Doctor jokes - jokes about doctors (406 to 420)

 Doctor Doctor Collection 02

Doctor, Doctor I tend to flush a lot.
Don't worry it's just a chain reaction!
Doctor, doctor I keep thinking I'm a bee
Buzz off can't you see I'm busy?
Doctor these pills you gave me for BO...
What's wrong with them?
They keep slipping out from under my arms!
Doctor, Doctor everyone keeps throwing me in the garbage.
Don't talk rubbish!
Doctor, Doctor I feel like a sheep.
That's baaaaaaaaaad!
Doctor, Doctor I feel like a bee.
Well buzz off I'm busy!
Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a mosquito
Go away, sucker!

Two doctors were in a hospital...

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Nancy.
"She's incredibly mixed up," said one doctor. "She does everything absolutely backwards. Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of morphine every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He damn near died on us!"
The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tries to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy damn near exploded!"
Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall.
"Oh my God!" said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"

This Woman Knows How To Extract Every Last Bit

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy three nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up two of the nickels but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a nearby table reading on her laptop and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy’s’ testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy’s testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, “I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?”
“No,” the woman replied. “I’m with the IRS.”

 Business One-liners 85

Never bet on a loser because you think his luck is about to change.
Never buy from a rich salesman.
Never do anything you wouldn't be caught dead doing.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
Never eat prunes when you are famished.
Never get so busy making a living that you forget to make a life.
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
Never insult an alligator until after you have crossed the river.
Never invest in anything that eats.
Never kick a man unless he's down.

A guy goes to the psychiatrist...

A guy goes to the psychiatrist.
"Doctor," says the guy, "I feel as if I'm two different people! Two totally different personalities!"
"Do you think I need help?"
"Can you help me?"
"Am I doing the right thing seeing a psychiatrist?"
"Whoah! Whoah! Whoah!" says the doc. "Please, one at a time."

“The doctor told the

“The doctor told the patient to use a Q-tip. It went in one ear and out the other.”

The patient went to his doctor

The patient went to his doctor for a checkup, and the doctor wrote out a prescription for him in his usual illegible writing. The patient put it in his pocket, but he forgot to have it filled.
Every morning for two years, he showed it to the conductor as a railroad pass. Twice, it got him into the movies, once into the baseball park, and once into the symphony.
He got a raise at work by showing it as a note from the boss.
One day, he mislaid it. His daughter picked it up, played it on the piano, and won a scholarship to a conservatory of music.

Visiting a clinic one day, Joe...

Visiting a clinic one day, Joe looked into the nurses eyes and said, "Nurses aren't supposed to laugh, right?"
"Of course I won't laugh. I'm a professional nurse. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," Joe said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest man penis the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than a AAA battery.
Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling then almost fell to the floor laughing.
A few minutes later she was able to regain her composure.
"I'm so sorry," said the nurse. "I don't know what came over me.
On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now tell me, what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen," Joe replied.

A father walks into a restaura...

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy three nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up two of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
"No," the woman replied. "I'm with the IRS."

A woman goes to the doctor all

A woman goes to the doctor all black and blue.
Doctor: "What happened?"
Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk on Bud Light he beats me up."
Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk on Bud Light, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth but don't swallow. Just keep swishing and swishing until he goes to bed in his Bud Light stupor."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
Woman: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea. Every time my husband came home drunk on Bud Light, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"
Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"

A husband and wife are on the

A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack! "Help me dear," she groans to her husband.
The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt.
His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him. "I'm dying over here and you're putting?"
"Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you."
"Well, how long will it take for him to get here," she asks feebly?
"No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through."

Invisible patient

- Doctor, there is a patient on line 1 that say he's invisible.
- Well, tell him I can't see him right now.

A middle aged Irish woman went...

A middle aged Irish woman went to her doctor to ask advice in reviving her husband's libido.
"What about trying Viagra?" asked the doctor.
"Not a chance," she said. "He won't even take an aspirin."
"Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it... Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went."
When she called the doctor he asked how it went and she exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! It was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'
"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.
"Well, I did as you said and slipped it in his coffee and after just a few sips he jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely!
With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"
"Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?"
"Bejaysus, it was the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sitting here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"

Now Don't Get Nervous

Patient 1: “Why did you run away from the operation table?”

Patient 2: “The nurse was repeatedly saying ‘don’t get nervous’, ‘don’t be afraid’, ‘be strong’, ‘this is a small operation only’, things like that.”

Patient 1: “So what was wrong in that? Why were you so afraid?”

Patient 2: “She was talking to the surgeon!”

The seven-year old girl told h...

The seven-year old girl told her mom, "A boy in my class asked me to play doctor."
"Oh, dear," the mother nervously sighed. "What happened, honey?"
"Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company."