Divorce jokesJokes about divorces. These are the jokes listed 1 to 15. |
A newly divorced woman is strolling along the beach...
A newly divorced woman is strolling along the beach, disappointed about how horribly the divorce settlement turned out for her.As she's walking, she spots an old lamp half buried in the sand. Hopelessly, she picks it up and rubs the lamp, and to her surprise, a genie appears!
The genie notices she is upset and lets her vent before proceeding to grant her three wishes. He, however, cautions her that he is not a fan of divorce, and will give her ex-husband ten times of whatever she wishes.
She winces, but asks for her first wish. “I wish to have a billion dollars.”
Poof! The next second, mountains of crisp banknotes, amounting to a billion dollars, surround her. Her happiness is short-lived as the genie reminds her, “Your ex-husband now has ten billion dollars. Next?”
Her face has started to turn red, but she composes herself. “I wish for a 25,000 sq ft private mansion on this beach.”
Instantly, a beautifully luxurious mansion, with all modern facilities, appears in front of her. Before she could revel in the joy, the genie pointed her in a direction, where to her horror, stood ten similar, magnificent mansions.
“Now, what’s your final wish?”
“I wish to give birth to twins.”
22 Friday The 13th Jokes
What’s way worse than Friday the 13th?
Monday the whatever.
Why is Friday the thirteenth one of the worst days to get arrested on?
Because the judge will only be in on Monday.
What day do eggs hate most?
Fry-day the 13th!
Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Ice cream!
Ice cream who?
Ice-cream, you scream, we all scream because it’s Friday Thirteenth.
What’s the worst part about waking up to realize it’s Friday the thirteenth?
Realizing that you still have to go to work.
Why are people scared of going out of the house on Friday the thirteenth?
Because of shark attacks.
Why don’t people like going to work on Friday the thirteenth every year?
Because they hate their jobs very much for the rest of the year too.
Why do people say that Friday the thirteenth is one of the unluckiest day of the year?
Oh, don’t worry about it if you don’t know, you’ll find out.
What’s the worst thing that can happen on Friday the thirteenth?
Getting married.
Why did the old man wake up on Friday the 13th and decide that nothing bad could happen to him all day?
Because he had already gotten married.
What’s the best thing you can do on Friday the thirteenth?
Continue to be depressed about your last divorce.
Why should you play the lottery on Friday the thirteenth?
Because when you lose this time, you’ll at least expect it.
What’s the most unlucky thing that you can do on Friday the thirteenth?
Be born into the world.
Why should you never go out on a date on Friday the thirteenth?
Because everyone knows it’s the one day of the year where you won’t be lucky.
What usually happens on Friday the thirteenth?
Nothing at all.
Killers eagerly look forward to which day of the month?
Fri-Die the 13th.
Which types of people consider Friday the thirteenth as lucky as any other day?
The smart ones.
How do you know that it’s Friday the 13th?
Everyone will tell you.
Why do people consider Friday the 13th unlucky?
Because it’s not a Saturday.
What starts with the letter J and gets called the reason for the season by some people who celebrate this special holiday?
Jason.
What do you call someone who wakes up on Saturday the fourteenth?
Lucky.
What’s the most difficult part about the average Friday the thirteenth?
Making sure that you survive it.
The Good, the bad and the ugly
1. Good: Your wife is pregnant.Bad: It's triplets.
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.
2. Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She's a lawyer.
3. Good: Your son is finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the Woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.
4. Good: Your son studies a lot in his room..
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them.
5. Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them.
6. Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.
7. Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.
8. Good: The postman's early.
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun.
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas.
9. Good: Your son is dating someone new.
Bad: It's another man.
Ugly: He's your best friend.
10. Good: Your daughter got a new job
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients
Way ugly: She makes more money than you do.
Why do you want a divorce?
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"