Dog jokes

My neighbor. She’s single. S...

My neighbor. She’s single. She’s shapely & beautiful and she lives right across the street.

I watched her as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on my door.

I opened the door, she looked at me and said, ”I just got home, and I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and have fun tonight. Are you doing anything?”

I quickly replied, “Nope, I’m free!”

“Great” she said. ”Can you watch my dog?”

A man went to the movies and was surprised to find a woman...

A man went to the movies and was surprised to find a woman with a big collie sitting in front of him. Even more amazing was the fact that the dog always laughed in the right places through the comedy.

"Excuse me," the man said to the woman, "but I think it's astounding that your dog enjoys the movie so much."

"I am surprised myself, " she replied. "He hated the book."

Superman calls to Lois Lane...

Superman calls to Lois Lane, "Lois come in here a second! I want you to see something."

Lois comes into the room and says, "What is it?"

Superman points across the room at their dog, whom he has dressed up with glasses and a tie.

Lois says, "... who the hell is that?"

A man walked into a library and asked the librarian...

A man walked into a library and asked the librarian, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?

The librarian replied, "It rings a bell, but I'm not sure if it's here or not."

How to report a crime

George Phillips, an elderly man from Walled Lake, Michigan, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turnoff the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me ." Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy, you should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available" George said, "Okay." He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both; the dogs are eating them right now," and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available."

Bar None

During a terrible snowstorm a St. Bernard was sent out with his usual keg of brandy to find a lost hiker.
Two hours later, the dog came back to the rescue center with his little barrel empty and a note tucked under his collar.
Curious, the chief took the note, revealing it to say, "Enjoyed the brandy. Next time, please send a double!"

Corgi Jokes - to celebrate International Corgi Day

We celebrate International Corgi Day on June the 4th. Get involved in International Corgi Day, tell a Corgi Joke!

Q: Why are most corgi jokes such bad jokes?
A: Because they’re too short.

Q: What do you call a corgi that is overweight?
A: Low-fat

Q: Why do corgis react so violently when their food is touched?
A: Because they have a short fuse.

Q: What do you call a corgi owner who instructs his canine companion in dance?
A: A corgi-o-grapher.

Q: How do corgis unlock doors?
A: By using a Corg-key

Q: When it’s cold outside, what does a corgi wear?
A: The cordigan

Q: What do you call a dog from New Mexico?
A: An Albu-corgi.

Q: Why are corgis such excellent hunting companions?
A: They are in-corg-nito because concealment is not necessary.

Q: Why do corgis enjoy going to the mall?
A: Because they want their tail to come back.

Q: What occurs when a corgi is connected to a battery?
A: A short circuit occurs.

Q: If a corgi dresses up as one of the Avengers for Halloween, what would you call him?
A: One Thorgi.

Q: When other dogs eat their food, why do corgis grow aggressive?
A: Because they are short-tempered dogs.

Q: Why did the corgi sit in the shade on a hot day?
A: Because it didn’t want to be a “hot dog.”

Chasing His Tail

As I watched my dog chasing his tail, I thought how easily dogs are amused...
Then, I thought how easily amused I am watching my dog chase his tail.

28 Morbidly Amusing Dark Humor Jokes to Tickle Your Macabre Side

If you find these jokes funny, something is probably wrong with you!

I was digging in the garden and happened to find a chest with a lot of gold coins.
I wanted to run home to tell my wife about it.
Then I remembered why I was digging in the garden.

What's yellow and can't swim?
A bus full of children.

The doctor gave me one month to live, so I shot him with my gun.
The judge gave me 15 years.

What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn't matter what you call him, anyway he won't come.

Cremation is my final hope for a smoking-hot body.

What's the last thing in a fly's head as it hits the windshield of a car going 100 mph?
It's behind.

What's worse than biting an apple and then discovering a worm?
Biting the apple, then discovering half a worm.

When ordering dinner at a restaurant, I asked the waiter how they prepared their chicken.
He explained.
"We just tell them they're going to die."

An apple a day keeps the doctor away only if you throw it hard enough.

Why can't orphans play baseball?
They don't know where their home is.

Welcome back to Plastic Surgery Anonymous.
It's nice to see new faces here today!

Why can't you have a book on how to commit suicide in a library?
Because you wouldn't return it back.

What makes sad people jump?
Bridges.

I don't have any carbon footprint.
I drive everywhere.

I wished to die, but then I got a job.
Now I want to pass out.

What do you call a bacterial disease that is caused by two grizzlies?
Twobearculosis.

My doctor told me to stop eating red meat,
so now I dye it orange.

Why are overweight babysitters an awful idea?
The babies always get crushed when they sit on them.

How do you stop a baby from choking?
Let go of his neck.

When I see the lovers' names written on a tree, I don't find it romantic or cute.
I find it weird how people would take knives on their dates.

I was shocked when I found out my toaster was not waterproof.

A dark joke is like food,
which many people don't get.

If you think I am joking about Alzheimer's,
forget it.

Where did Lucy go during the bombing?
Everywhere.

It's important to have a perfect vocabulary.
If I had known to distinguish between anecdote and antidote, one of my good friends would still be alive.

You're not useless.
You can always be used as a bad example.

I have jokes about unemployed people,
but sadly, none work.

What did the frog say at his puppeteer's funeral?
Not a word.

Six Quick Jokes to Kickstart Your Week with a Smile

Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
I already have like 50 wooden balls already.

I can't believe I forgot to go to the gym yesterday.
That's 8 years in a row now.

Wife: "I just got stung by a jellyfish. quick, pee on it!"
Husband: [peeing on jellyfish] "This is for stinging my wife."

I hate it when my wife gets mad at me for being lazy.
It’s not like I did anything!

I have a contact lens problem.
I have no contact lens solution.

My wife rang me at the pub and said, “If you’re not home in 10 minutes, I’m giving the dinner I cooked you to the dog.”
I was home in 5 minutes.
I’d hate for anything to happen to the dog.

Take A Message

When you call a dog, they usually come to you.
When you call a cat, they take a message.

Winter Wit: Midweek Laughs to Warm You Up for Friday Fun with 31 jokes

Which one is faster: hot or cold?
Hot. You can catch a cold.

Why is the slippery ice like music?
If you don't C sharp - you'll B flat!

What's an ig?
A snow house without a loo!

What do you call a snowman with abs?
An abdominal snowman.

How does a snowman get to work?
By icicle

What did the wool hat say to the scarf?
You hang around while I go on ahead.

What do snowmen win at the Olympics?
Cold medals!

How do polar bears make their beds?
With sheets of ice and blankets of snow.

What do you call a snowman’s dog?
A slush puppy!

"Knock, knock!" "Who's there?" "Freeze." "Freeze who?"
"Freeze a jolly good fellow, freeze a jolly good fellow..."

"Knock, knock!" "Who's there?" "Icy." "Icy who?”
"Icy a long cold winter coming!"

"Knock, knock!" "Who's there?" "Snow." "Snow who?"
"Snowbody home."

What kind of math does a Snowy Owls like?
Owlgebra.

What did the ocean say to the bergy bits?
Nothing. It just waved.
(That's an old joke from the Ice Age.)

What sits on the bottom of the cold Arctic Ocean and shakes?
A nervous wreck.

Tip 1:
No matter how cold you are, DO NOT attempt to build a fire in a kayak! You can't have your kayak and heat it too.

Tip 2:
Never catch snowflakes on your tongue until all the birds have flown south for the winter.

What food do you get when you cross a snowman with a wolf?
A brrrr-grrr.

What did the icy road say to the car?
“Want to go for a spin?”

Did you hear about the man buried alive under a sudden snowstorm?
He was feeling under the weather.

Why is Frosty never late?
Time waits for snow man.

What’s the scariest part of owing Santa money?
He snows where you live.

Where’s the warmest place in the South Pole?
On a map.

How did the snow globe feel after listening to a scary story?
A bit shaken up!

What do you call a snowman that plays piano?
Meltin’ John.

What do you call a snowman without a carrot?
Nobody nose.

I warned him about starting his own ski resort.
It’s a slippery slope

Who delivers the Christmas presents to baby sharks?
Santa Jaws

It was so cold outside that I saw a Greyhound bus, and the dog was riding on the inside.

Why is it hard to ski after a fresh snow?
With great powder comes great responsibility.

Did you hear about the politicians whose best speeches were outdoors in the winter?
He could really turn a freeze.

Counting sheep

The sheep dog says to the farmer, “Here are your 20 sheep.”

The farmer says, “but I only have 17 sheep.”

“I know,” says the sheep dog, “I rounded them up.”

107 Funny Christmas Jokes and Puns 2023

Christmas jokes and puns from 2023, although some older jokes might slip through

If these 107 Christmas jokes is not enough for you, please find lot more of Christmas jokes in our Christmas jokes collection

1. What does the Gingerbread Man use to make his bed? Cookie sheets!
2. What's Santa Claus's favourite track & field event? North Pole-vaulting!
3. That sly smile on your face has me thinking you’re up to snow good.
4. I didn't think this party would be such a drag; I'm snow bored.
5. What was Santa's best subject in school? Chemistree.
6. What did the peanut butter say to the grape on Christmas? This is the season to be jelly.
7. What's Santa Claus's favourite type of potato chip? Crisp Pringles!
8. All I want for Christmas is ewe.
9. I'm pine-ing for you.
10. Have snow fear—Christmas is here!
11. Your presents are requested.
12. Why did Santa put a clock in his sleigh? He wanted to see time fly!
13. What do you call a reindeer ghost? A cari-boo!
14. I bought my son a refrigerator for Xmas – I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
15. The moment you stop believing in Santa is when you start getting clothes for Christmas.
16. This fire is so cozy, the snuggle is real.
17. I'll be ho-ho-home for Xmas.
18. A round of Santa-plause, please.
19. Happy howlidays! Hope Santa Paws brings you lots of treats.
20. Sending you pugs and kisses this Christmas.
21. Who delivers Christmas presents to pets? Santa Paws.
22. Yappy Holidays and a Happy New Year.
23. Where does Santa stay when he goes on vacation? At a ho-ho-ho-tel.
24. These decorations are tree-mendous.
25. I only have ice for you.
26. It is ice to meet you.
27. Have your elf a merry little Christmas.
28. How do dogs sing jingle bells? Dachshund through the snow…
29. Merry Xmas. Hope it’s not too ruff!
30. How do Chihuahuas say merry Christmas? iFleas Navidog.
31. What did the dog say to the Xmas tree? Bark.
32. Santa’s little yelper wants to wish you a Merry Christmas.
33. Why was the dog upset about the Xmas tree? He was not even allowed to bring sticks into the house.
34. Someone’s barking up the wrong Christmas tree.
35. Paws a moment this Christmas to reflect on what the season is all about!
36. What do you call a wet dog with a bell on his collar? Jingle smells!
37. It is never chew late to wish you a Happy Holidays.
38. If you’re lucky this Xmas, Santa Claus will grace you with his presents.
39. That look soots you.
40. What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Snowflakes.
41. Children who don’t learn to tie their shoes properly are bound to wind up on the knotty list.
42. It is the most wonderful time for a beer.
43. The festive season has me feeling extra Santa-mental.
44. How do dogs decorate for Xmas? They deck the paws with bows of collie.
45. What do you do when it’s raining cats and dogs? Nothing; as long as it does not reindeer.
46. You sleigh me.
47. I’ll never fir-get.
48. In 2020, the best gift will be hand Santa-tizer.
49. You’re the best person I snow.
50. It’s the most wine-derful time of the year.
51. I love when candy canes are in mint condition.
52. Rebel without a Claus.
53. You’re my soul Santa.
54. What do snowmen eat for lunch? Ice burgers!
55. What kind of music do elves listen to? Wrap.
56. What do you call an old snowman? Water.
57. Where do snowmen keep money? In a snow bank.
58. What do you call Frosty the Snowman in May? A puddle!
59. Which of Santa's reindeer has bad manners? Rude-alph!
60. Why didn't the skeleton go to the Yule party? He had no-body to go with.
61. What do you get if you combine Santa and a duck? A Xmas Quacker!
62. What type of cars do elves drive? Toy-otas.
63. When I think about you, I touch my elf.
64. He is a fungi to be with.
65. Eat, drink, and be tacky.
66. I got my wife a wooden leg for Christmas. It’s a real stocking filler!
67. You’ve got balls coming in here dressed like that.
68. What is the worst Christmas present? A broken drum, you can't beat it.
69. Did you hear about the mall Santa who lost his job? He was fired for Clause.
70. What do you call people who are afraid of Santa clause? Claustrophobic.
71. How does Santa keep track of all the fireplaces he has visited? He keeps a log book.
72. Why is Santa banned from sooty chimneys? Carbon footprints.
73. What do you call a cow that lives in an igloo? An eskimoo.
74. Santa's beard is so long because he's bad at shaving. Why do you think they call him Saint Nick?
75. What kind of linens do gingerbread men put on their beds? Cookie sheets.
76. Single bells, single bells, single all the way.
77. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.
78. Why are Christmas trees so bad at sewing? They keep dropping their needles.
79. Who hides in the bakery at Xmas? A mince spy.
80. How do the elves clean Santa's sleigh on the day after Christmas? They use Santa-tizer!
81. What do snowmen have for breakfast? Snowflakes.
82. Eat, drink, and be meowy.
83. Have a meowy Christmas.
84. Merry catmas! Hope you have a Purr-fect Holiday season!
85. May your days be meowy and bright.
86. All I want for Xmas is mew.
87. Here comes Santa Claws, here comes Santa Claws…
88. Catty Canes.
89. The tree and I are getting lit this Christmas.
90. Are you oakay? Yes, I'm pine!
91. I love hanging with you this season.
92. Never fir-get how beautiful Christmas trees are.
93. Have a tree-mendous Christmas.
94. Hey DJ, drop the needles. Can I get a watt watt?
95. I think my tree and I have a really good chemis-tree.
96. Don’t forget that everyone is rooting for you.
97. This year my tree is #ballin.
98. Ornamentary, my dear Watt-son.
99. Hey tree, do not leaf me hanging.
100. Looking at you is like reading poetree.
101. Birch, please.
102. I love the festive season more than you think.
103. Yes, I do consider myself a Christmas tree hugger.
104. I’m having fun fir sure.
105. I love you a whole watt.
106. What a de-light you are to be around.
107. Advice from a tree: stand tall and proud, go out on a limb, remember your roots, and drink plenty of water.

62 corny jokes to get you through Monday

• Do you have a Band-Aid? I have hurt myself while falling for you.
• You better direct that beauty elsewhere because you drive me up the wall.
• Girl, you're so stunning. I just forgot my pickup line.
• Your dad must be Liam Neeson because I'm Taken with you.
• If grapes make your skin beautiful, your home must be in a vineyard.
• How well did the phone propose to its girlfriend? He gave her a ring.
• You're like dandruff because I can't get you off my mind no matter how hard I try.
• Girl, do you know you're like asthma because you take my breath away?
• I am Microsoft. Can I crash at your place today?
• What do runners eat before a race? Nothing, they fast.
• I know what you did last summer. Do you want to do the same during the winter?
• Hey honey, do you want to hear a joke about construction? Never mind, I'm still working on it.
• What did that little boat tell the yacht? Hey, can I interest you in a row-mance?
• What did the guy with the broken leg say to the nurse? I have a clutch on you.
• What do you call two birds that are in love? Tweet hearts.
• What do you call a person with a rubber toe? Roberto.
• Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.
• Why should you not fall in love with a pastry chef? He will desert you.
• What name is given to a factory that only markets passable products? A satisfactory.
• What does a ghost call his friend? My ghoul friend.
• Knock knock? Who is there? Paul. Paul, who? I'm Paul, in love with you.
• Are you casting for Wonder Woman? Because I have the perfect role.
• Are you feeling guilty about global warming? Because your hotness is melting the world.
• Will you kiss me, or should I lie to my diary?
• Hey girl, is that an earthquake, or have you just shaken my world?
• It seems I am addicted to yes and am allergic to no. So what's it going to be?
• Do you believe in love on first sight, or should I pass by you again?
• I may not be a professional, but we would look cute together in a photo.
• Girl, I need CPR after seeing your face.
• My job is secure. No one else needs it.
• It would be best to never break up with a goalie because he's the keeper.
• Do you have a date for Valentine's Day? Yes, it is on the 14th.
• What happened when two lovely vampires went on their first date? It was love at first bite.
• Why should you not marry a tennis player? Because love means nothing to them.
• What is the difference between marriage and love? Love is blind, while marriage is an eye-opener.
• My girlfriend works at the zoo. She is a keeper.
• I said I love you so much. I can't live without you. My girlfriend asked me, "Is it you talking or the beer?" I innocently answered her, "I was talking to the beer."
• Love is like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and you wondered about Y?
• Do you know love is telling someone to go to hell and worrying about them reaching their safe?
• Please don't laugh at your girlfriend's choices because you're one of them.
• I love to tell my girlfriend, the house boss, by holding the mirror before her face.
• I said to my girlfriend she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
• What did the cat say to her girlfriend? You're perfect for me.
• What do you call two cupids who are in love? A match made in heaven.
• What did one watermelon tell the other watermelon? You're the only one in melons.
• Why did the man accuse his wife of robbery? She stole his heart.
• Who has a date on Valentine's Day? The calendar.
• When you fall in love with a chef, you get buttered up.
• The hopeless romantic baker told his dough, I knead you.
• The tightrope walker found love through online dating.
• Is it hot in here, or are you busy raising the temperature?
• Girl, give me back my heart because it seems you stole it when I first set my eyes on you.
• Why did the skeleton go to the party alone? He had nobody to go with.
• What did the shark tell the other while eating clownfish? Wow, this tastes funny.
• Girl, what do you call a magician dog? Labracadabrador.
• What do you call a pony with a cough? A little hoarse.
• I saw two zombies on a date, and they said romance is dead.
• The lion broke up with his girlfriend since she was a cheetah.
• Your name must be WiFi because I am feeling a strong connection.
• Babe, you turn my floppy disk into a hard drive.
• What do you say to your single friends on Valentine's Day? Happy independence day.
• I told my boyfriend to text me when he reached home. He must be homeless.