Christmas jokes - jokes about christmas day (331 to 345)

Signs You Bought a Lousy Tree

7. Salesman's opening line: "You're not a cop, are you?"

6. It looks suspiciously like a broom handle with a lot of coat hangers

5. While you sleep, it gets liquored up and takes the family caravan for a joy ride.

4. Each branch has "Duraflame" printed on it.

3. It's very small and says "air freshener" on it.

2. Rabbis have better Christmas trees than yours.

1. Constantly bragging about its "trunk size"

Church Signs

"Beat the Christmas rush, come to church this Sunday!"
"Don't wait for the hearse to take you to church."
"Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case."
"Life has many choices. Eternity has two. What's yours?"
"Worry is interest paid on trouble before it is due."

Pick up lines that m

2. I'd like to wrap your legs around my head and wear you like a feed bag.

3. If it's true that we are what we eat, I could be you by morning!

4. How do you like your eggs: poached, scrambled, or fertilized?

5. I was about to go masturbate and I needed a name to go with your face.

6. You are so fine that I'd eat your shit just to see where it came from.

7. My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in.

8. Roses are red. Violets are blue. I like spaghetti. Let's go fuck.

9. Is that a keg in your pants? 'Cause I would love to tap that ass!

10. If your right leg was Thanksgiving, and your left leg was Christmas, could I meet you between the holidays?

11. You remind me of a championship bass, I don't know whether to mount you or eat you!

12. Your parents must be retarded, because you are special. 13. Could I touch your belly button . . . from the inside? 14. I'm not too good at algebra, but doesn't U+I = 69?

15. How about we play lion and lion tamer? You hold your mouth open, and I'll give you the meat.

16. Guy: "Would you like to dance?"

Girl: "I don't care for this song and surely wouldn't dance with you."

Guy: "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants"

17. I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house. 18. Fuck me if I'm wrong, but is your name Yolanda?

19. I love every bone in your body - especially mine.

20. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

21. Hey baby, what's your sign? Caution, slippery when wet, dangerous curves ahead, yield?

22. I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this motel room.

23. Wanna play Pearl Harbor?....Its a game where I lay back while you blow the hell out of me.

24. Your body's name must be Visa, because it's everywhere I want to be. 25. Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money? 26. I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.

27. That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you, I'd be coming too.

28. I'd like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it.

29. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.

Redneck quickies 7

You refer to the time you won a free case of oil as the "day my ship came in."

Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.

Your mother has been involved in a fist fight at a high school sports event.

You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.

You own all the components of soap on a rope except the soap.

The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.

You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen.

The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.

Your brother-in-law is your uncle.

You entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.

Actual instruction lables found on products...

ON A BAG OF FRITOS:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP:
Directions: Use like regular soap.

ON A FROZEN DINNER:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.

ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP:
Fits one head.

ON TESCO'S TIRAMISU DESERT:
Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)

ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING:
Product will be hot after heating.

ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON:
Do not iron clothes on body.

ON BOOTS CHILDRENS' COUGH MEDICINE:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.

ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID):
Warning: may cause drowsiness.

ON A KITCHEN KNIFE:
Warning keep out of children.

ON A STRING OF CHRISTMAS LIGHTS: For indoor or outdoor use only.

ON A FOOD PROCESSOR:
Not to be used for the other use.

ON SAINSBURY'S PEANUTS:
Warning: contains nuts.

ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

ON A CHAINSAW:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.

Golf on Christmas...

Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how for Christmas this year he'd love to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.

His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early on Christmas morning."

Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the links. The first guy says, "Boy, this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."

Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."

Number 3 guy says " Well, my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."

They all turn to the last guy in the group and he is staring at them like they have lost their minds. "I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I patted my wife on the butt and said, 'Well babe, is it sex or golf?' and she said, 'Take your sweater, looks like it might be windy out there'."

Attitude toward whiskey...

A Congressman was once asked about his attitude toward whiskey. "If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it.

But if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it. This is my position, and I will not compromise."

Santa is a Woman

Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!

For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they – with amazing calm – call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree.

Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th-hour decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman.

Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.

Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted, and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh, amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.

Even if the male Santa did have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost in the snow and clouds, and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.

Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.

Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
- Men can't pack a bag.
- Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
- Men would feel their masculinity is threatened, having to be seen with all those elves.
- Men don't answer their mail.
- Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described, even in jest, as anything remotely resembling a “bowlful of jelly.”
- Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men. Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy. Cupid flies around carrying weapons. Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers. Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance.

You might be a redneck if 04

The taillight covers of your car are made of tape.

Your car has never had a full tank of gas.

Any of your kids were conceived in a car wash.

Your momma has ever been involved in a cuss fight with the principal.

You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.

You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.

Your good deed for the month was hiding your brother for a few days.

Your wheelbarrow breaks and it takes four relatives to figure out how to fix it.

You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.

Your favorite T-shirt is offensive in thirteen states.

Twelve days Microsoft

On the 2nd day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 3rd day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 3 ports not responding, 2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 4th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 4 sectors bad, 3 ports not responding, 2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 5th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 5 eighty six, 4 sectors bad, 3 ports not responding, 2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 6th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 6 ints conflictin', 5 eighty six, 4 sectors bad, 3 ports not responding, 2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 7th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 7 files missin', 6 ints conflictin', 5 eighty six, 4 sectors bad, 3 ports not responding, 2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 8th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 8 Megs overflowin', 7 files missin', 6 ints conflictin', 5 eighty six, 4 sectors bad, 3 ports not responding, 2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 9th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 9 apps a crashin', 8 Megs overflowin', 7 files missin', 6 ints conflictin', 5 eighty six, 4 sectors bad, 3 ports not responding, 2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 10th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 10 modes not supported, 9 apps a crashin', 8 Megs overflowin', 7 files missin', 6 ints conflictin', 5 eighty six, 4 sectors bad, 3 ports not responding, 2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 11th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 11 instructions faulty, 10 modes not supported, 9 apps a crashin', 8 Megs overflowin', 7 files missin', 6 ints conflictin', 5 eighty six, 4 sectors bad, 3 ports not responding, 2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 12th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 12 sound cards silent, 11 instructions faulty, 10 modes not supported, 9 apps a crashin', 8 Megs overflowin', 7 files missin', 6 ints conflictin', 5 eighty six, 4 sectors bad, 3 ports not responding, 2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC!

Laura Kightlinger: Holidays for the Lonely

An elderly couple was sitting ...

Merry Christmas law

Please accept without obligation, express or implied, these best wishes for an environmentally safe, socially responsible, low stress, non addictive, and gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday as practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice (but with respect for the religious or secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or for their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all) and further for a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated onset of the generally accepted calendar year (including, but not limited to, the Christian calendar, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures). The preceding wishes are extended without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, or sexual preference of the wishee(s).

You might be a redneck...

You've ever given a set of Tupperware ice tea glasses as a wedding present.

Your dungarees expose more than half of your crack in the back because the weight of your pocket knife.

Your idea of heaven involves two shotguns and a keg of beer.

You picket your horses on your lawn so you won't have to mow it.

You're wearing a camoflauge jacket and dipping in your driver's license pic.

You stop to flirt with the person running the drive through at McDonalds.

You save old kitchen appliances for target practice.

You save old kitchen appliances for children's Christmas presents.

You get up EARLY on Saturday to go yard sale shopping for entertainment.

Your gun cabinet takes up half your living room.

You might be a redneck if 57

You live close enough to town to get garbage service, but don't use it because they won't come down your driveway to get it.

The fellows on the big garbage moving equipment recoginze your wife.... and wave to her.

Your wife picks thru your garbage cans looking for any bait that may have grown in them since the last time you went.

You have ever removed the 3-9 zoom scope from your deer rifle to use at a KISS concert.

You have more than 2 used pampers rolling around in the back of your truck.

When you put your hunting boots on you only get them on the right feet 50% of the time.

Your idea of a neighborhood watch program is tuning into "America's Most Wanted".

You own more than two clappers.

You go to Wal-Mart to people watch.

You recycle enough Copenhagen lids to buy Christmas presents.