Divorce jokes (166 to 180)

A New York Lawyer

A New York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates.

Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?"

The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street."

Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.

Saint Peter said, "Well, that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven."

The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter."

Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.

Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"

Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, "Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."

Words for the Wise

1 . Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.
4. I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.
5. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."
6. I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.
7. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
8. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
9. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.
10. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's.
11. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
12. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.
13. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
14. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
15. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
16. Why is it that most n*dists are people you don't want to see naked?
17. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
18. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"
19. A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn..that was fun!

God v. The Devil - Genesis Revised?

In The Beginning, God created the Heaven and the Earth.

And the Earth was without form, and void, And darkness was

upon the face of

the deep.

And the Devil said, "It doesn't get any better than this."

And so God created Man in His own image; Male and female He

created them.

And God looked upon Man and Woman And saw that they were

lean and fit.

And God populated the earth With broccoli and cauliflower

and spinach

And green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, So Man and

Woman would live

long and healthy lives.

And so the Devil created McDonald's.

And McDonald's brought forth the 79-cent double

cheeseburger.

And the Devil said to Man, "You want fries with that?"

And Man said, "Super size them."

And Man gained five pounds.

And so God created the healthful yogurt, That Woman might

keep her figure.

But the Devil brought forth chocolate.

And Woman gained five pounds.

And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."

And the Devil brought forth Ben and Jerry's.

And Woman gained 10 pounds.

And God said, "Why doth thou eatest thus?

I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables And olive oil with

which to cook

them."

But the Devil brought forth chicken fried steak So big it

needed its own

platter.

And Man gained 10 pounds And his bad cholesterol went

through the roof.

And so God brought forth running shoes.

And Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.

And the Devil brought forth cable TV with remote control So

Man would not

have to toil to change channels

between ESPN and ESPN2.

And Man gained another 20 pounds.

And so God brought forth the potato, A vegetable naturally

low in fat and

brimming with nutrition.

And the Devil peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the

starchy center

into chips and deep-fat fried them.

And the Devil created sour cream dip.

And Man clutched his remote control And ate the potato chips

swaddled in

cholesterol.

And the Devil saw and said, "It is good."

And Man went into cardiac arrest.

And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

And the Devil cancelled Man's health insurance.

So God showed Woman how to peel the skin off chicken.

And cook the nourishing whole grain brown rice.

And the Devil created light beer So Man could poison his

body, While feeling

righteous because he had to drink

twice as much of the now-insipid brew to get the same buzz.

And Man gained another 10 pounds.

And Woman ventured forth Into the land of Godiva chocolate,

And upon

returning asked Man, "Do I look fat?"

And the Devil said, "Always tell the truth."

And Man did.

And Woman went out from the presence of Man And dwelt in the

land of the

divorce lawyer, East of the marriage counselor.

And the Devil said, "It doesn't get any better than this."

Expensive Barbie!

A man was driving home from work one evening when he suddenly realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't yet bought her a gift.

So, the man rushed off to the nearest toy store and asked the sales clerk, "How much is that Barbie in the window?"

The sales clerk replied in a condescending tone, "Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorce Barbie for $265.00."

The overwhelmed man asked, "Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 and all the others are only $19.95?"

"That's obvious!" said the sales clerk. "Divorce Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture..."

At a divorce court a family of...

At a divorce court a family of bears is waiting for the judge to grant custody of little bear.
The judge asks the baby bear; “do you want to live with papa bear?” The baby bear replied; "No he beats me. " The judge asked, so do you want to live with mommy bear! The baby bear said, "No she beats me too." The judge asked, "Then whom do you want to live with?" The baby bear says, "The Chicago bears, they don't beat anyone!"

Eternal Marriage

On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple has a fatal car accident. The couple is sitting outside heaven's gate waiting on St.Peter to do an intake. While waiting, they wonder if they could possibly get married in Heaven. St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him. St. Peter says, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has ever asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.
The couple sits for a couple of months and begin to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work out?" they wonder, "Are we stuck together forever?"
St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."
"Great," says the couple, "but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground!
"What's wrong?" exclaims the frightened couple. "Come on!" St. Peter exclaims, "It took me three months to find a priest up here!
Do you have any idea how long it's going to take for me to find a lawyer!?"

The Technical Geek Test

Are you a tehcnical geek?
Do you have a problem with overdoing your technical activities? Many do. Take the following test to see if you are compulsive. If you can relate to 2 of the items, you may have a problem with Techno-Dweeb. If you relate to 3 or more, you are definitely a Techno-Dweeb. Do not despair! There is help! You are not alone! Whenever you feel the urge to code in Assembler, call the number in the white pages of your phone book, and we will send somebody right over to cut out paper dolls with you until the feeling passes.
You know you are a tehcnical geek when . . .
When your friend tells you all about his Cressida V6 and you reply "Yeah, I had V5, and it was full of bugs!"
When driving you see a license plate with the letters DSR, and you feel compelled to touch your bumper to the other car to see if you can raise CD.
When you are counting objects "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...".
When you lay down in the afternoon for a short rest, end up sleeping 4 hours, and call it a "mega-nap".
When your friend is going to Essex for vacation and you tell her, "You really should go for the DX, it has the built in co-processor."
When you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors.
When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.
When you convince yourself that Tetris really does improve eye-hand coordination.
When the radio traffic reporter talks about a backup caused by a crash, and you correct her that a backup is good protection in case of a crash.
When floppy drive applies more to your love life, and hard drive to your machines.
When you call "*.*" star-dot-star.
When you can do hexadecimal arithmatic in your head.
When your wife goes to the market for some macintosh apples, and you correct her, "No, dear, it's 'Apple Macintosh'."
When your wife says "If you don't turn off that stupid machine and come to bed, then I am going to divorce you!", and you chastise her for for omitting the else clause.

Dining out...

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and walks away.

His wife glares at him and says, 'Who was that??!!'

'Oh,' replies the husband, 'that was my mistress.'

The wife says, 'That's it; I want a divorce.'

'I understand,' replies her husband, 'but, remember, if you get a divorce, there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage, and no more country club. But the decision is yours.'

Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman. 'Who's that woman with Jim? ' she asks.

'That's his mistress,' replies her husband.

'Ours is prettier,' says the wife.

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly Side of Life

1. Good: Your wife is pregnant. Bad: it's triplets. Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.
2. Good: Your wife's not talking to you. Bad: She wants a divorce. Ugly: She's a lawyer.
3. Good: Your youngest son is finally maturing. Bad: He's involved with the woman next door. Ugly: So are you.
4. Good: Your wife and you agree, no more kids. Bad: Your wife can't find her birth control pills. Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them.
5. Good: Your oldest son understands fashion. Bad: He's a cross-dresser. Ugly: He looks better than your wife.
6. Good: You give the 'birds and bees' talk to your 10 year old daughter. Bad: She keeps interrupting. Ugly: With corrections.
7. Good: Your son is dating someone new. Bad: It's another man. Ugly: He's your best friend.
8. Good: Your 15 year old daughter got a new job Bad: As a hooker. Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients. Very Ugly: She makes more money than you do.

Guess Who?

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

Divorce Court

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"

Getting Old

1. Your house plants are alive, and you can’t smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favourite song in an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up."
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You’re the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won’t turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don’t know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald’s leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You take naps.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good sh*t."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can’t drink the way I use to" replaces "I’m never going to drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in from of a computer is for real work.
24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking "Oh sh*t, what the hell happened?"
BONUS:
26. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn’t apply to you & can’t find one to save your sorry old butt.

Top 10 Signs that You've ...

Top 10 Signs that You've been Programming too long...

1) When you are counting objects, you go "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...".

2) When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.

3) When your wife says "If you don't turn off that darn machine and come to bed, then I am going to divorce you!", and you chastise her for for omitting the else clause.

4) When you are reading a book and look for the space bar to get to the next page.

5) When you look for your car keys using: "grep keys /dev/pockets"

6) When after fooling around all day with routers etc, you pick up the phone and start dialing an IP number.

7) When you get in the elevator and double-press the button for the floor you want.

8) When not only do you check your email more often than your paper mail, but you remember your network address faster than your postal one.

9) When you go to balance your checkbook and discover that you're doing the math in octal.

A) When you dream in 256 palettes of 256 colors.

Kathy goes to her local bank, ...

Kathy goes to her local bank, walks into the manager’s office, and says, “I want a loan; I am going to divorce my husband.” “Oh, we don’t give loans for divorces,” the manager says. “We offer loans only for things like real estate, appliances, automobiles, businesses, and home improvement.” Kathy interrupts: “Stop right there. This definitely falls into the category of ‘Home Improvement.’”

The judge had just awarded a d...

The judge had just awarded a divorce to Lena, who had charged non-support. He said to Ole, "I have decided to give your wife $400 a month for support." "Vell, dat's fine, Judge," said Ole. "And vunce in a while I'll try to chip in a few bucks myself."