Beer jokes (646 to 660)

How many did you catch...

A kind-hearted fellow was walking through Central Park in New York and was astonished to see an old man, fishing rod in hand, fishing over a beautiful bed of lillies.

"Tch Tch!" said the passerby to himself. "What a sad sight. That poor old man is fishing over a bed of flowers. I'll see if I can help."

So the kind fellow walked up to the old man and asked, "What are you doing, my friend?"

"Fishin', sir."

"Fishin', eh. Well how would you like to come have a drink with me?"

The old man stood up, put his rod away and followed the kind stranger to the corner bar. He ordered a large glass of beer and a fine cigar.

His host, the kind fellow, felt good about helping the old man, and he asked, "Tell me, old friend, how many did you catch this morning?"

The old fellow took a long drag on the cigar, blew a careful smoke ring and replied, "You are the sixth today, sir!"

Zen Sarcasm

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.
2 The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt or a leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn, so if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
9. If at first you don't succeed...Skydiving is not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

The Male Stages of Life

Age - Favorite Drink

17 Beer

25 Beer

35 Vodka

48 Double Vodka

66 Maalox

Age - Best Seduction Line

17 My parents are away for the weekend.

25 My girlfriend is away for the weekend.

35 My fiancee is away for the weekend.

48 My wife is away for the weekend.

66 My second wife is dead.

Age - Favorite Sport

17 Sex

25 Sex

35 Sex

48 Sex

66 Napping

Age - Definition of a Successful Date

17 Tongue

25 Breakfast

35 She didn't set back my therapy.

48 I didn't have to meet her kids.

66 Got home alive.

Age - Favorite Fantasy

17 Getting to third

25 Airplane Sex

35 Menage a Trois

48 Taking the Company Public

66 Swiss Maid / Nazi Love Slave

Age - House Pet

17 Roaches

25 Stoned-out College Roommate

35 Irish Setter

48 Children from his first marriage

66 Barbie

Age - What's the Ideal Age to Get Married?

17 25

25 35

35 48

48 66

66 17

Age - Ideal Date

17 Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in

25 Split the check before we go back to my place.

35 Just come over.

48 Just come over and cook.

66 Sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas.

Slot machine winner

A dumb blonde was standing in front of a soda machine outside of a local store. After putting in sixty cents, a root beer pops out of the machine. She set it on the ground, puts sixty more cents into the machine, and pushes another button; suddenly, a coke comes out the machine!

She continued to do this until a man waiting to use the machine became impatient. "Excuse me, can I get my soda and then you can go back to whatever stupid thing you are doing?"

The blonde turns around and says, "Yeah right! I'm not giving up this machine while I'm still winning!"

God knows....

Two rural church deacons who were having a sociable beer in the local tavern when they saw their minister drive by and take a good long look at their pickup trucks parked outside.

One deacon ducked down and said, "I hope the reverend didn't see us or recognize my pickup."

The other replied indifferently, "What difference does it make. God knows we're in here... and he's the only one who counts."

The first deacon countered, "But God won't tell my wife."

Terrorize Telemarketer

Ways to Terrorize a Telemarketer

1. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.
   
2. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"
   
3. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel!"
   
4. After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.
   
5. Tell the telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you a case of beer and some chips.
   
6. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
   
7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends... would you be my friend?"
   
8. Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of pause as she tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from.
   
9. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
   
10. When they ask "How are you today?" Tell them! "I'm so glad you asked because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..."
    

Idiot one liners

Lets face it, there are a lot of dumb people out there. Sometimes you want to express how stupid they really are and here's how...

An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.

As smart as bait.

Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.

Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair.

Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.

Forgot to pay his brain bill.

His belt doesn't go through all the loops.

If he had another brain, it would be lonely.

Missing a few buttons on his remote control.

Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.

Receiver is off the hook.

Surfing in Nebraska.

An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.

A few beers short of a six-pack.

A few peas short of a casserole.

The cheese slid off his cracker.

Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.

Couldn't pour piss out of a boot with instructions on the heel.

He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

You might be a redneck if 75

You might be a reneck if...

You have bantha horns on the front of your landspeeder.

You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok... without using the word "chicken".

You can find no grammatical errors in the way Yoda talks.

You think that Stormtroopers are just KKK members with really good sheets.

A peaceful meditation session is one without gas.

You can levitate yourself using a force from within, but not THE force.

You have ever had an X-wing up on blocks in your yard.

You ever lost a hand during a light-saber fight because you had to spit. The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters. Wookies are offended by your B.O.

You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.

Breaking the News is Worth a Beer

Steve, Bob, and Jeff were working on a very high scaffolding. Suddenly, Steve falls 50 feet to the ground below and he is killed instantly. After the coroner leaves with Steves body, Bob volunteers to inform Steves wife of the terrible news. Some two hours later, Bob returns to the work site with a six-pack of beer under his arms. Say, Bob, where did you get the six-pack? Steves wife gave it to me! What! You just told her that Steve died and she gave you a six-pack? Well, before I broke the news to her, I asked her if she was Steves widow. And, she said she wasnt, so I said Id bet her a six-pack she was!

Beer Goggles

Joe stopped at his favorite watering hole after a hard days work to relax. He noticed a man next to him order a shot and a beer. The man drank the shot, chased it with the beer and then looked into his shirt pocket. This continued several times before Joes curiosity got the best of him. He leaned over to the guy and said, Excuse me, I couldnt help but notice your little ritual. Why in the world do you look into your shirt pocket every time you drink your shot and beer? The man replied, Theres a picture of my wife in there, and when she starts lookin good, Im headin home!

10 Redneck Checks

1. You've ever had to lug a paint can to the top of a water tower to defend your sister's honor.

2. Your wife's hairdo has ever been destroyed by a ceiling fan.

3. You go to your family reunion to pick up women.

4. Your richest relative buys a new house -- and you have to help him take the wheels off it.

5. You think a six-pack and a bug zapper is quality entertainment!

6. Your family tree does not fork.

7. You've ever been too drunk to fish.

8. You've lost more than two teeth opening beer bottles.

9. You helped your cousin move his refrigerator -- and the grass underneath it has turned yellow.

10. You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income!

Nebraska Crazy Law

It is illegal for a mother to give her daughter a perm without a state license.

It is illegal for bar owners to sell beer unless they are simultaneously brewing a kettle of soup.

It is Illegal to go whale fishing.

If a child burps during church, his parent may be arrested.

Lehigh

Doughnut holes may not be sold

Omaha

A man is not allowed to run around with a shaved chest.

Sneezing or burping is illegal during a church service.

Waterloo

Barbers are forbidden from eating onions between 7 A.M. and 7 P.M.

#joke #animal #whale #food #soup #onion #eating #drinks #beer #sport #fishing #mother

Three old guys are out walking...

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'

Things Not to Say to a Cop

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

Pay the Price

A man walks into a bar and says, "Excuse me, Id like a pint of beer."
The bartender serves the drink and says, "Thatll be four dollars."
The customer pulls out a twenty-dollar bill and hands it to the bartender.
"Sorry, sir," the bartender says, "but I cant accept that."
The man pulls out a ten-dollar bill and the bartender rejects his money again. "Whats going on here?" the man asks.
Pointing to a neon sign, the bartender explains, "This is a Singles Bar."