Doctor jokes - jokes about doctors (316 to 330)

A Pint of Less

A customer walked into a bar and said, “I’ll have a pint of less, please.”
“Less?” queried the bartender. “What’s that?”
“I don’t know either,” said the customer, “but my doctor told me to drink less.”

Husband: Doctor, doctor, every

Husband: Doctor, doctor, every day my wife tries to wash the car?
Doctor: What's wrong with that? Most husbands would love to have their wives wash the car.
Husband: In the bathtub?

Jim is planning to marry, he i

Jim is planning to marry, he is, and asks his family doctor how he could tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin.
His doctor says, "Jim, all of us use three things for what we call a Do-It-Yourself Virginity Test Kit, which consist of a small can of red paint, a small can of blue paint and a shovel."
Jim asks, "Aye, and what do I do with these things, doctor?"
The doctor replies, "Before you climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue. If she says, 'That's the strangest pair of balls I've ever seen', you hit her with the shovel."

A man working with an electric...

A man working with an electric saw accidentally saws off all 10 fingers. He rushes to the emergency room. The doctor says, "Give me the fingers and I'll see what I can do."
"But I don't have the fingers!"
"Why didn't you bring the fingers?!" asks the incredulous doctor.
"Doc, I couldn't pick them up."

Skipping Days

A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."
When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nodded, "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
"From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.
"No, from skipping."

An overweight blonde consulted...

An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice. The doctor advised that she run 10 miles a day for 30 days. This, he promised, would help her lose as much as twenty pounds.
The blonde follows the doctor's advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she'd indeed lost twenty pounds.
She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results. At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question:
"How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?"

Do you think I shall live...

"Do you think I shall live until I'm ninety, doctor?"
"How old are you now?"
"Forty."
"Do you drink, gamble, smoke, or have you any vices of any kind?"
"No. I don't drink, I never gamble, I loathe smoking; in fact, I don't have any vices."
"Well, good heavens, what do you want to live another fifty years for?"

An overweight blonde consulted

An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice.The doctor advised that she run 10 miles a day for 30 days.This, he promised, would help her lose as much as twenty pounds.
The blonde follows the doctor's advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she'd indeed lost twenty pounds.
She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results. At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question:
"How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?"

 Ponderings Collection 11

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Just "before" someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in their stomach?
It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
Laughing stock - cattle with a sense of humor.
You can't have everything, where would you put it?
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.
If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

The marriage between the elder

The marriage between the elderly farmer and his young wife was not working out too well, so the farmer consulted his doctor for advice. "The next time you're down in the field plowing and feel a yearning for your wife don't wait until lunch time or the end of the day, but quit what you're doing and go to the house," said the doctor.
"I tried that," said the farmer, "But by the time I get to the house, I am so tuckered out, it's no use."
The doctor thought for a minute, "Take your shotgun with you when you leave the house in the morning and if you feel the urge, shoot the gun and she will come down there where you are."
A few weeks later the two men met on the street.
"How did it work out?" asked the doctor.
"Fine, the first three days," said the farmer, "But then hunting season opened and I haven't seen her since."

My wife only has sex with me f

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used meto time an egg.
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!
My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, andjust as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did yousee the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."
Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." Iwent over. Nobody was home!
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.
If it weren't for pick-pocketers, I'd have no sex life at all.
I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No,I hate myself now."
I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That'swhen you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comesoff.
I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sexoffenders.
My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
I was such an ugly baby,when I was born the Doctor slapped myMother.
I went to see my DR, DR.Vinnie Goomba. He asked if I had thisbefore? I said yes. He said well you got it again.
I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested formooning.
The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked"Why?".He said "Because you came home early."
My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.
I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear theFruit- of-the-Loom guys giggling.
At my age, I'm envious of a stiff wind.
My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.
My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me fromChicago last night.

“If you do anything t

“If you do anything that puts your doctor's health at jeopardy, the Dr. Seuss you.”

A guy walks in to see his doct

A guy walks in to see his doctor, and the doctor asks, "What seems to be the problem?"
"I just can't seem to make friends with anyone," the guy replies. "Can you help me, you fat ugly bastard?"

Mr.Watt rang the phone at the

Mr.Watt rang the phone at the residence of Mr.Knott.
"Who's calling?" asked Knott.
"Watt."
"What is your name, please?"
"Watt's my name."
"That's what I asked you. What's your name?"
"That's what I told you. Watt's my name."
A long pause, and then from Watt, "Is this James Brown?"
"No, this is Knott."
"Please tell me your name."
"Will Knott."
"Why not?"
"Huh? What do you mean why not?"
"Yeah! Why won't you tell me your name?"
"But I told you my name!"
"Didn't you say you will not?"
"Not not, knott, Will Knott!"
"That's what I mean."
"So you know my name."
"Of course not!"
"Good. So now, what is yours?"
"Watt. Yours?"
"Your name!"
"Watt's my name."
"How the hell do I know? I am asking you!"
"Look I have been very patient and I have told you my name and you have not even told me yours yet."
"You have been patient, what about me?"
"I have told you my name so many times and it is you who have not told me yours yet."
"Of course not!"
"See, you even know my name!"
"Of course not!"
"Then why do you keep saying of course Knott?"
"Because I don't."
[Pause]
"What is your name?"
"See, you know my name!"
"Of course not!"
"Then why do you keep asking Watt is your name?"
"To find out your name!"
"But you already know it!"
"What?"
"See, but you know mine!"
"Of course not!"
"Exactly!"
"Listen, listen, wait; if I asked you what your name is, what will be
your answer?"
"Watt's my name."
"No, no, give me only one word."
"Watt"
"Your name!"
"Right!"
[Pause before it hits him]
"Oh, Wright!"
"Yeah!"
"So why didn't you say it before?"
"I told you so many times!"
"You never said Wright before"
"Of course I did."
"Ok I won't argue any more. Do you know my name?"
"I do not."
"Well, there you go, now we know each other's name."
"I do not!"
"Good!"

The Oldest Profession

A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing about whose profession was the oldest. In the course of their arguments, they went all the way back to the Garden of Eden. The doctor said, "The medical profession is clearly the oldest because Eve was made from Adam's rib, as the story goes, and that was an incredible surgical feat."The architect did not agree. He said, "But if you look at the Garden itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of that, the Garden and the world were created. So God must have been an architect."The computer scientist, who had listened to all of this said, "Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?"- Joke shared by Beliefnet member Jbooklover