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Doctor jokes - jokes about doctors (616 to 630)Jokes about doctor. These are funny jokes with doctors! These are the jokes listed 616 to 630. |
Good news and bad news....
A doctor enters into a patient's room and informs the patient that he has good news and bad news. He then asks the patient which news he would like to hear.
The patient responds, "Doctor, give me the good news."
The doctor says, "Well we are gonna name a disease after you."
What would you like to hear?
3 buddies die in a car crash, they go to an orientation in Heaven.
They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"
The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, 'LOOK! HE'S MOVING!!'"
My first job was working in an...
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned. I couldn't concentrate. Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe. After that, I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it - mainly because it was a sew-sew job. Next, I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was too exhausting. Then, I tried to be a chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme. I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it I couldn't cut the mustard. My best job was a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy. I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience. Next, was a job in a shoe factory. I tried but I just didn't fit in. I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income. I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining. So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian - until I realized there was no future in it. My last job was working in Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind. So, I tried retirement and found that I'm perfect for the job!
A woman brings eight-year-old
A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he wascaught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them... they're bound tobe curious about sex at that age."
"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her damn appendixout!"
Doctors talk politics
An Israeli doctor said, "Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks."
A German doctor said "That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in four weeks."
A Russian doctor said, "In my country, medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another and have them both looking for work in two weeks."
The American doctor, not to be outdone, said "Hah! We are about to take an asshole out of Texas, put him in the White House and half the country will be looking for work the next day."
Dress Code:
1) You
Dress Code:1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.
Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.
Lunch Break:
* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
The Management
Freud's patient
One of Sigmund Freud's early patients rushed out into an Austrian afternoon on her way to meet her best friend at a coffee house.
Over Cappuccino and Viennese pastries, she suddenly burst out crying.
Her friend begged her to share what was wrong.
"Oh, it's just terrible," she wailed. "Today the doctor told me I'm in love with my father, and. . .and. . .and you know, he's a married man!"
A man was in a terrible accide...
A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic.The doctor said that the cost would be $3500 for small, $6500 for medium, and $14,000 for large. The man was sure he wanted a large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.
The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.
The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking quite dejected.
"Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.
The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen."
Giving a man his physical, a d...
Giving a man his physical, a doctor noticed several dark, ugly bruises on his shins, so he asked, "Do you play hockey?""No."
"Do you play soccer?"
"No."
"Do you play any other physical sport?"
"Not at all. I just play bridge with my wife."
Nasty women?
Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be called hell.
How are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.
How can you tell when a man is well hung?
When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
Make him wear shoes.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
How many men does it take to tile a bathroom?
Two - if you slice them very thinly.
Why can't men get mad cow disease?
Because they are pigs.
What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys an extra case of beer.
What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis?
The man.
Why do men have a hole in their penis?
So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.
Why do men name their penises?
Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90 percent of their decisions.
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg?
Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight?
A power failure.
What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys watching a football game.
What's the best way to force a man to do sit?ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship?
Telling you his real name.
What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man?
Big Foot has been spotted several times.
Why did God create man before woman?
He didn't want any advice.
Why did God create man before woman?
Because you need a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones.
Why do little boys whine?
Because they're practicing to be men.
In the doctors office two pati...
In the doctors office two patients are talking."You know, I had an appendectomy last month and the doctor left a sponge in me by mistake."
"A sponge!" exclaims the other. "Does it hurt much?"
"No...no pain at all," says the first, "but...boy, do I get thirsty!"
The twins....
One day Mr. Phillard was laying down on his bed until his wife screamed, 'Oww! I'm having labor pains!'
So Mr. Phillard rushed his wife over to the hospital. As the doctors were prepping his wife Mr. Phillard's brother Bill arrived at the hospital. Bill is a little slow in the head if you know what I mean and seems to always bother Mr. Phillard. So when the doctor called Mr. Phillard in to watch the birth he walked in with pride! But when he saw the blood and everything else, he fainted.
When Mr. Phillard woke up he was in a bed and saw the doctor standing above him. The doctor said, 'Mr. Phillard, you are in the recovery room. Don't worry, your wife is fine and she had twins.' Mr. Phillard became tremendously happy. The doctor also said, 'They are a boy and a girl!'
Mr. Phillard became immensely happy!! The doctor continued, 'Although you were unconscious and your wife as well because of the anesthesia she requested, your brother Bill name the kids.'
Mr. Phillard screamed, 'What! My brother the idiot! I can't believe you let him! What did he name them!?' The doctor replied, 'Well, he named your daughter Denice'
Mr. Phillard answered, 'Hey not bad! I underestimated my brother. Well what did he name my son?'
The doctor answered solemnly, 'He named your son Denephew.'
A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest...
A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble.
In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.
Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining. The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.
The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live."
He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.
The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."
The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack."
