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Doctor jokes - jokes about doctors (1321 to 1335)Jokes about doctor. These are funny jokes with doctors! These are the jokes listed 1321 to 1335. |
Really funny jokes-You might be an E.R. Doctor if
* your favorite hallucinogen is exhaustion.
* discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal to you.
* you think that caffeine should be available in IV form.
* you get an almost irresistible urge to stand and wolf your food even in the nicest restaurants.
* you believe the waiting room should be equipped with a Valium fountain.
* you say to yourself "great veins" when looking at complete strangers.
* you believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says, "Boy it is quiet around here."
* you have ever referred to someone's death as a transfer to the "Eternal Care Unit".
* you have ever had a patient say, "But I'm not pregnant, I can't be pregnant. How can I be having a baby?"
* you have ever had a patient look you straight in the eye and say "I have no idea how that got stuck in there".
* your most common assessment question is "what changed tonight to make it an emergency after 6 (hours, days, weeks, months, years)?"
Ski season...
Ski season is almost here! Hence, the following list of exercises to get you prepared:16. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk- in freezer for a half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.
15. Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use.
14. Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night.
13. If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses.
12. Throw away a hundred dollar bill-now.
11. Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. Sporadically drop things.
10. Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes.
9. Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.
8. Secure one of your ankles to a bedpost and ask a friend to run into you at high speed.
7. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are in the longest line.
6. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.
5. Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following an 18-wheeler.
4. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip into your clothes.
3. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom.
2. Slam your thumb in a car door. Don't go see a doctor.
1. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until it's time for the real thing!
Maurice, an 82 year-old man, w...
Maurice, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor for his physical.A few days later, the doctor saw Maurice walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Maurice and said, Youre really doing great, arent you?
Maurice replied, Just doing what you said, Doc -- Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.
The doctor said, I did not say that. I said, You've got a heart murmur. Be careful.
Maurice an 82 year-old man wen...
Maurice an 82 year-old man went to the doctor for his physical.A few days later the doctor saw Maurice walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.
A couple of days later do doctor spoke to Maurice and said, “You’re really dong great, aren’t you?”
Maurice replied, “Just doing what you said, Doc: “Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.”
The doctor said, “I did not say that. I said, “You got a heart murmur. Be careful.”
Ligh bulb jokes-How many Doctors?
That depends on whether it has health insurance.
None. They just tell it to take two aspirin and come round to the surgery later.
None. They only sign the death certificate and phone the mortuary.
None. They would diagnose depression and prescribe benzo diazapines.
Only one, but he has to have a nurse to tell him which end to screw in.
Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.
Canine Complex
A man walked into the office of an eminent psychiatrist and sat down to explain his problem.“Doctor, doctor! I've got this problem,” the man said. “I keep hallucinating that I'm a dog. It's crazy. I don't know what to do!”
“A common canine complex,” said the doctor soothingly. “Relax. Come here and lie down on the couch.”
“Oh no, Doctor,” the man said nervously, “I'm not allowed up on the furniture.”
Lunatics
Three lunatics...
LunaticsThree lunatics approach their Asylum doctor with a request for a weekend pass to the local city. "That's impossible says the doctor. You're all nuts. You'll get lost and never come back." But, the lunatics wouldn't relent until finally, exasperated, the doctor says "OK! If you can answer a simple question I'll sign the pass." He turns to the first lunatic and says "What's three times three?" The lunatic starts counting on his fingers "3, 7, 19, 38?. Is it 128?" The doctor shakes his head and turns to the next lunatic: "What's three times three?" The lunatic immediately shouts "WEDNESDAY!" The doctor, beginning to get disgusted turns to the last lunatic: What's three times three?" The lunatic thinks for a moment and then asks for a pencil and a piece of paper. That provided, she writes for some time furiously, and finally looks up and says "Nine." The doctor is amazed, but true to his word he begins filling out the pass. As he's writing he says "This is incredible, you've always been thoroughly insane. How'd you do it?" The lunatic responds, "Oh, it was easy I divided 128 by Wednesday!"
A pregnant woman gets into a c...
A pregnant woman gets into a car accident and falls into a deep coma.Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."
The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother -- he's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Denise," the doctor says.
The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!" Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"
The doctor replies, DeNephew.
Adult jokes-Still premature!
His wife rang up the hospital to find out if the operation was a success, and the doctor informed her, "I'm sorry but it's still touch and go!"
Really funny jokes-Victim of imagination
While struggling to breathe, he said "Jane, it has hit me at last. It came without a warning. All of a sudden I found I could not straighten up. I can't even raise my head."
When the doctor came to see Michael, his wife asked the doctor, "Will he survive?"
"Well" the doctor said, "it certainly would be a great help if he will unhitch the second buttonhole of his vest from the top button of his trousers."
Lessons from Comp 4
I recently finished up teaching Comp 4, the computer literacy course here at UNC, during a compressed summer session. Comp 4 is an introductory class that assumes NO knowledge of computers among its students, and believe me when I say that this was often the case. The class was great fun to teach, and one of the facets that made it interesting (day-in and day-out) was the wealth of new knowledge that the students imparted to me on tests and examinations. I thought that I'd share some of these nuggets with you. My comments are in the standard C delimiters (/* and */). *Your* comments are encouraged. Here goes:Bacchus invented FORTRAN. /* I knew FORTRAN was old, and that it may have been designed under the influence of alcohol, but... */
There are three kinds of program statements: sequence, repetition, and seduction.
There are two types of graphics: vector and rascal. /* Otay... */
Programming languages have specifictions. /* Obviously this student has dealt with a few standards. */
Macs are compatible with each other. /* Imagine the alternative: "What's your Mac's serial number? We'll go back to the warehouse and get your software."
*/
Doctors use computers to create a three demential picture of a person's brain. /* Is this classic, or what? */
One kind of a hostile computer program is a Trojan.
C is a logical programming language. /*
Heuristics (from the French heure, "hour") limit the amount of time spent executing something. [When using heuristics] it shouldn't take longer than an hour to do something. /* An absolutely terrific "false cognate". */
Having the computer automatically fill in images for animation is called "spleening". /* Derivation: most likely "splines" + "tweening". */
One method of computer security is a phone line. /* She qualified it later by adding, "You have to know the number."
*/
Video games are examples of fault-tolerant systems.
On one test, I gave the students some abbreviations and asked them to tell me what they stood for. You won't believe the creativity of a student in a test situation. For example, one of the abbreviations was "fax", which *really* stands for "facsimile". However, various Comp 4'ers said it stood for: Fiber-optic Aided Xeroxing Frequency Automatic X-rays
/* and my favorite... */
Fast A** Xeroxing
The students also had to hand in term papers, and these were rife with interesting tidbits. I've clipped a few, quoted verbatim:
"The worst thing the Mac has to offer, is that cooperative multitasking is not available to be used."
"... footnotes present an interesting problem, which may be solvable by Hypercad."
/* I assume the last term is the newest rage -- a free-form database for designers. */
"...Linda, a blind girl, was able to attend public school due to the aid of a speaking computer that taught her the basic fundmamentals [sic] of grammar and spelling."
/* Linda may want to lend her computer out... */
"The program is manufactured by Quantel, a Silicon Valley company located in Clearwater, Florida."
/* A *long* valley, as my roommate put it. */
"At the beginning of each season [Edwin] Moses teats himself on computerized weight machines..."
/* Ouch! */
More One-liners…
Middle age is when you are warned to slow down by a doctor instead of a policeman.A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.
An escalator never breaks . . . it only becomes stairs
When you get older, lack of pep is often mistaken for patience.
The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.
What will today's younger generation tell their children they had to do “without”?
If you're doing the speed limit, you're in the way.
18 out of 10 schizophrenics agree
It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.
Bumper Sticker: Excuse me for driving so closely in front of you.
Today is the last day of your life, so far.
No man really becomes a fool until he stops asking questions.
People never grow up; they just learn how to act in public.
One half of the world will never understand the other half and it doesn't matter which half you're in.
I've discovered the whole problem with the National Debt. Most of us work 5 days a week and the government spends 7.
You'll notice that a turtle only makes progress when it sticks out its neck.
No matter how bad it gets, I'm rich at the dollar store.
The tongue must be heavy indeed, because so few people can't hold it.
The minute a man is convinced that he is interesting, he isn't.
If you want to know more about paranoids, follow them around.
Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.
The reason Las Vegas is so crowded is that no one has the plane fare to leave.
An Unusual Vet
There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist.
Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two
vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their
owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his
income.
He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying,
"Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy -- Either way,
you get your dog back!"
Light bulb jokes-Nurses
How many nurses does it take to change a light bulb?None, as they simply have a nursing assistant to do it.
As many as the doctor orders.
How many triage nurses does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but the bulb will have to spend five hours in the waiting room.
