Divorce jokes (91 to 105)

Mike was visiting Jim and disc

Mike was visiting Jim and discussing Jim's problems with his wife when Jim's doorbell rang.
Jim answered the door and was handed a paper, which the deliverer said was a subpoena.
Jim showed it to Mike and asked him if he knew what it was.
Mike, in his pompous lack of knowledge, said, "Of course I know what a subpoena is."
"Well, what exactly is it?" Jim asked.
"Well," said Mike, "that's legal talk. Your wife is suing you for divorce. We know that 'sub' means 'under' and 'poena' is Latin for 'penis'. So 'subpoena' means under the penis -- which means she's got you by the balls."

Clinton one-liners

Clinton and Gore: They have what it takes to take what you've got!

"Carter is no longer the worst U.S. President"

"I am Clinton of Borg. Your incomes will be assimilated."

Thank you, Bill Clinton, for costing me my job. I will repay you in 1996.

Hey Hillary! Shut-up and redecorate!

My other car was cancelled by the Clinton Tax Bill.

It's the spending stupid!

If Clinton was the answer, it must have been a real stupid question!

Clinton in 1996--NOT!!

I'm not Fonda Clinton

Rodhamhood: She steals from everyone to give to the government.

Bill Clinton is living proof why stupid people shouldn't vote.

Voter: "The joke's over, bring back Bush."

Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Draft will begin production in Canada this year.

When Clinton was asked what he thought about foreign affairs, he replied, "I don't know. I never had one."

If you came across Bill Clinton struggling in a raging river and you had a choice between rescuing him or getting a Pulitzer prize-winning photograph, what shutter speed would you use?

Chelsea asked her dad, "Do all fairy tales begin with once upon a time...?" Bill Clinton replied, "No. Some begin with 'After I'm elected...'"

President Clinton will be starring in his own TV show next season. It's called "Welcome Back Carter".

Did you hear it took three secret service agents to hold Hillary's hand down during the swearing-in ceremony?

If the Clinton's divorce before 1996, who will get the house?

When Clinton was asked about Roe vs. Wade, he replied "I think the Haitians had better row because it is too far to wade."

Clinton's mother prayed fervently that Bill would grow up and be president. So far, half of her prayer has been answered.

The money clip of the 90's will be a penny stuck in a paper clip.

Bill Clinton's 11th Commandment: Thou shalt not commit thyself!

Bill Clinton has been mistakenly characterized as a "yes man" when he is really a "yes ma'am."

The problem with a government-run trust fund is that there is too little of either.

Clinton should be proud. He has done more in six months than Jimmy Carter in four years.

Isn't putting Bill Clinton in charge of a trust fund as insane as putting in a draft-dodger as Commander in Chief?

Clinton only lacks three things to become one of America's finest leaders: Integrity, vision, and wisdom.

Asked about his views on euthanasia, Clinton replied, "Youth in Asia are just like kids everywhere else."

Diapers and congressmen need to be changed frequently for much the same reason.

Clinton is doing the work of 3 men: Larry, Curly, and Moe.

If 50% of adults are illiterate, how come Bill only got 43% of the vote?

The good news about Clinton's health care is that everyone will be covered. The bad news is that it will be with dirt.

If character is not an issue, why isn't Ted Kennedy president?

Clinton floated a strike on baseball's opening day but most of his pitches are high and to the left.

If Clinton wanted legislation to burn down the Capitol building, Republicans in the Senate would introduce a compromise bill to burn it down over three years.

Food stamps are rationed so what makes you think government-run health care won't be?

No one can call Clinton a cheap taxpayer. Look at how much he is costing the taxpayers.

When Bill's Congress passes a law, it's a joke...but when Hillary tells a joke, it' the law.

Ever since he met JFK, Clinton wanted to be president in the worst possible way...now he's succeeding beyond his wildest dreams.

Oxymoron of 1994: Whitewater Development.

Have you heard about the new Bill Clinton doll? You pull the string and it never tells the same story twice!

A George Bush watch has no hands and says "read my lips."

A Ross Perot watch only runs sometimes.

A Clinton watch has two faces and neither one works.

One thing's sure about Clinton--he sure doesn't neglect domestic affairs.

Bob Kerrey, when asked about Bill Clinton dodging the draft: "Do I care if he evaded the draft? Well, a part of me does." [Mr. Kerrey lost a leg in Vietnam]

Bill Clinton. The perfect thing if pro wrestling is too complicated for you.

A 200 dollar hair cut? What kind of example does that set? With hair like Clinton's, two hundred bucks isn't enough to make it look right.

"Death, Taxes, and Democrats will always be with us, at least Death never gets any worse"

Why doesn't Clinton have the courage to call his plan what it really is? "Socialism"

Clinton is not a "tax and spend" Democrat, he is a "contribute and invest" democrat.

On the Apirl 23, 1993 Tonight show, Jay Leno noted in his monologue that Clinton had broken so many promises that he has actually run out of promises to break! So he has asked his aids to bring him a list of all of Reagan's and Bush's promises so he can start working on breaking their promises too!

I've heard of the Clintons being referred to as Billary, combining Bill and Hillary. Well, why not switch it around and say "Hillbilly"... Hey! That fits all too well. And please I mean no offense to the President. Or her husband.

From The Simpsons in April of 1993:

[Bart] Didn't you think there was something wrong when you were getting checks for doing nothing?

[Grandpa] I thought it was because the Democrats were back in power.

Reporter 1: The cult members seem totally brainwashed, and still place their blind faith in a false savior offering hollow promises of salvation!

Reporter 2: And that concludes our report from the Clinton White House.

The two U.S. cities with the highest alcohol consumption are Las Vegas and Washington, DC. The difference between the two is that in Washington the drunks are gambling with our money!

"Change, change, change... That's all we'll have in our pockets if Bill Clinton is elected president." -- George Bush

"Bill's brother who who owns a band, Politics, will be playing at the inauguration if Bill Clinton gets elected. Bill's brother will bring down the house just like Bill Clinton will bring down the country." -- MTV News

Vote Democrat... It's easier than getting a job.

"They are Drawing Up Lists of Tax Increases and Cuts in Entitlement Programs. One Target: Big Corporations"

Which is worse, a Vice-President who can't spell or a President who can't add?

There are too many bills to pay without having to pay the one in Washington.

We were so poor that even Bill Clinton's tax plan would't call us rich.

"When Clinton said he was going to create 8 million new jobs, I didn't think they were all going to be tax collectors." -- Jay Leno

The trouble with political jokes is that the dumbest one of them got elected President.

Election night

Bill: ``Honey, we won!''

Hillary: ``Honestly?!''

Bill: ``Let's not bring that up...''

Clinton is trying to tell us a no-frills medical care plan. Trouble is, medical care is a frill.

Bill: ``Have you heard my last speech?''

Hillary: ``No, I didn't know it was the last one!''

Want to leave the other country absolutely devasted? Ruined? Unable to function for years?

Well, great, bring the troops home and send over some politicians.

One advantage Clinton has over past presidents is that doesn't have to worry about how much time he should spend on his re-election campaign.

Is Whitewater used to wash the Yellow Streak off of Bill Clinton's draft dodging back?

Oxymoron of the century:

Liberal Mastermind . . .

Whitewater Development

Bill Clinton . . . a good reason not to root for anyone playing Arkansas.

I don't trust President Clinton or her husband.

The Clinton Administration: Stupid is as stupid does.

Democrats seem to think they have a monopoly on protest.

Bill Clinton virus - System makes lots of noise, but nothing happens.

[Post 1994 Election aftermath]

I hear that thousands of rafts overflowing with Democrats are washing up on the shores of Cuba.

"Bill and Hillary have provided the special prosecutor with every shred of evidence they have." -- Al Gore

President Bevis, Vice President Butthead

I thought that happened in November of 1992.

There was a line in George's speech where he said I raised taxes one time and I lived to regret it. Bill Clinton did it 132 times and loved every minute.

"When Bill Clinton blows his taxophone, America will be singing the blues." -- George Bush

Clinton: "I will consult both sides of the issue on Free Trade."

Reporter: "Uh, That would be you Governor Clinton!"

After seeing footage from the new movie "The Lion King," I want to dedicate a movie to Bill Clinton. I'd like to call it "The Lion President."

"Grandma, how long have you an

"Grandma, how long have you and Grandpa been married?" asked young Nina.
"Fifty years," Grandma replied.
"That is so wonderful," exclaimed Nina. "And I bet in all that time, you never once thought about divorce, right?"
"Right Nina. Divorce, NEVER. Murder, lots of times, but never divorce."

Genesis rewritten....

In the beginning God created the heaven and the Earth. And the Earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Devil said, "It doesn't get any better than this."

And God said, "Let there be light" and there was light. And God said, "Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit," and God saw that it was good.

And the devil said, "There goes the neighborhood."

And God said, "Let Us make man in Our image, after Our likeness, and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air and over the cattle, and over all the Earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the Earth." And so God created man in His own image; male and female created He them.

And God looked upon man and woman and saw that they were lean and fit. And the devil said, "I know how I can get back in this game."

And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach and green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so man and woman would live long and healthy lives.

And the devil created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 79-cent double cheeseburger.

And the devil said to man: "You want fries with that?" And man said, "Supersize them." And man gained five pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair. And the devil brought forth chocolate. And woman gained five pounds.

And God said, "Try My crispy fresh salad."

And the devil brought forth Ben and Jerry's. And woman gained 10 pounds.

And God said, "I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."

And the devil brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And man gained 10 pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof. And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.

And the devil brought forth cable TV with remote control so man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And man gained another 20 pounds.

And God said, "You're running up the score, devil." And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.

And the devil peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And the devil created sour cream dip. And man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And the devil saw and said, "It is good."

And man went into cardiac arrest. And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery. And the devil canceled man's health insurance.

Then God showed woman how to peel the skin off chicken and cook the nourishing whole grain brown rice. And God created the life-giving tofu. And woman ventured forth into the land of Godiva Chocolate and upon returning asked man, "Do I look fat?"

And the devil said, "Always tell the truth."

And man did. And woman went out from the presence of man and dwelt in the land of the divorce lawyer, east of the marriage counselor. And woman put aside the seeds of the earth and took unto herself comfort food.

And God brought forth Weight Watchers. It didn't help.

And God created exercise machines with easy payments. And man brought forth his Visa at 21 percent. And the exercise machine went to dwell in the closet of Nod, east of the polyester leisure suit. And in the fullness of time, woman received the exercise machine from man in the property settlement.

It didn't help her, either.

A man and his young wife were...

A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.
The mother leaped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.
The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification.
After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied...
"Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?"

Actual Medical Charts

The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.

Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

The skin was moist and dry.

Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.

She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.

Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.

I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.

Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.

Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

She is numb from her toes down.

Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.

While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

The patient was to have a bowel resection. However he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.

Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress.

Patient was alert and unresponsive.

When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

A Farmer walked into an attorn

A Farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce.
The Attorney asked, "May I help you?"
The Farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorce's."
The Attorney said, "Do you have any grounds?"
The Farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres."
The Attorney said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"
The Farmer said, "No, I got a John Deere."
The Attorney said, "No, you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?"
The Farmer said, "Yeh, I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere."
The Attorney said, "No Sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
The Farmer said, "Yes Sir, I got a suit, I wear it to church ever' Sunday."
The Attorney said, "Well Sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"
The Farmer said, "No Sir, we both get up at 4:30 A.M. together."
The Attorney then said, "Well is she a nagger or anything?"
The Farmer said, "No, she's a little white gal, but our last kid was a nagger and that's why I want this Dayvorce!"

1 . Now that food has replaced

1 . Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.
4. I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.
5. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."
6. I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.
7. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
8. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
9. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.
10. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's.
11. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
12. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.
13. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
14. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
15. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
16. Why is it that most n*dists are people you don't want to see naked?
17. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
18. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"
19. A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn..that was fun!

Home for the Holidays

Morris calls his son in NY and says, "Benny, I have something to tell you. However, I don't want to discuss it. I'm merely telling you because you're my oldest child, and I thought you ought to know. I've made up my mind, I'm divorcing Mama."
The son is shocked, and asks his father to tell him what happened.
"I don't want to get into it. My mind is made up."
"But Dad, you just can't decide to divorce Mama just like that after 54 years together. What happened?"
"It's too painful to talk about it. I only called because you're my son, and I thought you should know. I really don't want to get into it anymore than this. You can call your sister and tell her. It will spare me the pain."
"But where's Mama? Can I talk to her?""No, I don't want you to say anything to her about it. I haven't told her yet. Believe me it hasn't been easy. I've agonized over it for several days, and I've finally come to a decision. I have an appointment with the lawyer the day after tomorrow."
"Dad, don't do anything rash. I'm going to take the first flight down. Promise me that you won't do anything until I get there."
"Well, all right, I promise. Next week is Passover. I'll hold off seeing the lawyer until after the Seder. Call your sister in NJ and break the news to her. I just can't bear to talk about it anymore."
A half hour later, Morris receives a call from his daughter who tells him that she and her brother were able to get tickets and that they and the children will be arriving in Florida the day after tomorrow.
"Benny told me that you don't want to talk about it on the telephone, but promise me that you won't do anything until we both get there."
Morris promises. After hanging up from his daughter, Morris turns to his wife and says, "Well, it worked this time, but we are going to have to come up with a new idea to get them here for Rosh Hashanah."

Can We....

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident.  The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, ‘I don’t know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,’ and he leaves.

The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple are still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn’t work out; could you get a divorce in heaven.

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. ‘Yes,’ he informs the couple, ‘you can get married in Heaven.’

‘Great!’ said the couple, ‘But we were just wondering, what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?’

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground.

‘What’s wrong?’ asked the frightened couple.

‘OH, COME ON!’, St. Peter shouted, ‘It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it’ll take me to find a lawyer?

Divorce

Did you hear that Santa is getting a divorce?

He got caught laying a doll under the tree last year.

Submitted by calamjo

Edited by Tantilazing

Child Custody

A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.

The mother leaped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification.

After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied...

"Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?"

Questions for Mommy...

A little girl and her mother were out and about. The girl, out of the blue, asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?" The mother responded,"Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older."

The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?" Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this, too, as you grow up."

The girl, still wanting to know about her mother, fires off another question, "Mommy, why did you and Daddy get a divorce?" The mother, a little annoyed by the line of questioning, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."

The little girl, frustrated, sulks until she is dropped off at a friend's house to play. She consults with her girlfriend about the conversation she had with her mother. The girlfriend says, "All you have to do is sneak and look at your mother's driver's license. It's just a like a report card from school. It tells you everything.

Later, the little girl and her mother are out and about again. The little girl starts off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. I know how old you are. You're 32 years old."

The mother is very shocked. She asks, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?"

The little girl shrugs and says, I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds."

"Where did you learn that?"

The little girl says, "I just know. And I know why you and daddy got a divorce. You got an 'F' in sex."

A New York Lawyer

A New York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates.

Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?"

The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street."

Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.

Saint Peter said, "Well, that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven."

The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter."

Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.

Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"

Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, "Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."

Game Show....

Our parents got divorced when we were kids and it was kind of cool. We got to go to divorce court with them. It was like a game show. My mom won the house and car. We're all excited. My dad got some luggage.

-- Tom Arnold