Doctor jokes - jokes about doctors (136 to 150)

An elderly, wealthy woman in F

An elderly, wealthy woman in Florida was boring fellow beachcombers as she bragged on and on about her two remarkable grandchildren.
Unable to stand it any longer, a fellow sunbather interrupted her.
"Tell me, how old are your grandsons?"
The grandmother gave a grateful smile and replied, "The doctor is four and the lawyer is six..."

Poisonous Snake

2 friends were camping out one night, when all of the sudden one of them jumps up screaming, "A SNAKE JUST BIT ME ON THE TIP OF MY PENIS!!".
The other friend said, "don't worry, I am going to town to find a doctor, I will be right back!".
So he goes to town, and finally finds a doctor.
"Doctor!! My friend just got bit by a snake!!!" the friend says. "It's ok", the doctor says, "all you have to do is suck the poison out.".
The friend says thank you, and runs back to the camp site. The injured friends asks, "WHAT DID THE DOCTOR SAY? WHAT DID HE SAY?"
The other friend replies, "doctor said you gonna die!"

Is Everyone Here?

A man was very sick. Doctors feared the worst. He is at home one day, resting in his bed. He looks up and says, "Is my wife here?"
His wife replies, "Yes, dear, I'm here, next to you."
The man goes, "Are my children here?"
"Yes, Daddy, we are all here," say the children.
"Are my other relatives also here?"
And they say, "Yes, we are all here..."
The man sits up and says, "Then why in the world is the light on in the kitchen?"

There was a baby born in the h

There was a baby born in the hospital and he weighed ten pounds. The odd thing about him was his body weighed five pounds and his testicles weighed five pounds.
All the nurses and even the doctor didn't know what to do with him. Then, the chief surgeon walked in and asked what was wrong.
The head nurse replied, "We don't know what to do with this baby."
So the chief surgeon took one look and said, "You should put him into a mental institution."
"Why?" asked the head nurse.
"Well," replied the chief surgeon, "take a look at him. The boy is obviously half nuts."

A man has been undergoing medi

A man has been undergoing medical treatment, and meets with his doctor to review some tests.
Doctor: I'm sorry, but I have bad news. Your condition is now incurable, and you have only 6 months to live. I recommend you get your affairs in order.
Man: That's terrible! Isn't there anything you can do? Surely there's some treatment!
Doctor: No, we've been using the best available medicines, and they aren't working.
Man: I'll try anything...what about experimental treatments?
Doctor: There aren't any for your disease, I'm afraid.
Man, desperate: Maybe alternate medicine?
Doctor, impatient: Well, I don't believe in that stuff, but if you insist...you can go to the spa up the road everyday and get a mud bath.
Man: Really? That will help?
Doctor: No, but it will get you used to dirt.

A man and his wife were making

A man and his wife were making their first doctor visit, the wife being pregnant with their first child. After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife's stomach with indelible ink.
The couple was curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, the husband got out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was. In very tiny letters, the stamp said, "When you can read this, come back and see me."

"Doctor! There's fly in the o

"Doctor! There's fly in the ointment!"
"Yes, I know, he's recovering from a nasty soup-burn."

Walking Orders

A graverdigger, walking in the streets of a small town chanced to turn and noticed two doctors walking behind him. He stopped until they passed and then followed on behind them.
"And why this?" asked the doctors.
"I know my place in this procession," he said.

A man is walking through the m

A man is walking through the mall with his teen-age son. The son is tossing a quarter up in the air and catching it between his teeth. On one such attempt, the boy fails to clamp down with his teeth and ends up getting the quarter lodged in his throat. As the boy begins to choke and wheeze the father panics and starts yelling for help.
Not to far from the action is a man sitting at a coffee shop reading a paper and drinking his coffee, when he hears the fathers distressed cries he patiently puts down his coffee and folds his paper, he then walks slowly over to the boy and grabs him by the balls and squeezes the s*** out of them. The boy coughs up the quarter and the man catches it in his hand and proceeds to walk away with it, sitting back down to his coffee.
The amazed father runs over and says, "Thank you Sir, you saved my son's life. Are you a Doctor?"
"No," the man replies, "I work for the IRS."

Charlie's wife, Lucy, had bee

Charlie's wife, Lucy, had been after him for several weeks to paint the seat on their toilet. Finally, he got around to doing it while Lucy was out. After finishing, he left to take care of another matter before she returned.
She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.
About that time, Charlie got home and realized her predicament.
They both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever.
Finally, in desperation, Charlie undid the toilet seat bolts. Lucy wrapped a sheet around herself and Charlie drove her to the hospital emergency room.
The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her.
Lucy tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."
The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them. I just never saw one mounted and framed."

A man goes to a sperm bank and

A man goes to a sperm bank and says, "I'd like to make a deposit please."
The doctor says, "Go and fill this up," and gives the man a bottle.
Three days later the man returns to the sperm bank, marches into the doctor's office and says, "I've tried with my left hand and tried with my right hand. My wife has tried with her left hand and her right hand. My mother-in-law has tried with a rubber glove on and even took her teeth out and tried with her mouth -- none of us can get the top off that bottle!"

Sandra and her husband Jim are

Sandra and her husband Jim are expecting a baby in 2 months. One day Jim comes home from work and asks Sandra, "Why haven't we had sex in so long?"
"You know I'm worried it will hurt the baby," Sandra told him.
"I'll be really gentle. I promise," Jim tells her.
Sandra protests but Jim manages to finally convince her that he won't hurt the baby so they have sex.
Two months later Sandra gives birth to a baby boy. When the baby was born he looked at the doctor and says, "Are you my father?"
The doctor shakes his head.
Then to Sandra, "Are you my father?"
"No, I'm your mother," she tells him.
Finally the baby sees Jim and says, "Are you my father?"
Jim nods.
The baby starts hitting him on the head and says, "How does this feel?"

Absolute Rest

"Madam, your husband must have absolute rest."
"Well, Doctor, he won't listen to me."
"A very good beginning, madam, a very good beginning."

Patient's Request

A physician had just finished up a colonoscopy.
Before the patient leaves, he asks the physician, "Could you write a note for my wife, saying that my head isn't really up there?"

Bad Advice

I went to the doctors recently. He said, "Don't eat anything fatty."
I said, "What, like bacon and burgers?"
He said, "No, I mean you, Fatty, don't eat anything!"