're happy.

Getting Old

1. Your house plants are alive, and you can’t smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favourite song in an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up."
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You’re the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won’t turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don’t know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald’s leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You take naps.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good sh*t."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can’t drink the way I use to" replaces "I’m never going to drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in from of a computer is for real work.
24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking "Oh sh*t, what the hell happened?"
BONUS:
26. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn’t apply to you & can’t find one to save your sorry old butt.