Doctor jokes - jokes about doctors (1246 to 1260)

Six months...

The middle aged man was visibly shaken when his Doctor advised that he had only 6 month's to live because of the terminal disease that was detected during a recent physical check-up. The Doctor suggested that he should get his "house in order", make sure his Will was current and ensure all final arrangements were in place for the funeral. He should then make plans to enjoy what might be left of his life, to the fullest.

"What will you do for the last six months?" asked the Doctor.

His patient thought for a few minutes then replied, "I think I'll go and live with my Mother-in-law".

Surprised by the answer, the Doctor asked, "Of all people, why in the would you want to live with your Mother-in-law?"

"Because it'll be the longest six months of my Life!"

doctor - affair - meatballs

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse.

Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant.

Not wanting hiswife to know, he gave the nurse

a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and

have the baby there. "But how will I let you

know the baby is born?" she asked.

He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write

'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of expenses."

Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the

money and flew to Italy.

Six months went by and then one day the doctor's

wife called him at the office and explained,

"Dear, you received a very strange postcard in

the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand

what it means." The doctor said, "Just wait until

I get home and I will explain it to you."

Later that evening, the doctor came home,

read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart

attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The

lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife.

He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac

arrest.

So the wife picked up the card and read, "'Spaghetti,

Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage

and meatballs, two without.'"

Really funny jokes-Drafted

I didn't enlist in the Army - I was drafted.
So I wasn't going to make life easy for anyone.
During my physical, the doctor asked softly, "Can you read the letters on the wall?"
"What letters?" I answered slyly.
"Good," said the doctor. "You passed the hearing test."

Best Diet

A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks,” he instructs her: “The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."

When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says: "Did you follow my instructions?"

The blonde nods: "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day," she says.

"From hunger, you mean?" the doctor asks.

"No, from skipping."

A Doctor was addressing a larg...

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa.. 'The
material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us
sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your
stomach lining.. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can
be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the
germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the
most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone
here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering
for years after eating it?' After several seconds of quiet, a
75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said,
'Wedding Cake.'

Hilarious jokes-Reading problem

An eye specialist to a patient: “Read those letters.”
Patient: “Where are they?”
Doctor: “On the board.”
Patient: “Where is the board?”
Doctor: “On the wall.”
Patient: “Where is the wall?”

The Magical Frog

John went to the doctor one day. " Dr. I don't know what to do. The women are scared of me. My penis is too long. What can I do?" The doctor meassured it and it was 24 inches long. "Well, you have 2 choices. One, you can have it surgically downsized. Or two, you can go ask a certain frog to marry you." The man instantly said, "I'm not asking a frog to marry me!" "It's okay, he will say no. But it's alot easier than cutting it."

So the doctor gave him directions, and he drove to the pond. He saw the frog, and said, "Frog!" The frog said, "what?" John asked, "will you marry me?" The frog said, "no." His penis shrunk 6 inches. He noticed this, and decided that 2 more times would be good. He asked again, and again it shrunk 6 more inches. Then he asked a 3rd time. "Frog!" The frog turned, and disgustedly asked, "what do you want?!" John said, "will you marry me?" The frog said, "NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!"

Tetanus Shot

The old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting on his coat.
His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks, "Where are you going?"
He replies, "I'm going to the doctor."
She says, "Why, are you sick?"
He says, "Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff."
Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat.
He says, "Where the hell are you going"?
She answers, "I'm going to the doctor, too."
He says, "Why, what do you need?"
She says, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm getting a tetanus shot."

Peter says. Doctor, I see doub...

Peter says. Doctor, I see double!
Sit on the chair please the doctor says.
Which one? Peter replied.

Peter says. Doctor, I see dou...

Peter says. Doctor, I see double!
Sit on the chair please the doctor says.
Which one? Peter replied.

Really funny jokes-Oysters

A woman went to see a Doctor, complaining of an upset stomach.
The Doctor asked "What did you have for dinner last night?"
"Oysters," she replied.
"Were the oysters fresh?" asked the doctor.
"How should I know?" said the lady.
"Well," asked the doctor, "couldn't you tell when you took off the shells?"
"Oh my god," gasped the lady. "Are you supposed to take off the shells?"

Check Up

So I went to the doctor last week for a check up, and the doctor was like "you have GOT to stop masturbating!" and I was like "oh no Doc! Why?!?"

And he said "because I'm trying to examine you!"

A pipe burst in a doctor's hou...

A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600.
The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a doctor!."
The plumber quietly answered, "Neither did I when I was a doctor."

Tried to kill myself

There was a blonde and she went to the emergency room because she got shot in the hand.

The doctor asked her how she got shot in the hand. She replied,"I tried to kill myself."

He replies"what?"

She says, "Well,first i put the gun to my chest,then thought '"Wait I have a 500 dollar boob job,and don't want to mess it up", then I put the gun to my chin, and thought "well, I just got new dental work done, don't want that messed up", so I put the gun to my ear,and then thought, it will be really loud, so I put my hand between the gun and my ear and pulled the trigger!"

Old Man Hot Mama

An old hearing impaired gentleman visited his doctor and he had been warned to be careful as he had a heart murmur.

The doctor was therefore most surprised to see the old fellow out on the town, whooping it up. He got his attention and took him aside. "Don't you remember what I told you the other day?" he inquired.

"Oh, I surely do." the old gent replied, "Best dang advice I ever had. I did just as you said. I got me a hot mama and I'm cheerful"