Christmas jokes - jokes about christmas day (181 to 195)

Golf on Christmas...

Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how for Christmas this year he'd love to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.

His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early on Christmas morning."

Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the links. The first guy says, "Boy, this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."

Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."

Number 3 guy says " Well, my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."

They all turn to the last guy in the group and he is staring at them like they have lost their minds. "I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I patted my wife on the butt and said, 'Well babe, is it sex or golf?' and she said, 'Take your sweater, looks like it might be windy out there'."

Christmas Italian Style

Twas the night before Christmas,

Da whole house was mella,

Not a creature was stirrin',

Cuz I had a gun unda da pilla.

When up on da roof

I heard somethin' pound,

I sprung to da window,

To scream, "YO! Keep it down!"

When what to my

Wanderin' eyes should appear,

But da Don of all elfs,

And eight friggin' reindeer!

Wit' slicked back black hair,

And a silk red suit,

don Christopher wuz here,

And he brought da loot!

Wit' a slap to dare snouts,

And a yank on dare manes,

He cursed and he shouted,

And he called dem by name.

"Yo Tony, Yo Frankie,

Yo Vinny, Yo Vito,

Ay Joey, Ay Paulie,

Ay Pepe, Ay Guido!"

As I drew out my gun

And hid by da bed,

He flew troo da winda

And slapped me 'side da head.

"What da hell you doin'

Pullin' a gun on da Don?

Now all you're gettin' is coal,

You friggin' moron!"

Den pointin' a fat finga

Right unda my nose,

He twisted his pinky ring,

And up da chimney he rose.

He sprang to his sleigh,

Obscenities screamin',

Away dey all flew,

Before he troo dem a beatin'.

Den I heard him yell out,

What I did least expect,

"Merry Friggin' Christmas to all,

And yous better show some respect!"

 Military Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the skies,
Air defenses were up, with electronic eyes.
Combat pilots were nestled in ready-room beds,
As enemy silhouettes danced in their heads.
Every jet on the apron, each SAM in its tube,
Was triply-redundant, linked to the Blue Cube,
And ELINT and AWACS gave coverage so dense
That nothing that flew could slip through our defense.
When out of the klaxon arose such a clatter
I dashed to the screen to see what was the matter;
I increased the gain and then, quick as a flash,
Fine-adjusted the filters to damp out the hash.
And there found the source of the warning we'd heeded:
An incoming blip, by eight escorts preceded.
"Alert status red!" went the word down the wire,
As we gave every system the codes that meant "FIRE!"
On Aegis! Up Patriot, Phalanx and Hawk,
And scramble our fighters--let's send the whole flock.
Launch decoys and missiles, use chaff by the yard!
Get the kitchen sink up! Call the National Guard!
They turned toward the target, moved toward it, converged.
Till the tracks on the radar all finally merged,
And the sky was lit up with a demonic light,
As the foe met his fate in the high arctic night.
So we sent out some recon to look for debris,
Yet all that they found, both on land and on sea
Were some toys, a red hat, a charred left leather boot,
Broken sleigh bells, white hair, and a deer's parachute.
Now it isn't quite Christmas, with Saint Nick shot down.
There are unhappy kids in each village and town.
For the Spirit of Christmas can't hope to evade
All the web of defenses we've carefully made.
But a crash program's on: Working hard, night and day,
All the elves are constructing a radar-proof sleigh.
So let's wait for next Christmas, in cheer and in health,
For the future has hope: Santa's coming by stealth!

Redneck quickies 2

You might be a redneck if...

Your home has more miles on it than your car.

Your Christmas tree is still up in February.

You've ever been arrested for loitering.

You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouvre.

There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.

You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.

You've ever shot anyone for looking at you.

You own a homemade fur coat.

Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

Your momma has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

Attitude toward whiskey...

A Congressman was once asked about his attitude toward whiskey. "If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it.

But if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it. This is my position, and I will not compromise."

You might be a redneck if 71

You might be a reneck if...

Any time your kids see a dog they get out their ropes and lasso it and tackle it to the ground.

Your master bathroom has the words "porta" and "potty" written on the side.

You can't take a bath in the winter 'cause the stream is frozen.

You only bathe when it rains.

You think "Dueling Banjos" is classical music.

You refer to the Surgeon General's Warning on a pack of cigarettes as your medical encyclopedia.

You go to garage sales to shop for Christmas gifts.

You're 42 and still have clowns come to your birthday party.

You think 'possum is the "other white meat".

Your husband spray paints the upholstery of your car to make it look new.

Represent Christmas

Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something relating or associated with Christmas.
The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in.
The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in.
The third man pulls out a pair of stockings.
Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?"
"They're Carol's."

12 Days of Red-Neck Christmas

Sung to the tune of "The 12 Days of Christmas"

12 pack of Bud

11 rasslin tickets

10 a Copenhagen

9 years probation

8 table dancers

7 pack of Redman

6 cans of spam

5 FLANNEL SHIRTS....

4 big mo tires

3 shotgun shells

2 hunting dogs

and parts to a Mustang GT...

Georgia far

A traveling salesman from New York was traveling through Georgia around Christmas time and stopped at a convenience store next to a church.

He told the lady cashier that the nativity scene next door was really beautiful but he couldn't understand why the three wise men had firemens helmets on.

The lady said "that's the trouble with you yankees, you never read your Bibles or you would know."

He said "maam, I have read my Bible through three times and I have never seen anything to explain this."

She said, " I will show you" and opened up her bible. " It says right here that the three wise men came from a "far".

“Clement Moore was ty

“Clement Moore was tying his tie before going to Christmas Eve service. He said, 'Twas the knot before Christmas.'”

 Must Be Out Of Shape

The Top Signs You're Out of Shape

1. You've ever torn something just trying to turn off the alarm clock.
   
2. People at work only refer to you by saying "Hey fatso!"
   
3. You've thrown your back out by carrying a bag of groceries.
   
4. Random strangers come up, poke you in the stomach and expect you to giggle.
   
5. Your record is 34 Pushups and you could have done more if the Ice Cream Man would have taken plastic.
   
6. You get the Christmas gift of Jigglin' To The Oldies.
   
7. You cramp up while watching the New York City Marathon.
   
8. Watching Rocky 5 is your idea of a workout video.
   
9. The sales clerk nicely but firmly pulls you away from the jeans rack and whispers "Its Sansabelt Time, Tubby"
   

Harmonica

"Thanks for the harmonica you gave me for Christmas," little Joshua said to his uncle the first time he saw him after the holidays. "It's the best present I ever got."

"That's great," said his uncle. "Do you know how to play it?"

"Oh, I don't play it," the little fellow said. "My mom gives me a dollar a day not to play it during the day and my dad gives me five dollars a week not to play it at night.

Church Signs

"Beat the Christmas rush, come to church this Sunday!"
"Don't wait for the hearse to take you to church."
"Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case."
"Life has many choices. Eternity has two. What's yours?"
"Worry is interest paid on trouble before it is due."

The wise old Mother Superior f

The wise old Mother Superior from county Tipperary was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it. Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother Superior drank a little, then a little more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.
"Mother", the nuns pleaded, "Please give us some wisdom before you die". She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and said, "Don't sell that cow".

 Cards Not In Hallmark

Cards You Will Never See In Hallmark

1. "Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife."
   
2. "How could two people as beautiful you have such an ugly baby?"
   
3. "I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind."
   
4. "I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in Hell til I met you."
   
5. "Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What was I thinking?"
   
6. "As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me."
   
7. "If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."
   
8. "As you grow older, Mom, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..."
   
9. "Thanks for being a part of my life!!!I never knew what evil was before this!"
   
10. "Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would like to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."
    
11. "Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."
    
12. "Sorry things didn't work out, but I can't handle guys with boobs that are bigger than mine."
    
13. "Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...Almost Lifelike!
    
14. "When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broke up, I think it's time you kept your promise."
    
15. "I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."
    
16. "We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it quits."
    
17. "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here."
    
18. "Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?"
    
19. "You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket.... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."
    
20. "Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday ---so we're having you put to sleep."
    
21. "Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!" (available only in Arkansas)