Doctor jokes - jokes about doctors (601 to 615)

A guy goes to see the doctor...

A guy goes to see the doctor, because he's a little too well-endowed. In fact, it's 25 inches long and he can't get any women to have sex with him.
Anyway, the doctor says there's nothing he can do medically, but recommends a witch doctor that he thinks might be able to help.
The witch doctor takes a look at the problem and tells him to go to a particular pond, deep in the forest, and talk to a frog that lives there. "Ask the frog to marry you and each time the frog says no, you'll be 5 inches shorter."
Worth a try, he thinks, and off he dashes into the forest. He finds the pond and sees the frog on the other side, sitting on a log. "Frog, will you marry me?"
The frog looks at him, disinterested at best, and calls back, "No."
The guy looks down and sure enough, he's 5 inches shorter. Hey, this is great he thinks -- let's try that again. "Will you marry me?"
The frog rolls his eyes, and shouts back again, "No!"
Zappo! -- the guy's down to 15 inches. Well, that's still a bit excessive, he thinks. Down another 5 would be perfect. So he calls across again, "Frog, will you marry me?"
The irritated frog yells back, "Look..how many times do I have to tell you? No, No, NO!"

Dear Abby Admitted She Was At

Dear Abby Admitted She Was At A Loss To Answer The Following!
Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?
Dear Abby, What can I do about all the S*x, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence on my VCR?
Dear Abby, I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.
Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.
Dear Abby, I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.
Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?
Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?
Dear Abby, My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.
Dear Abby, I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.
Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short tempered. I think she is going through mental pause.
Dear Abby, You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in s*x to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in s*x and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?
Remember these people can vote, which probably explains the current situation in Washington, DC.

A distraught senior citizen ...

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. 'Is it true,' she wanted to know, 'that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?'
'Yes, I'm afraid so,' the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, 'I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'.'

Marry A Lawyer

A doctor told her patient that his test results indicated that he had a rare disease and had only six months to live. "Isn't there anything I can do?", pleaded the patient. "Marry a lawyer," the doctor advised. "It will be the longest six months of your life."

The husband and wife were play

The husband and wife were playing on the ninth green when she collapsed from a heart attack. "Please dear, I need help." she said.
The husband ran off saying "I'll go get some help." A little while later he returned, picked up his club and began to line up his shot on the green.
His wife, on the ground, raised up her head and said, "I'm may be dying and you're putting?"
"Don't worry dear. I found a doctor on the second hole who said he come and help."
"The second hole? When in the hell is he coming?"
"Hey! I told ya not to worry," he said, practice stroking his putt. "Everyone's already agreed to let him play through."

Diagnosis

The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."

"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."

"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

One summer, the company that M...

One summer, the company that Morris worked for transferred him to another city. Morris was told that he had to take a new physical with the company doctor to continue to be employed.
All the tests came out fine, but the doctor remarked that Morris had the smallest penis he'd ever seen.
"Do you have any difficulties with it being so small?" the doctor asked.
"Not at all," Morris said. "I've got a wife, three kids, and we have a great sex life. But I must admit I do sometimes have a problem finding it in the daytime."
"What about at night?" the doctor asked.
"Nights are no problem," Morris said, "because at night, there are two of us looking for it!"

A middle-aged woman enters her

A middle-aged woman enters her family doctor's office in a frantic state. She says, "Doctor, I think I'm turning into a horse!"
The doctor, taken aback, replies, "I'm sure you may have some problem, but I assure you no human has ever turned into a horse."
The woman became more insistent and said, "Doctor, look at my teeth. They're getting bigger and more yellow!"
The doctor calmly replied, "Yes, I see. Your teeth appear a bit larger and more yellow than your last visit, but I don't think you're turning into a horse."
Getting more frustrated, the woman said, "Well, I think I'm getting a mane! Look at all this hair on the back of my neck. It's grown 5 inches in one week!"
Becoming more concerned, the doctor said, "You're not turning into a horse. We'll just shave your neck occasionally."
At this point the woman became considerably frustrated, speaking faster and louder, "Just look at my finger and toe nails! They've become very thick and big. I'm developing hooves!"
The doctor in amazement cried, "Holy cow! I've never seen finger and toe nails that big!"
Then the woman pulls up the back of her skirt and said, "And look at this, doctor. My backbone is protruding significantly from my butt!"
The doctor looked in amazement, then started scribbling on a small piece of paper.
The woman asked, "Are you writing me a prescription?"
The doctor said, "No. I'm writing a memo to my brother-in-law. He works at City Hall. Take this to him and he'll give you a permit to take a dump in the street!"

Transylvania Vacation

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe, as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late, and raining very hard. Bob could barely see 20 feet in front of the car.
Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.
Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to carry her to the nearest phone.
Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from an old, large house. He approaches the door and knocks.
A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone??"
"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a Doctor; come in and I will get him!"
Bob brings his wife in. An elegant man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."
With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.
After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.
The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting, melody fills the house.
Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise! He is further amazed as Betty sits straight up!
Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master:
"Master, Master! ... The Hills are alive with the sound of music!

A patient was waiting nervousl...

A patient was waiting nervously in the examination room of a famous specialist.
"So who did you see before coming to me?" asked the doctor.
"My General Practitioner."
"Your GP?" scoffed the doctor. "What a waste of time. Tell me, what sort of useless advice did he give you?"
"He told me to come and see you."

A dentist ran out of anaesthet...

A dentist ran out of anaesthetic just before the last extraction for the day was scheduled.
He gave the nurse a very large needle, instructing her to jab it hard into the patient's butt when the signal was given, so it would take his attention away from the tooth extraction.
It all happened in an instant.
The nurse, patient, and pliers were in place. The signal was given, and the nurse bayoneted the patient with the needle just as the dentist yanked the tooth.
Afterwards, the dentist asked, "Hurt much?"
The patient hesitated, "Didn't hardly feel it come out. And, man, those roots were really deep!"

A man goes to the doctors and

A man goes to the doctors and asks why he's been feeling ill. The doctor examines him and replies, "I'm sorry to tell you, you've got the disease known as Yellow 24."
"What's that?” the man asks.
"It means your internal organs have started turning yellow - you've got 24 hours to live".
The man goes home and tells his wife the bad news.
His wife says, "Well, will you come to bingo with me tonight then? Otherwise you'll never be able to."
The man agrees so he and his wife go to the bingo. He finds that he's won the one-line and £10. He begins to think this isn't such a bad day after all. Twenty minutes later, he's won the full house and £150. He enters the lucky draw, worth £500, and wins that too. The bingo caller calls him up on stage.
He says, "I don't believe it, mate. You've won three competitions in a total of £660 in one night. You must be the luckiest man on the earth!"
The man says, "Well, no, I'm not. I've got Yellow 24."
The bingo caller looks down at the piece of paper he's holding and starts clapping: "I don't believe it, he's won the raffle as well!"

An elderly retired gentleman h...

An elderly retired gentleman had had severe hearing problems for some time.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the man to hear better than he had ever heard before.
One month later, the elderly man went back again to the doctor. The doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

"You're in remarkable shape f

"You're in remarkable shape for a man your age," said the doctor to the ninety-year old man after the examination.
"I know it," said the old gentleman. "I've really got only one complaint - my sex drive is too high. Got anything you can do for that, Doc?"
The doctor's mouth dropped open. "Your what?!" he gasped.
"My sex drive," said the old man. "It's too high, and I'd like to have you lower it if you can."
"Lower it?!" exclaimed the doctor, still unable to believe what the ninety-year old gentleman was saying. "Just what do you consider 'high'?"
"These days it seems like it's all in my head, Doc," said the old man, "and I'd like to have you lower it a couple of feet if you can."

 Elephant Jokes 05

Why did the elephant paint his toenails red?
So he could hide in the cherry tree!

What do you get if you cross an elephant and a kangaroo?
Big holes all over Australia!

What's the difference between a sick elephant and seven days?
One is a weak one and the other one week!

What pill would you give to an elephant that can't sleep?
Trunkquilizers!

Why are elephants grey?
So you can tell them from flamingos!

Elephant Keeper: "My Elephant isn't well, do you know a good animal doctor?
"
Zoo Keeper: "No, all the doctors I know are people!"
Why do elephants scratch themselves?
Because they're the only ones who know where they itch!

How does an elephant get down from a tree?
He sits on a leaf and waits till autumn!

Why did the elephant paint himself with different colours?
Because he wanted to hide in the colouring box!

How do you know that peanuts are fattening?
Have you ever seen a skinny elephant?