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Doctor jokes - jokes about doctors (1231 to 1245)Jokes about doctor. These are funny jokes with doctors! These are the jokes listed 1231 to 1245. |
Missing fingers....
Jon's working at the lumberyard, pushing a tree through the buzz saw, and accidentally shears off all ten of his fingers. He goes to the emergency room.
The doctor says, "Yuck! Well, give me the fingers, and I'll see what I can do."
Jon says, "I haven't got the fingers."
The doctor says, "What do you mean, you haven't got the fingers? It's 1998. We've got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put them back on and made you like new. Why didn't you bring the fingers?"
Jon says, "Well, heck, Doc, I couldn't pick 'em up."
A doctor and his wife...
A doctor and his wife are having an argument in the morning over breakfast and the doctor blurts out, "You know what? You're not that great in bed anyways!"
So he goes off to work and thinks it over and decides to call his wife and make amends.....
So he calls the house and the phone rings many, many times and then his wife finally answers the phone completely out of breath....
So the doctor says, "What were you doing?" and she says, "l was in bed!" and the doctor says, "What were you doing in bed so late in the day?"
The wife says, "getting a second opinion!"
Funny jokes-Lazy manager
Manager: "I am doing fine. On the court when I see a ball coming to me at speed, my brain instantly reacts and says: ‘To the net or smash or take the corner' like that. I don't believe it. "
Secretary: “Then what happens?”
Manager: “Then my body reacts and says ‘Who? Me? You must be joking.”
Really funny jokes-Welfare Applications
For those unfamiliar, Welfare payments are made in the US to individuals and families with income below a level. The following quotations are taken from actual letters received by the Welfare Department in applications for support of receiving payments.
* I am forwarding my marriage certificate and 6 children. I had seven but one died which was baptized on a half sheet of paper.
* I am writing the welfare department to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money?
* Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for two years and has been visited regularly by the clergy.
* I cannot get sick pay. I have six children can you tell me why?
* I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead.
* This is my eighth child. What are you going to do about it.
* Please find for if my husband is dead. The man I am now living with can't do anything until he knows.
* I am very much annoyed to find out that you have branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week before he was born.
* In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a son weighing 10 lbs. I hope this is satisfactory.
* I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my 3 children one of which is a mistake as you can see.
* My husband got his project cut off about two weeks ago and I haven't had any relief since.
* Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life.
* You have my changed little boy to a girl, will this make any difference?
* I have no children yet, as my husband is a truck driver and works night and day.
* I want money as quick as I can get it. I have been in bed with the doctor for two weeks and he doesn't do me any good. If things don't improve, I will have to send for another doctor.
* In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.
Weight Problem
A young woman was having a physical examination and was embarrassed because of a weight problem. As she removed her last bit of clothing, she blushed. "I'm so ashamed, Doctor," she said, "I guess I let myself go."
The physician was checking hers eyes and ears. "Don't feel ashamed, Miss. You don't look that bad."
"Do you really think so, Doctor?" she asked.
The doctor held a tongue depressor in front of her face and said, "Of course. Now just open your mouth and say moo."
A little hard of hearing!
A 92 year-old man went to the Doctor to get a physical. A few days later the Dr. saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.
A couple of days later the Dr. talked to the man and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doctor, 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful."
The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful."
This Joke Hurts
A brunette goes to the doctor and says, "Everywhere I touch it hurts." He asks "What do you mean?" So she showed him what she meant. She touched her knee and said "Ouch!" Then she touched her chest and said, "Ouch!" Then her shoulder, "Ouch!" The doctor looks at her and asks, "Your really blonde, aren''t you?" She replies "Yes, as a matter of fact I am. How did you guess?" Doctor says, "Well your finger is broken."
What did the doctor say?
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.
He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim." If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.
On the way home, the husband asked his wife.
"What did the doctor say?"
"You're going to die," she replied.
Will power problem
Lori, the pert and pretty nurse took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked.
"Doctor, you must help me," she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date one of the young doctors here, I end up in bed with him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week."
"I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter?"
"For god's sake, no!" exclaimed the Nurse. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward."
Really funny jokes-Fighting fit
There was a line of young aspirants when they arrived at the recruitment center. They both felt it would be unwise to stand in the queue next to each other. So one stood in the line and the other waited for the line to extend a bit when a bulky, young unwashed boy took the line. The other decided to stand next to the bulky boy.
When the first boy's turn came, the doctor asked if he had anything to say regarding his health. The boy said he did not have any teeth. The doctor ordered the boy to open his mouth, ran his fingers around the kid's gum and asked him to stand in the rejection queue.
The line progressed and ultimately it was the bulky boy's turn. The doctor asked him: “Anything wrong with you?” The boy replied: “I have piles.”
The doctor asked the boy to undress. He then made the boy bend and spread. He inserted his finger inside, moved it around for a while as if to make sure, pulled back his finger and declared that the boy indeed had piles and announced him unfit.
The doctor declared "Next"
When the second toothless boy stepped up to the doctor, he was asked if he had anything to declare.
The boy shouted: “No sir, not a damn thing wrong with me. Give me that rifle and march me to the border.”
A night to remember
A man goes to the doctor after feeling ill. The doctor says: "You know, you should have come to see me sooner. Unfortunately you have waited too long and you are going to die this evening."
The man is distraught and wonders how he is going to tell his wife. Well, he tells her and she takes it pretty well: "Honey, this is going to be a night that you will always remember," she says. "I am going to treat you like a king."
She prepares a scrumptious gourmet dinner with wine, candles -- the works. After dinner she slips away and returns in the most incredible negligee the man has ever seen. She leads him into their bedroom. They make the most passionate love they have ever made. The man is beside himself. Once done, the wife rolls over to go to sleep knowing she kept her promise. Well, the husband is wide awake watching the clock.
He knows that he is doomed. He taps her: "Honey?" he whispers. She rolls over and they again proceed to make love. Again when they were done she rolls over and he taps her. By now she is getting cranky, but under the circumstances she grants her husband's dying wishes. Finally the wife rolls over and begins to snore. Well, the man decides to tap her again: "Honey?" he whispers.
She rolls over and yells: "Would you give it a rest! One of us has to get up in the morning!"
Doctor's Prescription
A very nervous man, accompanied by his nagging wife, was examined by a doctor. After checking the chart and listening to the wife's ceaseless chatter, he nodded and wrote the man a prescription for a powerful tranquilizer.
The man asked: "How often do I take these?"
"Let's start with once every six hours. But they're not for you," replied the doctor: "They're for your wife."
Birth control
One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out and said: "You had a great checkup. Is there anything that you'd like to talk about or ask me?"
"Well," he said: "I was thinking about getting a vasectomy."
"That's a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?"
"Yeah, and they're in favor 15 to 2."
