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Doctor jokes - jokes about doctors (721 to 735)Jokes about doctor. These are funny jokes with doctors! These are the jokes listed 721 to 735. |
A man phoned his doctor saying
A man phoned his doctor saying his wife appeared to be having an appendicitis attack."That's impossible," the physician replied. "Your wife had an appendectomy last year. Why are you bothering me for something as stupid as that? Have you ever seen anybody with a second appendix?"
"No, to be honest I haven't!" the husband replied. "Have you ever seen anybody with a second wife?"
A man was seen fleeing down th...
A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation."What's the matter?" he was asked.
He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right.'"
"She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?"
"She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor."
Two psychiatrists were at a co
Two psychiatrists were at a convention. As they conversed over a drink, one asked, "What was your most difficult case?"The other replied, "I had a patient who lived in a pure fantasy world. He believed that an uncle in South America was going to die and leave him a fortune. All day long he waited for a letter to arrive from an attorney. He never went out, he never did anything, he merely sat around and waited for this fantasy letter from this fantasy uncle. I worked with this man eight years."
"What was the result?"
"It was an eight-year struggle. Every day for eight years, but I finally cured him. And then that stupid letter arrived!"
Bad To Hear In Surgery
Things you don't want to hear during surgery:
- Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
- "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness."
- Bo! Bo! Come back with that. Bad dog!
- Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
- Hand me that... uh... that uh... that thingy there.
- Oh no! Where's my Rolex.
- Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived from 500 ml of this stuff before?
- There go the lights again?
- "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys? and this guy's got two of 'em."
- Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
- Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing off my concentration.
- What's this doing here?
- I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.
- That's cool. Now can you make his leg twitch by pressing that one?!
- Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
- Sterile schmerile. The floor's clean, right?
- OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
- This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
- Nurse, did this patient sign an organ donation card?
- Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
- What do you mean "You want a divorce?!?"
- FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!
- Oh no! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
A little hard of hearing!
A 92 year-old man went to the Doctor to get a physical. A few days later the Dr. saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.
A couple of days later the Dr. talked to the man and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doctor, 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful."
The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful."
What did the doctor say?
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.
He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim." If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.
On the way home, the husband asked his wife.
"What did the doctor say?"
"You're going to die," she replied.
A man took his old duck to the
A man took his old duck to the Doctor, concerned because the duck wouldn't eat.The Doctor explained to the man that as ducks age their upper bills grow down over their lower bills and make it difficult for the animal to pick up it's food.
"What you need to do is gently file the upper bill down even with the lower bill. But you must be extra careful because the duck's nostrils are located in the upper bill and if you file down too far, when the duck takes a drink of water it'll drown."
The man goes about his business and about a week later the Doctor runs into his patient.
"Well, how is that duck of yours?" the Doctor inquires.
"He's dead." declared the heartbroken man.
"I told you not to file his upper bill down too far! He took a drink of water and drowned didn't he?" insisted the Doctor.
"No." lamented the man. "I think he was dead before I took him out of the vise."
Funny Christmas cracker jokes
What do they sing at a snowman's birthday party?
Freeze a jolly good fellow
Why does Santa have three gardens?
So he can 'ho ho ho'!
What does Miley Cyrus have at Christmas?
Twerky!
Why did Santa's helper see the doctor?
Because he had a low "elf" esteem!
Who is Santa's favorite singer?
Elf-is Presley!
What do Santa's little helpers learn at school?
The elf-abet!
Why are Christmas trees so bad at sewing?
They always drop their needles!
Did Rudolph go to school?
No. He was Elf-taught!
How do snowmen get around?
They ride an icicle!
Six months...
The middle aged man was visibly shaken when his Doctor advised that he had only 6 month's to live because of the terminal disease that was detected during a recent physical check-up. The Doctor suggested that he should get his "house in order", make sure his Will was current and ensure all final arrangements were in place for the funeral. He should then make plans to enjoy what might be left of his life, to the fullest.
"What will you do for the last six months?" asked the Doctor.
His patient thought for a few minutes then replied, "I think I'll go and live with my Mother-in-law".
Surprised by the answer, the Doctor asked, "Of all people, why in the would you want to live with your Mother-in-law?"
"Because it'll be the longest six months of my Life!"
Mechanic v. Surgeon
Morris was removing some engine valves from a car on the
lift when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Michael
DeBakey, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the
service manager.
Morris, somewhat of a loud mouth, shouted across the garage,
"Hey DeBakey . . . . Is dat you ? Come over here a minute."
The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where
Morris was working on a car.
Morris in a loud voice, all could hear, said
argumentatively, "So Mr. fancy doctor, look at this work. I
also take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I
finish this baby will
purr like a kitten. So how come you get the big bucks, when
you and me are doing basically the same work?"
DeBakey, very embarrassed, walked away, and said softly, to
Morris . . . "Try doing your work with the engine running."
A man and his wife were making
A man and his wife were making their first doctor visit prior to the birth of their first child. After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife's stomach with indelible ink.The couple was curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, he dug out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was.
In very tiny letters, the stamp said, "When you can read this without a needing a magnifying glass, come back and see me."
