Christmas jokes - jokes about christmas day (436 to 450)

You Might Be A Redneck If 10

You might be a redneck if...
You've ever shot a deer from inside your house.
The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are "Howdy!", "HEY!" or "How Y'all Doin'?" (If they respond with the same... they're a redneck too!)
You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
You've ever stolen toilet paper from a public restroom.
You clean your nails with a stick.
You prefer car keys to Q-tips.
Your Christmas cards have a copy of your butt included.
People are scared to touch your wife's bathrobe.
Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.
You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.

Church Sign Chuckles

Some favorite messages spotted on church signs or billboards, submitted by Beliefnet members:
-Fire Insurance Inside
-This Church Is Prayer Conditioned
-God Answers Knee Mail
-PRAY NOW! Avoid Christmas Rush!
-Sign broken, come inside for message
-This is a ch--ch. What's missing? U R!
-Stop in the name of love and meet the Supreme
-Wal-Mart's not the only savings place
-The best position is on your knees!

After the Office Party

John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonising the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."

"He's an asshole," John said. "Piss on him."

"You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."

"Well, screw him!" said John.

"I did. You're back at work on Monday.

Bush Sues Santa

BUSH LEGAL TEAM SUES SANTA CLAUS By S. Artist Reuters
AUSTIN, TX (Dec. 4) - Attorneys for Texas Governor George W. Bush filed suit in federal court today, seeking to prevent Santa Claus from making his list and then checking it twice. The complaint seeks an immediate injunction against the beloved Christmas icon, asking the court to effectively ban his traditional practice of checking the list of good boys and girls one additional time before packing his sleigh.
The suit, filed in the Federal District Court of Austin, Texas, asks a federal judge to "hereby order Mr. Claus to cease and desist all repetitive and duplicative list-checking activity, and certify the original list as submitted, without amendment, alteration, deletion, or other unnecessary modification."
"There are no standards for deciding who is naughty, and who is nice. It's totally arbitrary and capricious. How many more times does he need to check? This checking, checking, and re-checking over and over again must stop now," said former Secretary James Baker.
Baker further claimed that unnamed GOP observers witnessed an elf removing all boys named Justin from the 'nice' list, filing them under 'naughty' instead because "everyone knows all boys named Justin are brats."
Gov. Bush cited the potential for unauthorized list tampering, and blasted what he called the "crazy, crazy mess up there at the North Pole."
"Their security is really awful, really bad," said Bush. "My mother just walked right in, told 'em she was Mrs. Claus. They didn't check her ID or nothing."
Meanwhile, Dick Cheney, Gov. Bush's running mate, issued a direct plea to St. Nick himself. "Mr. Claus, I call on you to do the honorable thing, and quit checking your list. The children of the world have had enough. They demand closure now," Cheney said, adding that his granddaughter has already selected a name for the pony she's asked for.
The Rev. Jesse Jackson was quick to respond to this latest development with plans to lead his protesters from Florida to the North Pole via dogsled. The "Million Man Mush" is scheduled to leave Friday. "We need red suits and sleighs, not law suits and delays," Jackson said.
Santa Claus could not be reached for comment, but an spokeself said he was "deeply distressed" by news of the pending legal action against him.
"He's losing weight, and he hasn't said 'Ho Ho' for days," said the spokeself. "He's just not feeling jolly."
A weary nation can relate.

Oxymorons

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
10. Why are they called " stands" when they are made for sitting?
11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?
21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?
27. Christmas - What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?
28. Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway ? I dunno, why do we?

The Santa Claus at the mall wa...

The Santa Claus at the mall was very surprised when a young lady about twenty years old walked up and sat on his lap. Santa doesn't usually take requests from adults, but she smiled very nicely at him, so he asked her, "OK, What do you want for Christmas?"

"Something for my mother," said the young lady.

"Something for your mother? Well, that's very thoughtful of you!" smiled Santa. "What do you want me to bring her?"

Without blinking she replied, "A son-in-law!"

Working on Christmas?

Q: Why is getting Christmas presents for your kids just like a day at the office?
A: You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.

There were two blondes who wen...

There were two blondes who went deep into the frozen woods searching for a Christmas tree.

After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with hungry wolves, one blonde turned to the other and said, "I'm chopping down the next tree I see. I don't care whether it's decorated or not!"

Christmas Day Jokes - One Liners #joke #Christmas

What do monkeys sing at Christmas?
Jungle Bells, Jungle bells..!
Why are Christmas trees like bad knitters?
They both drop their needles!
What's Christmas called in England?
Yule Britannia!
What did the bald man say when he got a comb for Christmas?
Thanks, I'll never part with it!
Why is a burning candle like being thirsty?
Beacause a little water ends both of them!
What do you get if you cross an apple with a Christmas tree?
A pineapple!
What do you give a train driver for Christmas?
Platform shoes!
What did the big candle say to the little candle?
I'm going out tonight!
Whats happens to you at Christmas?
Yule be happy!
How long does it take to burn a candle down?
About a wick!

When the Circus Is in Town

The Catholic parish was having its penitential rite in preparation for Christmas. The circus was in town and the tumbler decided to go to the service and make his confession.
The priest he confessed to was sitting next to the communion railing. The tumbler confessed his sins and then told the priest what he did for a living. The priest was fascinated. Using the communion rail, the tumbler gave the priest a demonstration of his moves.
Two women were in line, watching all this. Mable said to her friend, "If that is what the Father is giving for a penance, I had better go home and put on my pantsuit."
- Joke shared by Beliefnet member Blaise CP

Christmas In Heaven

Three men all die on Christmas Day, and arrive at the pearly gates. Peter greets them and tells them that they are all evil men who SHOULD go to hell - but because its Christmas, hell let them into heaven if they have something representing the holiday with them. One of the guys has a Christmas ornament, and gets let in. Another guy has pine needles on his shirt, and gets let in. The third guy pulls out a pair of panties. How do those represent Christmas? asks Peter. These are Carols.

Christmas In Heaven

Three men all die on Christmas Day, and arrive at the pearly gates. Peter greets them and tells them that they are all evil men who SHOULD go to hell - but because its Christmas, hell let them into heaven if they have something representing the holiday with them. One of the guys has a Christmas ornament, and gets let in. Another guy has pine needles on his shirt, and gets let in. The third guy pulls out a pair of panties. How do those represent Christmas? asks Peter. These are Carols.

Christmas Eve Jokes - One Liners #joke #Christmas

What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
It's Christmas, Eve!
How do you make an idiot laugh on boxing day?
Tell him a joke on Christmas Eve!
What do you have in December that you don't have in any other month?
The letter "D"!
What does Father Christmas suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney?
Santa Claustrophobia!
What do you call a letter sent up the chimney on Christmas Eve?
Black mail!
Who delievers cat's Christmas presents?
Santa Paws!
Why does Father Christmas go down the chimney?
Because it soots him!
Who delievers elephants's Christmas presents?
Elephanta Claus!
How many chimney does Father Christmas go down ?
Stacks!
Why is Santa like a bear on Christmas Eve ?
Because he's Sooty!

It's Christmas Eve and mo...

It's Christmas Eve and mom is busily preparing the last minute decorations in the family room when little Sally say: "Mom, don't forget to put out the treat for Santa next to the fireplace." Distracted, the mom thanks Sally and goes to the kitchen for Santa's treat. Later, when putting her to bed Sally says. "Mom, why did you put a can of Slim-fast next to Santa's treat?" Distracted and anxious to get back downstairs to finish the decorations mom replies. "Daddy is on a diet."

Christmas Eve Accident

Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something related to or associated with Christmas.
The first man searches his pockets and finds mistletoe, so he is allowed in.
The second man presents a candy cane, so he is also allowed in.The third man pulls out a pair of stockings.
Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?"
"They're Carol's."