Beer jokes (76 to 90)

 The Dog And Neutron

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."

The Mr. Right Rejection Letter Form

Dear (____rejectee's name here____ ),

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as my Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition:

[Check all those that apply]

___ Your breasts are bigger than mine.

___ Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it,hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.

___ The fact that our finest dining experience to date has been atMcDonald's reveals a thriftiness that I find unappealing.

___ Your inadvertent admission that you 'buy condoms by thetruckload' indicates that you may be interested in me for somethingother than my personality.

___ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questionsabout yourself before you asked me one.

___ Your legs are skinnier than mine. If you can FIT into my pants,then you can't GET into my pants.

___ Your 'Putting on a few, aren't you babe?' comment, given the9-months pregnant size of Your Own beer gut, was inappropriate.

___ You failed the credit check.

___ I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.

___ The fact that your apartment has been condemned revealsan inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.

___ The phrase 'My Mother' has popped up far too often inconversation.

___ You still live with your parents, and attending night classes to getyour High School dipolma, are slight negatives.

___ You mention your ex-wife's name more than you mention mine.

___ Your gift of a 2oz. Hershey Bar, with almonds , showed style.

___ Three final words.... Size does matter.

Sincerely,

[Your name here]

 Good To Be American

Top ten reasosn why it's great to be American

1. You can have a woman president without electing her
   
2. You can spell colour wrong and get away with it
   
3. You can call Budweiser beer
   
4. You can be a crook and still be president
   
5. If you've got enough money you can get elected to do anything
   
6. If you can breathe you can get a gun
   
7. You can invent a new public holiday every year
   
8. You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody seems to care.
   
9. You get to call everyone you've never met "buddy"
   
10. You can think you're the greatest nation on earth.
    
11. You can get a pizza within minutes of ordering.
    

 University Courses For Men And Women

Whatsamatta University's Seminars For Men Fall Catalogue

Once again, the female staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for men of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following is required.
1. Combatting Stupidity
2. You Too Can Do Housework
3. Resistance to Beer
4. How To Properly Fill An Ice Tray
5. We Do Not Want Sleazy Underwear For Christmas (Give Us Credit Cards)
6. Understanding The Female Response To Coming Home Drunk At 4:00am
7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques (also called "Don't Wash My Silks")
9. Get A Life - Learn To Cook
10. How Not To Act Like An Idiot When You Are Obviously Wrong
11. Spelling - Even You Can Get It Right
12. Understanding Your Financial Incompetence
13. You, The Weaker Sex
14. Reasons To Give Flowers
15. Garbage - Getting It To The Curb
16. You Cannot Always Wear Whatever You Please
17. How To Put Down A Toilet Seat
18. Give Me A Break - Why We Know Your Excuses Are Lies
19. How To Go Shopping With Your Mate Without Getting Lost
20. The Remote Control - Overcoming Your Dependency
21. Helpful Posture Hints For Couch Potatoes
22. Mother-in-Laws Are People Too
23. The Weekend And Sports Are Not Synonymous
24. How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children
25. You Too Can Be A Designated Driver
26. Male Bonding: Leave Your Friends At Home
27. Attainable Goal - Omitting Foul Expletives From Vocabulary
28. You Don't Really Need That Porsche

Whatsamatta University's Seminars For Women Fall Catalogue

Once again, the male staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for women of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following is required.
1. Combatting The Impulse To Nag
2. You Can Change The Oil Too
4. How To Properly Fill A Beer Mug
5. We Do Not Want Ties For Christmas
6. Understanding The Female Causes Of Male Drunkenness
7. How To Do All Your Laundry In One Load And Have More Time To Watch Football
8. Parenting - Your Husband Gave You Children So You Could Have Someone Other Than Him To Boss Around
9. How To Encourage Your Husband To Cook More And Be Able To Stomach His Slop
10. How Not To Sob Like A Sponge When Your Husband Is Right
11. Get A Life - Learn To Kill Spiders Yourself
12. Balancing A Checkbook - Even You Can Get It Right
13. Comprehending Credit Card Spending Limits And Financial Responsibility
14. You, The Whining Sex
15. Shopping - Doing It In Less Than 16 Hours
16. If You Want To Know How That Looks On You, Ask Your Mother
17. How To Close The Garage Door
18. If You Don't Want An Excuse, Don't Demand An Explanation
19. How To Go Fishing With Your Mate And Not Catch Pneumonia
20. Living Without Power Windows - How To Turn A Crank
21. Romanticism - The Whole Point Of Caviar, Candles, And Conversation
22. How To Retain Your Composure While Your Husband Is Relaxing By Himself
23. Why You Don't Need To Invite Your Mother Over Every Weekend
24. Payday And Shopping Are Not Synonymous
25. How To Act Younger Than Your Mother
26. You Too Can Carry A Backpack
27. Female Friendship - Why Your Best Friends Are Not The Women Who Complain About You The Most
28. Learning To Appreciate The Beer Belly And Lard Butt Morphologies Of Men
29. Attainable Goal - Catching A Ball Before It Stops Moving
30. How To Close The Top On The Toothpaste

 You Might Be A Redneck If 59

You might be a reneck if...
Your most productive fishing lure is a Dupont drifter and a dip net.
City code enforcement officers use your property as a proving ground for new recruits.
You think Tang is in the fruit group.
You can hit a bullseye from up to 50 yards away, but still have trouble with your ABC's.
You've ever wrestled your mama for the last can of beer.
You surf the net primarily for tater gun building instructions.
Your car is the only one in a parking lot and you can't find it.
You think your IQ is the number of coons you shot out of season.
You ever wonder what happened to that nice John F. Kennedy boy.
The fuel for your main mode of transportation is oats.

In Over Two Months

Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing tobacco and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says, "Think I'm gonna divorce the wife... she ain't spoke to me in over 2 months."

Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says, "Better think it over... women like that are hard to find."

Due to increasing product liab

Due to increasing product liability, beer manufacturers have accepted the Government's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers:
Warning: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
Warning: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a wanker.
Warning : Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your face in.
Warning : Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
Warning : Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your trousers.
Warning : Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.
Warning : Consumption of alcohol may make you think you possess mystical Kung-Fu powers.
Warning : Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species, and/or name you can't remember)
Warning : Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
Warning : Consumption of alcohol may lead to traffic signs and cones appearing in your home.
Warning : Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
Warning : Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that people are laughing with you.
Warning : Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

Sometime this year, we taxpaye...

Sometime this year, we taxpayers will are scheduled to again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment.
This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:
Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q.. Where will the government get this money ?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?
A. Only a smidgen of it.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.S. economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:
* If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China or Sri Lanka .
* If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.
* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India, Taiwan or China .
* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala .
* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea .
* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .

* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.
Instead, keep the money in America by:
1) Spending it at yard sales, or
2) Going to ball games, or
3) Spending it on prostitutes, or
4) Beer or
5) Tattoos.
(These are the only American businesses still operating in the U.S. )
Conclusion:
Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day !
No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help.

Brewery workers dema...

“Brewery workers demand for concessional beer for their consumption, was considered on a case by case basis, and a ration-ale decision was reached by the management.”

For those of you who watch wha

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the finalword on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know thetruth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fatand suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fatand suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wineand suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewerheart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots ofsausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks thanAmericans.
CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

A man was walking down the str...

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularlydirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollarsfor dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I giveyou this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can getjust to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" theman asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead offood?" the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'mgoing to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you fordoing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a manlooks like after he has given up beer, gambling, golf, and sex."

Juan comes up to the Mexican b

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders.
The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"
"Sand," answered Juan.
The guard says, "We'll just see about that, get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand.
He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.
The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man''s shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"
"Sand," says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand.He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.
"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about. I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"
Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."

Women should not have children

Women should not have children after 35. Really... 35 children are enough.
Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys.
After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.
I am a nobody. Nobody is perfect. Therefore, I am perfect.
I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been giving me lately!
No one ever says, "It's only a game," when their team is winning.
I gave my son a hint. On his room door I put a sign: "CHECKOUT TIME IS 18"
"If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?"
Why do we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?"
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
On my first day of school my parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery. There I was... surrounded by trees and bushes.
Why is it that most n*dists are people you don't want to see naked?
I earn a seven-figure salary. Unfortunately, there's a decimal point involved.
The next time you feel like complaining, remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world.
Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years .... then we met.
Home is where you can say anything you like 'cause nobody listens to you anyway.
I live in my own little world, but it's ok, they know me here.
Sign in pet store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the 'terminal'?
I see your IQ test results were negative.
I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.
Regular naps prevent old age..... especially if you take them while driving.

Husband's note on refrigerato

Husband's note on refrigerator for wife:
Someone from the Gyna Colleges called.
They said the Pabst beer is normal.
I didn't know you liked beer.

 Mega Moron Awards

MEGA MORON AWARDS
Tennessee: A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole the bank's video camera, while the camera was remotely recording. (That is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn't get the videotape of himself stealing the camera).
Louisiana: A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, was a crime committed?]
Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.
New York: As a female shopper exited a convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police had apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes Officer..that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
Ann Arbor:The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50am, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.