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Christmas jokes - jokes about christmas day (301 to 315)Jokes about christmas day. These are the jokes listed 301 to 315. |
Signs Your Wife Might Be Having An Affair With Santa . . .
Instead of mailing your kids letters to santa, she just stuffs them in her bra
She smells kinda like a combination of peppermint sticks and reindeer chow
For christmas, your kids get something called "The Your Daddy SUCKS Doll"
She refers to your bed as "Santa's Workshop"
Paramedics had to use the jaws of life to jar her outta the chimney
When you ask for sex she says: "Not tonight--visions of sugarplums are dancing in my head"
Avoiding the crowds...
It was Christmas Eve and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, "What are you charged with?"
"Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant.
"What?!? That's no offense," said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?"
"Before the store opened," he replied.
Saint Peter (Pun)
Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter heaven. On entering they are told that they must present something "Christmassy." in order to get in.
The first man searches his pocket, and finds some pine needles from the family's Christmas tree. He is let in.
The second man presents a bow and some ribbon, from presents that were opened earlier in that night. So he is also allowed in.
The third man pulls out a pair of panties. Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?"
To which he replies, "Oh, . . . They're Carol's."
Short funny jokes-Raw cookie dough
A woman was waiting in the che...
A woman was waiting in the checkout line at a shopping center. Her arms were laden with a mop and broom and other cleaning supplies. By her hard glances and deep sighs, it was obvious she was in hurry and not a happy camper about the slowness of the line.When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap, the woman remarked indignantly, "Well, I'll be lucky to get out of here and home before Christmas!"
"Don't worry, ma'am," replied the clerk. "With a good tail wind and that brand new broom you have there, you'll be home in no time."
A woman was waiting in the che...
A woman was waiting in the checkout line at a shopping center. Her arms were laden with a mop and broom and other cleaning supplies. By her hard glances and deep sighs, it was obvious she was in hurry and not a happy camper about the slowness of the line.When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap, the woman remarked indignantly, "Well, I'll be lucky to get out of here and home before Christmas!"
"Don't worry, ma'am," replied the clerk. "With a good tail wind and that brand new broom you have there, you'll be home in no time."
Santa and the FAA
Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration, and the FAA examiner arrived last week for the pre-Christmas flight check.In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his log book out and made sure all his paperwork was in order. He knew they would examine all his equipment and truly put Santa's flying skills to the test.
The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and even Rudolph's nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for sled's enormous payload. Finally, they were ready for the check ride. Santa got in and fastened his seat belt and shoulder harness and checked the compass.
Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun.
"What's that for?!?" Asked Santa incredulously.
The examiner winked and said, "I'm not supposed to tell you this ahead of time," as he leaned over to whisper in Santa's ear, "but you're gonna lose an engine on takeoff."
The night before Christmas for an attorney
Whereas, on an occasion immediately preceding the Nativity festival,throughout a dwelling unit, quiet descended, in which could be heard no disturbance, not even the sound emitted by a diminutive rodent related to, and in form resembling, a rat; andWhereas, the offspring of the occupants had affixed their tubular, closely knit coverings for the nether limbs to the flue of the fireplace in expectation that a personage known as St.Nicholas would arrive; and
Whereas, said offspring had become somnolent, and were entertaining re: saccharine-flavored fruit; and
Whereas, the adult male of the family, et ux, attired in proper headgear, had also become quiescent in anticipation of nocturnal inertia; and
Whereas, a distraction on the snowy acreage outside aroused the owner to investigate; and
Whereas, he perceived in a most unbelieving manner a vehicle propelled by eight domesticated quadrupeds of a species found in arctic regions; and
Whereas, a most odd rotund gentleman was entreating the aforesaid animals by their appellations, as follows:
"Your immediate co-operation is requested. Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, and Vixen; and collective action by you will be much appreciated, Comet, Cupid, Donner, and Blitzen"; and
Whereas, subsequent to the above, there occurred a swift descent to the hearth by the aforementioned gentleman, where he proceeded to deposit gratuities in the aforementioned tubular coverings.
Now, therefore, be ye advised: that upon completion of these acts, and upon his return to his original point of departure, he proclaimed a felicitation of the type prevalent and suitable to these occasions, i.e.:
Q: How come legacy programmers...
Q: How come legacy programmers get Halloween and Christmas confused?A: Because Oct 31 = Dec 25 (Octal 31 = Decimal 25)
Santa on Trial
Santa on TrialYou are accused, Mr. Santa Claus, alias Saint Nick, alias Kris Kringle, age unknown, of no fixed abode, with the following charges:
Failing to apply for landed immigrant status from Finland to the North Pole
Crossing the Canadian-USA border illegally on December 25 of each year as far back as records go
Failing to operate a union toy shop, and not paying your elves and dwarfs the minimum wage, provide paid vacations and wages at time and a half for more than 40 hour work weeks, or meeting the standards of the Worker's Compensation Boards Failing to transmit unemployment insurance payments, income tax deductions and Canada Pension payments to the proper authorities on behalf of your employees
You are accused of the illegal entry of millions of Canadian homes on December 25 of each year
Violating the Federal Anti-Combines Investigation Act by operating a tight monopoly
Failing to file a flight plan for your travels
Failing to equip your vehicle with seat belts or properly fitting your reindeer with emission control devises Not declaring as taxable income the cookies and milk left for you by millions each year
Illegally competing with the Canadian Post Office, and possible breaking drug laws by administering an unauthorized drug to Rudolph to make his nose light up
And finally, parking in a no parking zone, namely rooftops, and having no record of either a driver's or pilot's licence ever being issued to a Mister Claus in any of the ten provinces and two territories.
Faced with all these accusations and understanding their severity, have you any statement to make before I . . . wish you a . . Merry Christmas, a Happy New Year and dismiss these charges?
Christmas jokes-Little angel
Four of his elves were away sick and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones. So, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then, Mrs. Claus popped in to tell Santa that her mother was coming to stay for Christmas; which stressed him even more.
After a while, he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and run away, heaven knows where to.
Then, when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards broke and several large toy-bags fell to the ground, scattering their contents all over the place. Needless to say, Santa was not in the best of moods.
Suddenly, the doorbell rang and he went to the door expecting another problem. But when he opened it, there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree that she had brought especially to cheer him up.
The angel greeted him very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa Claus. Isn't it just a wonderful day? I have a beautiful tree for you. See, isn't it just the loveliest Christmas tree you've ever seen? Where would you like me to put it?"
Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
