Doctor jokes - jokes about doctors (196 to 210)

Mrs. Jones goes to the doctor

Mrs. Jones goes to the doctor for a full medical.
After an hour or so, the doctor looks at Mrs. Jones and says the following: "Mrs. Jones, overall you are very healthy for a 45 year old. There is however, only one problem. You are 40 pounds overweight and bordering on obese. I would strongly suggest that you diet now to save any complications in later years."
She looks sternly at him and says, "I demand a second opinion".
"OK," he says, "you're f***ing ugly as well!"

 Having A Very Bad Day

You Know You're Having a Bad Day When...

1. Your horn sticks on the freeway behind 32 Hell's Angels motorcyclists.
   
2. You've been at work 3 hours before you notice that your fly is open or your blouse unbuttoned.
   
3. Your twin sister forgets your birthday.
   
4. Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
   
5. You call the suicide prevention hotline and they put you on hold.
   
6. You have to sit down to brush your teeth in the morning.
   
7. Everyone avoids you the morning after the company office party.
   
8. Your income tax refund check bounces.
   
9. The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.
   
10. You wake up and your braces are stuck together.
    
11. Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife/husband.
    
12. You put both contacts into the same eye.
    
13. Your mother approves of the person you're dating.
    
14. Your doctor tells you that you're allergic to chocolate.
    
15. You have to borrow from your Visa card to pay your Mastercard.
    
16. Nothing you own is actually paid for.
    
17. Everyone loves your driver's licence picture, but you think it looks awful.
    
18. The health inspector condems your office coffee maker.
    
19. You invite the peeping Tom in... and he says no.
    
20. The Gypsy fortune teller offers to refund your money when she sees your future.
    
21. People think that you're 40 and you're only 25.
    
22. When the doctor tells you are in fine health for someone twice your age.
    
23. You call your spouse and tell them that you'd like to eat out tonight and when you get home, your find a sandwich on the front porch.
    
24. You start to put on the clothes that you wore home from the party last night...... and there aren't any.
    
25. It costs more to fill up your car than it did to buy it.
    

I wanted to be an organ donor,

I wanted to be an organ donor, but the doctors never de-livered.

Steve complained to his friend

Steve complained to his friend Al that lovemaking with his wife was becoming routine and boring.
"Get creative buddy. Break up the monotony. Why don't you try playing doctor for an hour?"
"Sounds great," Steve replied, "but how do you make it last for an hour?"
"Hell, just keep her in the waiting room for 45 minutes!"

A wife went in to see a therap

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained, "it wakes me up!"

During her annual checkup, the

During her annual checkup, the well-constructed miss was asked to disrobe and climb onto the examining table.
"Doctor," she replied shyly, "I just can't undress in front of you."
"All right," said the physician, "I'll flick off the lights. You undress and tell me when you're through."
In a few moments, her voice rang out in the darkness: "Doctor, I've undressed. What shall I do with my clothes?"
"Put them on the chair, on top of mine."

 Actual Stupid Questions Asked

The below excerpts appeared in the Salt Lake Tribune. They were taken from real court records.

Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?
Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q: Did he kill you?
Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?
The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
Were you alone or by yourself?
Q: I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture?
A: That's me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?
Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?
Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
Q: Now then, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
A: I'll be three months on March 12th.
Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was around January 12th?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you doing at that time?
Do you have any children or anything of that kind?
Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
So, you were gone until you returned?
You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?
Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.
A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."
Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined that body of Mr. Huntington at St. Mary's Hospital?
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 5:30 P.M.
Q: And Mr. Huntington was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No, you idiot, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was performing an autopsy on him!

Appropriate Time Table

I asked my doctor today how long he thought this COVID thing will last...
He said, “How should I know, I’m a doctor not a politician.”

 I Get No Respect 01

"Good crowd...good crowd. I'm telling you I could use a good crowd. I'm ok now but last week I was in rough shape... Why? I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap."
"I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great Uncle fought for the west!"
"My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens."
"When I was born..the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father...I'm very sorry. We did everything we could...but he pulled through."
"My mother had morning sickness after I was born."
"My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet."
"When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up."
"I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio."
"What a dog I got. His favorite bone is in my arm!"

It's About My Height

Lady (to her doctor): "What l am worried about is my height and not my weight."
Doctor: "How come?"
Lady: "According to my weight, my height should be 7 feet, 8 inches."

 Signs And Notices 15

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.
Sign in the office of a Roman doctor: "Specialist in women and other diseases."
Sign in a Tokyo shop: "Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run."
Sign from a Japanese booklet about using a hotel air CONDITIONER: "COOLERS AND HEATERS: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself."
Two signs from a Morrocan shop entrance: "English well talking." "Here speeching American."
Sign at a Budapest zoo: "Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty."
Sign from a translated sentence from a Russian chess book: "A lot of water has been passed under the bridge since this variation has been played."
Sign at a garage in Hertfordshire: "Please do not smoke near the pumps. If your life isn't worth anything - gas is!"
Sign on the menu of a Swiss restaurant: "Our wines leave you nothing to hope for."

 What Is Your Problem?

Doctor: What seems to be the trouble?
Patient: Doctor, I keep getting the feeling that nobody can hear what I say.
Doctor: What seems to be the trouble?

Shrinking Clothes

Pete went into the doctor's office for his annual checkup, and the Doc asked if there was anything unusual he should know about.

So Pete told the Doc that his suit must have shrunk over the last year, because it didn't fit when he went to get ready for a wedding recently.

The Doc said, "Suits don't shrink just sitting in a closet. You probably put on a few pounds."

"That's just it, Doc, I know I haven't gained a single pound since the last time I wore it."

"Well, then," said Doc, "You must have a case of Furniture Disease."

"What in the world is Furniture Disease?" asked Pete.

"That's when your chest starts sliding down into your drawers.".

 A Very Interesting Fact

Doctor: Did you know that there are more than 1,000 bones in the human body?
Larry: Shhh, doctor! There are three dogs outside in the waiting room!

WELL?

It was the middle of the night. Suddenly there was a loud rapping on the doctor's door, followed by a groan.
The doctor angrily thrust his head out of the window. "WELL?" he shouted.
"No," moaned the man. "Sick."