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Doctor jokes - jokes about doctors (1501 to 1515)Jokes about doctor. These are funny jokes with doctors! These are the jokes listed 1501 to 1515. |
Newlyweds
A week after their marriage, the Redneck newlyweds paid a visit to their doctor... "I can't figure it out doc, and I'm really worried," said the husband. "My testicles are turning blue.""That's pretty unusual," said the doctor. "Let me examine you."
The doctor takes a look. Sure enough, the Redneck's testicles are blue. The doctor turns to the wife. "Are you using the diaphragm that I prescribed?"
"Yes, I am," she replied.
"And what kind of jelly are you using with it?"
"Grape"
Special cow?
There was a nun whose old body began to surrender to time. Her doctor prescribed for her a shot of whiskey three times a day to relax her. Not to be lured into "worldly pleasures", she huffily declined.
But the Mother Superior knew the elderly sister loved milk. So she instructed the kitchen to spike the milk three times a day.
After a few more years, even that spiked milk couldn't help and the aged sister approached her final hour. As several nuns gathered around her at her bedside, the Mother Superior asked if she wanted to leave them with any words of wisdom.
"Oh, yes," she replied. "Never sell that cow!"
Six months to live...
"Mr. Clark, I'm afraid I have bad news," the doctor told his anxious patient. "You only have six months to live."
The man sat in stunned silence for the next several minutes. Regaining his composure, he apologetically told his physician that he had no medical insurance. "I can't possibly pay you in that time."
"Okay," the doctor said, "let's make it nine months."
My memory...
An agitated patient was stomping around the psychiatrist's office, running his hands through his hair, almost in tears.
"Doctor, my memory's gone. Gone! I can't remember my wife's name. Can't remember my children's names. Can't remember what kind of car I drive. Can't remember where I work. It was all I could do to find my way here."
"Calm down. How long have you been like this?"
"Like what?"
These are from a book called D...
These are from a book called Disorder in the Court, and arethings people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and
now published by
court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while
these exchanges were actually taking place.
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he
woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
_________________________________
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
__________________________________
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
__________________________________
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for
a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
Its pissing down and this midg...
Its pissing down and this midget goes to the doctors and says "Every time it rains my fanny gets sore".He tells her to hop onto the examining couch. He bends over and looks up her skirt. "I see the problem," he says. And taking a pair of scissors shoves them up her skirt. Snip snip snip snip he goes with the scissors. "There that's fixed it" he says. "Your fanny wont be sore any more"
"Did you operate on my fanny doctor?" asks the midget.
"No" said the doctor, "I cut 2 inches off the tops of your wellingtons".
Zen Judaism
Relinquishment will lead to calm and healing in your relationships. If that doesn't work, try small claims court.
Though only your skin, sinews, and bones remain, though your blood and flesh dry up and wither away, yet shall you meditate and not stir until you have attained full Enlightenment. But, first, a little nosh.
Accept misfortune as a blessing. Do not wish for perfect health or a life without problems. What would you talk about?
Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?
There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited. And whose fault was that?
The Torah says, "Love thy neighbor as thyself." The Buddha says there is no "self." So, maybe you are off the hook.If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?
Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story.
Do not let children play contact sports like football. These only lead to injuries and instill a violent, warlike nature. Encourage your child to play peaceful games, like "sports doctor."
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single "oy."
This joke is reprinted from "Zen Judaism: For You a Little Enlightenment" by David M. Bader (Harmony Books, 2002). All rights reserved.
Get a heart transplant
A new arrival, about to enter hospital, saw two white coated doctors searching through the flower beds."Excuse me," he said, "have you lost something?"
"No," replied one of the doctors. "We're doing a heart transplant for an income-tax inspector and want to find a suitable stone."
Blonde on a Diet
A blonde was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on adiet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a
day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I
see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."
When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing
nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my
instructions?"
The blonde nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was
going to drop dead that 3rd day."
"From hunger, you mean?"
"No, from skipping.
At a mental health hospital a ...
At a mental health hospital a psychiatrist sets a test to determine the mental progress of his three top patients.He gets three chairs and repaints them. Before they dry, he repositions them in a room in such a way that one is in front of the other. After this, he calls the three patients and asks them to seat down. The first two gladly sit on the wet chairs at the front. However, the third who comes in last takes one look at the wet chair and then proceeds to the corner of the room where there is a pile of papers. He takes one sheet which he drapes on the wet chair before sitting. Surprised by the action of the third, the doctor asks him why he draped the sheet of paper on the wet chair, "that's easy," came the reply, "seeing that am seated at the back, I needed to be a bit raised if I wanted to see what's happening at the front"
Refrigerator Man
A woman goes to a psychiatrist and says, ''Doctor, you've got to do something about my husband -- he thinks he's a refrigerator!''''I wouldn't worry too much about it,'' the doctor replies. 'Lots of people have harmless delusions. It will pass.''
''But you don't understand,'' the woman insists. ''He sleeps with his mouth open, and the little light keeps me awake.''
Witch doctor weather...
A film crew is on location in Kenya, when a tribal shaman approaches the director and says, "Tomorrow rain." The director pays no attention, but the following day it pours and shooting has to be delayed.
That night, the director sends his assistant to bring the shaman back. "What will be the weather tomorrow?" asks the director.
"Bigger rain tomorrow, much wind," and sure enough a terrible storm once again delays the filming.
But then the witch doctor disappears for a week and the director, now depending on him, sends his people out to find him and bring him back to camp.
Finally, he is located and brought to the director's tent. "What will be the weather tomorrow?" asks the director in desperation.
"No idea," says the shaman, "Radio batteries dead."
Better Both Visit the Doctor
This old man in his eighty's got up and was putting on hiscoat.
His wife said, "Where are you going ?"
He said, "I'm going to the doctor."
And she said, "Why? Are you sick?"
"No," he said. "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra
pills."
So his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting on her
sweater and he said, "Where are you going?"
She said, "I'm going to the doctor too."
He said, "Why?"
She said, "If you're going to start using that rusty old
thing again, I'm going to get a tetanus shot."
Dihydrogen Monoxide
BAN DIHYDROGEN MONOXIDE! THE INVISIBLE KILLER
Dihydrogen monoxide is colorless, odorless, tasteless, and kills uncounted thousands of people every year. Most of these deaths are caused by accidental inhalation of DHMO, but the dangers of dihydrogen monoxide do not end there. Prolonged exposure to its solid form causes severe tissue damage. Symptoms of DHMO ingestion can include excessive sweating and urination, and possibly a bloated feeling, nausea, vomiting and body electrolyte imbalance. For those who have become dependent, DHMO withdrawal means death.
Dihydrogen monoxide:
* is also known as hydric acid, and is the major component of acid rain.
* contributes to the "greenhouse effect."
* may cause severe burns.
* contributes to the erosion of our natural landscape.
* accelerates corrosion and rusting of many metals.
* may cause electrical failures and decreased effectiveness of automobile brakes.
* has been found in excised tumors of terminal cancer patients.
CONTAMINATION IS REACHING EPIDEMIC PROPORTIONS!
Quantities of dihydrogen monoxide have been found in almost every stream, lake, and reservoir in America today. But the pollution is global, and the contaminant has even been found in Antarctic ice. In the midwest alone DHMO has caused millions of dollars of property damage.
Despite the danger, dihydrogen monoxide is often used:
* as an industrial solvent and coolant.
* in nuclear power plants.
* in the production of styrofoam.
* as a fire retardant.
* in many forms of cruel animal research.
* in the distribution of pesticides. Even after washing, produce remains contaminated by this chemical.
* as an additive in "junk-foods" and other food products.
Companies dump waste DHMO into rivers and the ocean, and nothing can be done to stop them because this practice is still legal. The impact on wildlife is extreme, and we cannot afford to ignore it any longer!
THE HORROR MUST BE STOPPED!
The American government has refused to ban the production, distribution, or use of this damaging chemical due to its "importance to the economic health of this nation." In fact, the navy and other military organizations are conducting experiments with DHMO, and designing multi-billion dollar devices to control and utilize it during warfare situations. Hundreds of military research facilities receive tons of it through a highly sophisticated underground distribution network. Many store large quantities for later use.
IT'S NOT TOO LATE!
Act NOW to prevent further contamination. Find out more about this dangerous chemical. What you don't know CAN hurt you and others throughout the world.
